Page 96 of Gideon
The feel of the damp breeze on my face was invigorating as we sailed, meandering our way around the lake with no real sense of purpose. I supposed the purpose was to give us both the time and the freedom to just sit with our thoughts for a while. Being in the house made it difficult, for me at least.
Naomi sat on the deck in front of me by some distance, letting me man the helm alone. As much as I wanted her there, right in front of me as I showed her how to maneuver the boat around the lake’s water, I was grateful for the space. I didn’t have the slightest idea what to do about her. There was so much to say, and yet no words to properly express what I wanted to say. Or did I want to say anything at all? It was confusing as fuck. I wished I had Levi’s clarity of mind, always knowing exactly what to say. Or Ollie’s ability to just blurt out whatever he was thinking at any given point in time.
No, right about now, I was much more like Malachi or Zeke, keeping my thoughts and feelings close to my chest like a secret I wasn’t willing or ready to share. But was that my honest truth? I didn’t know anymore, which made this situation all the more difficult to decipher.
Naomi seemed to be just as deeply lost in her own thoughts. I found my chest tightening as I considered what those thoughts might be. Was she thinking about her life outside of Zion, as I was? Was I part of her plan? Or would I be discarded like the rest of this place? A faint and painful memory best left in the past with the rest of her trauma.
It was unsettling. I didn’t like it one bit.
She turned, shielding her face from the bright mid-afternoon sun and waved at me, giving me a smile which made my heart beat wildly. Christ, I was as pathetic as Ollie. Half-lovesick and hanging on her every word, every little sign of affection she offered me.
I circled the boat around one last lap before pulling her back into the dock. I should have felt refreshed, but instead I felt a heavy weight on my chest. Anxiety bloomed in my gut and took hold of me like a cancer, refusing to let go. My heart thudded rapidly in my chest. I swear, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. All over one woman and the thought of losing her.
I was pathetic.
And yet, somehow, I knew I wasn’t. I had wanted nothing more than a solitary life on my boat out on the ocean for as long as I could remember. That was it. Plain and simple. Then Naomi walks into my life — no, burst through the door of my life like a fucking forest fire, burning down every wall I had ever erected and situating herself into my heart without my consent.
I stepped off onto the dock carefully, pulling the boat in and tying her down securely. I offered Naomi a hand, but as soon as she was steady on her feet, on dry land, I made for the house. I turned my back to her, stalking off like a broody teenager, or like Malachi, without a second glance.
“Gideon?” she called from behind me, some distance away. I could hear her footsteps jogging to catch up with me. I sped up, entering the house and did not even bother to take off my shoes.
The door opened harshly behind me as she followed me in, her breaths coming out in pants of exertion.
“Gideon, what’s the matter?” she asked, concern vibrant in her voice.
I ignored her, pacing around the small living space like an idiot while I tried like hell to get a grip on my thoughts, on what I wanted to say.
“Gideon! Hey! What’s going on?” She tried again, walking up to me and placing a hand on my arm, but I shrugged off her advances.
“Jesus Christ, Gideon, would you fucking talk to me?!” she yelled loudly, the sound echoing in the small room.
“Don’t leave me.”
There it was.
The statement sprang out into the open air like a fucking bomb. I stood there, finally ceasing my pacing as I turned to look at her. I had just blurted it out like a fucking idiot.
Good going, Gideon.
She stood there in shocked silence, much like myself. I couldn’t believe I had just thrown the words out there without any real thought at all. I had just grabbed the first complete sentence from my jumbled brain and thrown caution to the wind.
An awkward silence filled the room as we both stood there looking at one another, her in shock, me in shame.
“What did you say?” she responded quietly, as though she was unable to process the words I had all but shouted at her.
“Please don’t leave me. Please,” I reiterated. I wanted to cringe at my needy tone, the way I was literally begging, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It was the truth.
“What do you mean?” she asked, looking at me with a brow furrowed in confusion.
“I can’t stop thinking about it,” I explained. “The thought of you leaving me when all this is over has settled in me like… I don’t know. It’s like I’ve been punched in the gut. I can’t get away from it. It’s all I can think about.”
“I don’t even know what to say,” she muttered, her eyes darting back and forth at nothing at all as she processed my words.
“This whole thing is such a shit show. And I know that when we leave, you’ll want to start a new life away from here. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. But fuck! As much as I want to give you the opportunity for the future you deserve, it’s killing me to know that you’ll likely leave Zion behind, and me along with it.” My words tumbled from my lips in a ranting rush of emotion.
She stayed silent as the nerves ate at me, making me feel all the more raw and vulnerable.
“Jesus, this is all so fucked up,” I muttered, resuming my earlier pacing.
