Page 1 of Nodus Tollens
PROLOGUE
MAL
17 years old
Iwasn’t ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow meant I had to go back home after a weekend of feeling like I belonged in a family. It was cruel to go from having hot meals prepared for you to scrounging around cabinets and the fridge to find the least expired food. Reality really kicked in when you’re forced to eat moldy bread and stale crackers for a meal. My whole life has been that way, though, so it really wasn’t that much of a shock when I had to go back home. Sure, it sucked, but I had to at least be grateful for those few days I could stay with my best friend Hayes and feel like I had a family that cared.
“Hey? You awake, Mal?” Hayes’ hushed voice danced through his dark, quiet bedroom as my eyes continued to peer up into oblivion. Aside from the small burst of light emitting from Hayes’s night light, pitch black surrounded us. Yeah, I gave him shit over it but, in reality, I don’t think I’d be able to sleep without it, either.
“Yeah.” I answered as I shuffled my hands around until they were cradling the back of my head. “Why?”
Silence passed between us for a few seconds until a deep sigh filled the air. “I don’t know. I just always seem to think more at night. It’s like my mind won’t stop racing no matter how hard I try to block it all out.”
This is exactly why I saw Hayes as more of a brother than I did as a friend. Though on the outside, we were different, on the inside, we were wired the same. What I found funny, he did too. What he got pissed at, I shared the same anger. We were like two brothers separated at birth, but where he went home with the right family, I was taken by the Villareal’s. A man and woman who had no business raising a child whatsoever but, so far, had managed to keep me alive. My mother worked the night shift at the local gas station while my on-again-off-again dad appeared every so often to mooch off mom for money. To this day, I still don’t even know if he had an actual job. He probably made enough bumming off my mom to support himself and all the habits he must maintain.
From the outside, it didn’t look all that bad. A single mom working long, late hours, doing her best to take care of her only child. Hayes’ parents even commended my mother for bringing up such a polite young man like myself, but little did they know it was them who shaped me into someone who was worth loving. According to my mom, I was a pest who ruined everything. I was an ungrateful little boy who became a burden to her life the day I was born. In her words, if she had it her way, she would have gotten rid of me the second she found out she was pregnant. If not for my dad, I wouldn’t be here. Not that he wanted to be much of a father figure anyway. He only saw me as a meal ticket. When that didn’t pan out the way he imagined, he dropped me before I could even try to change his mind. Technically, he dropped both mom and I, but where I accepted the fact that he was always going to be a half ass parent, my mom held onto the hope that one day he’d come back to stay.Though she was optimistic of his return, she still became a scorned and very angry single mother who was left raising a young boy all by herself. All that anger and frustration was taken out on me. It was a daily occurrence to be left unfed and unbathed, but as I got older, I learned that, in order to survive, I had to look out for myself.
Closing my eyes briefly, I tried to block out the beginnings of my shitty life and focus on the present. Staying at Hayes’ house, I always pretended, just for those two days, that I wasn’t some unwanted and rejected kid. Here, I was loved. I was respected and acknowledged by people who would do anything for me. I know I would do anything for them if the chance presented itself. Especially for Hayes, my best friend.
Hell, my only friend, who knew me better than myself. Through thick and thin, through petty arguments and girls who tried to break us apart, we managed to ride the tides of it all and come out closer than before. He was the calm and collected one who could charm just about anyone, while I was the quiet, reserved one. I was weary of everyone’s intentions, whether if it was someone wanting to talk with me or even something as simple as a smile. It was hard to trust anyone when, all your life, you could only depend on yourself. That’s why I had caution tape securely wrapped around my heart as if it belonged there. Maybe even an extra added layer of barbed wire, too, just in case. Hayes, A.K.A Mr. Social, would always try to push me into being more open with others like him, but I wasn’t built like that. I wasn’t made to impress people or dazzle them with bright smiles or jokes like Hayes. I was the example of real life. No false pretenses, no over-the-top nonsense. I was just me. Normal, quiet, and a little fucked up.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked quietly, not wanting to disturb his parents, who were in the room beside ours.
It was a broad question, but I had a hunch I knew what was on his mind. Hayes was currently obsessed with two things, girls and hockey. I honestly didn’t know which one he fantasized about the most, but if I had to guess, I’d say hockey. We both shared a love for the sport, perhaps him more than me, but playing side by side together gave me an extra few hours off the time that I had to spend at home. At first, it was just something to do that Hayes wrangled me into doing. Then, gradually, it became more than just a hobby to me to keep me preoccupied. The ice became like a second home to me, and the more I played, the more I felt at peace with myself. It was calming in a way I never thought I’d get to experience. The smooth glide of my blades against the ice gave me a sense of tranquility in the rather messy, bumpy life I was brought into. Nothing about me was shiny and polished like some of the other players. I wasn’t a graceful skater. I was rugged on my feet and clashed with most players from opposing teams. I wanted the bruises, the cuts, I wanted pain and to dish it out. I was out there to agitate and fuck up everything out on the ice. I didn’t get the love and attention like my other teammates, but I did get their respect. I had fans and supporters, but it wasn’t for the skills I brought out on the ice. I wasn’t scoring goals or given a ton of play time, but when I was out there, I made sure to make it the most thrilling parts of the game.
“I heard Utah has a kick ass hockey program. One of the best they offer in the NCAA.” He explained with some enthusiasm behind his words. Hayes was a center. Basically, he was everything I wasn’t when it came to positions. He was built smaller, leaner, and lightning on his feet. I was his on-ice bodyguard. I defended him just as much on the ice as I did off. He lived and breathed hockey. From the moment he woke to the second he went to bed, it was on his mind. Whether it was how he could better his skills, be a better teammate/player, his future in hockey, anything and everything that dealt with the sport was on his mind. Now that we were older and nearing the end of senior year, choices needed to be made. Life-altering decisions that would ultimately be a deciding factor of who we would become in this life. For Hayes, it was a no brainer. With multiple offers from multiple colleges, he’d inevitably choose the one with the best hockey program. Then, from there, he’d succeed in whatever he put his mind to, and I wasn’t just saying that because he was my best friend. I saw the joy he brought to others, to his family, our teammates, and even me. He wasn’t driven by ego, popularity, or any of that other shit society nowadays operates on. He was one of the realest people I’ve ever met and never pretended to be someone he wasn’t. Authentic people were a dime a dozen, and Hayes was one of the lucky few. From the day he was born, he was destined for greatness. A greatness that wasn’t in the cards for me, and that was okay. I’d gladly watch from the sidelines as my best friend conquered life, and I’d be there to help him along the way.
“Yeah, the Wolverines dominated last year in the Frozen Four.” I commented, remembering watching the game as I bussed at some sports bar for a few days before quitting. I followed NCAA Hockey closely, and knew Utah had one hell of a team. Hayes knew it, too, but with all the other offers he had on the table, he struggled with narrowing it down to one.
“Fucking right, they did. Game two, Henderson played like a god damn beast. I wasn’t surprised when he scored a hat trick in the finals.” He spoke passionately. I could hear the admiration in his tone. Whenever talking about respected players, whether it be NCAA or NHL, we always had high regard for them. Hockey was a way of life, and we both wanted to one day share the ice with the players we admired. “Hell, even Missouri played decent without Jenkins.”
Scoffing, I twisted my head to the side, peering up at the side of Hayes’ bed, where his foot was dangling off the side. “Maybe you should take up Missouri on their offer then. Jenkins is done this year. They’re gonna be lookin’ for a new center forward.”
A Cheshire grin was working its way up my mouth, but before I could tease Hayes further, I felt a pillow strike my forehead. “Maybe I should give them your stats, enforcer. Eighty penalty minutes, two suspensions…” He chuckled. “You’d fit right in with them.”
Missouri had always been a soft team, and by soft, I meant they were known for their complaints. Well, from what I heard and watched on television anyway, players continually bitched and moaned about either being hit too hard from behind, or the standard fucking penalties that every player experienced at one point.
Hockey wasn’t meant to be a sport of beauty. You went out every game knowing you’d leave with at least a bruise or a scrape. Injuries were common, fights were a given, but unlike any other sport out there, it was fast paced and had an element of danger to it that guys like me thrived in.
“Yeah, I’m sure they’d welcome me with open arms.” I rolled my eyes, but honestly, at this point, with zero offers from any colleges, Missouri ain’t lookin’ half bad. If they decided they wanted to give me a chance, which was highly unlikely, but if for some crazy reason they wanted me, I think I’d accept. Though Hayes and I’s dream was to go to the same school, there was no way that the elite schools that wanted him would ever want me.
Was I envious of Hayes? Hell, yes, but it was a feeling that I couldn’t stop from growing. It lingered within me always, but I never expressed it to Hayes. How could I without sounding like an ass? I was proud, so fucking proud of the opportunities that were falling into the palm of his hands. No one was more deserving than him, but for a guy like me, who had absolutely nothing, I wished that for one fucking moment someone would acknowledge the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve put into surviving. That I’ve put into hockey, but dreaming was for kids, and I’ve long surpassed that.
“You know I’m not going anywhere without you, right?” Hayes announced as if he’s told me this a hundred times. Chuckling, I reach for the pillow he threw earlier and chuck it at his head.
“Well, then you aren’t going anywhere.” I force myself to laugh even though it burned as it came out. There’s no way in hell I’d let him give up an opportunity at a top tier school just because I wouldn’t be able to attend with him. That’s just fucking stupid. Sure, we made a pact a while ago to play on the same college team, but hell, we were kids when we said that. If I couldn’t get a full ride, I wasn’t going. Simple as that, but Hayes still had it in the back of his head that there was still a possibility I would get a scholarship. I didn’t want to burst his bubble, but the chances of that happening were severely fucking low. Only months shy of senior year coming to an end, we were finally at that tipping point where critical decisions needed to be made. I sure as hell wasn’t planning on sticking around here. Glacier Falls was like a black hole where people became too comfortable living in a town where it rained seventy percent of the year. No one ever left, but I told myself a long time ago, despite what cards life handed me in the future, no matter how shitty they were, I wasn’t staying. I’d find a way out.
“You need to have a little bit more faith in yourself, Mal. Any team out there would be lucky as hell to have you.” Hayes admitted on a soft tone that had me sighing.
“Don’t give me that bullshit. Faith has nothing to do with me getting into a school. I can’t constantly be assuming that eventually it’ll happen because if it doesn’t, what the hell am I going to do then? I can’t afford tuition. I can’t even afford gas most of the time.” My voice grew louder, and I could hear some shuffling on the other side of the wall. Closing my eyes, I tightened my fists at my sides, and took a calming breath. “I need to think of other options, Hayes. Do I want to go to college and play side by side with you? Hell yeah, but I gotta think realistically here.”
“Our season isn’t over. There’s still time to impress recruiters. I can talk to some of the teams that want me… There’s still a fucking chance, Mal.” I could hear his blankets shift, then, as I swept my eyes over to his bed, I watched as the upper half of his body lifted. Clearly exasperated, he dragged a hand through his blondish waves and sagged forward a bit. “You think I’m going to leave you behind?”
He waited for me to answer, but I responded quietly to myself by shaking my head.
“Fuck no. This is our dream, not just mine. If you can’t go, neither am I.”
My mouth tilted slightly. “Alright, say I can’t get in anywhere. What do you plan on doing then?”
