Page 91 of Carrick
I stared at him, breath shallow.
“You think I’m just sitting here playing cards and watching reruns.” he said, voice rising. “But I haven’t slept more than three hours a night in two weeks. I can’tstopcrunching it, Bellamy, because if I stop, I’ll miss something. And if I miss something—” His voice took on a hard edge. “If I miss it, and your brother dies, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Jax,” Carrick said, low and warning, but Jax didn’t stop.
“You want to blame someone? Fine. Blame me. I’m the one with the brain. The one who’s supposed tosee everything. I’m the one who’s built for patterns and probability and predictive analytics. And it’s not enough.I’m not enough.”
He dropped onto the arm of the couch and covered his face with both hands.
No one spoke. And then—quietly, fiercely—Jax said, “I keep seeing numbers. And none of them end well.”
My chest cracked. Because he wasn’t just smart. He wasbreakingunder the weight of what he couldn’t fix.
I took a step forward. “Jax, I didn’t know?—”
“Of course you didn’t,” Niko said sharply. “You didn’t ask.”
I froze.
Niko leaned forward, elbows on his knees, eyes locked on me. “You came in here swinging because you’re angry and scared and tired. Fine. So are we. But you’ve made it really fucking clear that this whole house is divided betweenyouandus. Like we’re your jailers. Like we’re keeping you from the truth instead of keeping youalive.”
I bristled. “That’s not what I?—”
“Itis,” he snapped. “You don’t talk to us. You demand. You throw your grief at our feet and expect us to know what to do with it. And when we don’t respond the way you want? You attack.”
“I’m not trying to attack?—”
“You accused us of giving up on your brother.”
“Iseeyou!” I shouted. “I see how relaxed you all act. How normal it is around here. Like there’s no clock ticking.”
“You don’t want normal?” Sully’s voice was rough now. “You want us to scream and break down and punch holes in walls to make it real for you? Would that help you breathe easier? Because I’ve beenthere, sweetheart. I’ve been on the floor sobbing over people I couldn’t save. And I wouldn’t wish that onanyone.”
His eyes were glassy now. His jaw clenched hard enough to twitch.
“Ihatethis,” I whispered. “I hate feeling helpless.”
“We all do,” Deacon said, stepping in finally. “Weallfeel it, Bellamy. The rage. The uselessness. But you don’t get to corner the market on pain.”
He held my gaze, steady and calm, even as his voice trembled with something deeper.
“I lost a little sister once,” he said quietly.
My breath caught.
“Foster kid, like me. In and out of homes. Tough as hell, but so damn small.” His mouth twisted. “She got taken by someonewe were supposed to trust. I spent years thinking I’d find her. That I’d track him down, that she’d just be hidden. And then they found her body, two states over.”
“Jesus, Deacon—” Sully murmured.
“It hollowed me out,” he said, eyes still on mine. “But if someone had told me to stop hoping before we had proof—if someone had spoken her death into being while she was stillmissing—I would’ve lost my fucking mind.”
I felt like I’d been slapped.
Tears burned behind my eyes.
Deacon stepped back, hands open. “I’m not telling you not to feel this. I’m telling you wedounderstand. You’re just too hurt to see it.”
No one said anything for a moment.
