Page 70 of Holly versus Mr. Ivy
“Where’s Trevor?” I asked instead of answering.
“Telling your mom goodnight. He said he was heading out soon. Though why he’s leaving before we’ve had pie is beyond me.”
“Mom and I already had some for breakfast. I’m sure Trevor will take some home with him.” I crossed one ankle over the other. “Thanks for coming today and for all your help.”
“Thank you for inviting me.” His elbow nudged my arm. “Will you answer my question?”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “When I was little, my dad would always have us crawl under the tree when we finished decorating it. He loved the view from the bottom. ‘A new perspective,’ he’d always say.
“He said sometimes we get so used to the ordinary that it became another background piece we walked past and forgot to appreciate. By looking at it from another angle, we renewed our appreciation for the beauty of the tree. I think he meant it more as a life lesson. To make sure we weren’t being complacent or only focusing on the same old things, day in and out.”
Rhett’s words came out soft. Gentle. “Your dad sounds like an amazing man.”
I blinked rapidly, clearing the tears trying to gather in my eyes. “He was. I miss him.”
“Tell me more about him.”
An image of Dad on our family trip to Florida, in his awful fuchsia and teal flower shirt, tan cargo shorts, and sandals flashed in my mind. I had been so embarrassed to walk by him. His outfit screamed tourist and uncool dad, neither a look I’d wanted to be associated with. In hindsight, I wished I’d cared less about appearances and enjoyed his company more.
“He told the worst jokes.” I chuckled. “Most of the time, they didn’t even make sense, but we’d all end up laughing because Dad’s laugh was like a yawn—once he started, it was contagious. He’d always come into my room at night and read me a book and ask how I planned to tackle the next day. Once Mom was diagnosed and we had to track her schedule, I relied on the techniques my dad taught me to keep everything straight.”
Rhett’s knee bumped my leg. “You’re doing a good job with your mom. She seems as happy as she can be given her circumstances.”
My lack of sleep and busy day caught up to me. No other reason explained why I spilled my guts to Rhett. Things I usually kept to myself, even with Noah, who knew almost everything about me.
“I feel like a failure,” I whispered. “Like I’m not doing enough to help her. In my head, it’s my fault she got sick to begin with and my fault she’s not healing faster. If only I’d been better at organizing our lives earlier, or a better daughter, she’d never have been diagnosed with cancer in the first place. It’s the same at work. If I don’t keep everyone on track at all times, then the kitchen will fall apart. I’m rigid because when I’ve been more relaxed, my life shattered around me. I’m stuck picking up the pieces and I’m not doing a great job at it. I’m tired, mentally and emotionally. Well, physically too. I’m trying to control everything, and it’s like sand trickling through my hands. No matter how hard I try to hold on, it inevitably drains out.”
Rhett turned his head, his gaze on the side of my face. “There is nothing you have done or could have done differently to prevent your mom from getting sick. From what I’ve seen, you’re a fantastic caregiver. As for work, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here. Aaron, Nico, and Kevin are there. We want to help you. It’s okay to let go of the fist you’re holding and take our hands instead.”
“I feel like I have been doing that already.”
“You’ve made a lot of progress. I’m proud of you for all you’ve accomplished. But I can tell that you fear truly allowing others in.”
“I can’t just make everyone else do my job for me.” If I did, then what was there left for me to do?
“That’s not what I’m suggesting.”
I turned, meeting his gaze. “Then what are you saying?”
“You keep this shield up at work. It’s as if you feel by sharing any part of your personal life, people will see you as something other than the boss. When you just told me about your dad, your whole face lit up. Stop hiding that part of yourself, and let everyone else see the amazing woman I see.”
I didn’t know how to let others in. I’d kept my professional and personal lives separate because it was easier for me to deal with each issue on its own. By turning off the stress, worry, and fears over Mom while at work, it was easier to function. If the faucet was on full blast at all times, what happened if I completely shut down in the middle of my shift?
What Rhett was asking was too much.
I rolled my head away from Rhett. “My boundaries keep me safe.”
“Or do they keep you locked up like a prisoner?”
He didn’t understand how easy it would be to fall apart without my protections in place. Besides, I’d been doing better. I may not share about myself at work, but I did laugh with my staff. I let them talk about whatever they wanted instead of demanding silence like I used to. Wasn’t that enough?
And why was I the only one being asked difficult questions? “You seem to have all the answers about my life, but what about yours? Tell me why you hide behind your flirtatious behavior and happy-go-lucky personality.”And what happened that night I took you home?
Chapter 26
Rhett
Panicseizedmylungs,suffocating me. How had we gotten on the subject of me? Holly was the topic of conversation tonight.
