Page 118 of Nodus Tollens
My eyes closed as a rush of annoyance spread throughout me. Couldn’t she see that her being out here was making things worse? I didn’t need her, or anyone else, for that matter, trying to talk me out of what I was feeling.
“But you are.” I said. “You always fucking are.”
The last part wasn’t supposed to come out. It was more of a thought that was meant for my inner dialogue only, but instead, I let it fly past my lips like a lot of the words that came out of my mouth tonight.
“What do you mean?” She asked as if she was offended and then focused her hurt-ridden stare on me. I found myself locked onto the way she visibly shrunk from the vulnerability of being out here with me. She walked into the lion’s den by coming out here. Ramped up with venom still laced on my tongue, she had to have known that she’d be an easy target. An unguarded, pixie-like prey that I could easily demolish with my words, but I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
My stomach sank further into my gut from just watching her squirm. I didn’t want her to fucking react that way toward me. The last thing I wanted was for her to be afraid, but how could I change that when I’ve only given her the worst versions of myself?
“You’re everywhere these days.” I confessed with a swallow.
Shit. Why did I say that?
But I couldn’t take it back now when I heard a soft gasp fill the air beside me. It was true, though. Even when she wasn’t around, she still lingered in my conversations with Hayes and thoughts I knew I shouldn’t be having. She was a nuisance. A distraction more than anything, and once I thought I had accepted the part she had in my life, I was blinded with envy. Knowing that she was staying in Hayes’ room, just down the hall from the guest room where I was staying. I could hear their burst of laughter bouncing off the walls earlier. Thoughts of what they were doing had plagued me. Was he holding her close? Kissing the spot where her neck and shoulder met? Whatever had transpired wasn’t even going to compare to the torturous thoughts that would strike me hard tonight. When she’d be sleeping in his room. Just thinking about it now made me sick, but it had to happen. I had to get over her.
Once and for fucking all.
“And that bugs you? Being around me?” She questioned. Her voice was meek and unsure.
Fuck, how did she expect me to respond to that? Yes, it bugs me to see you, and I wish you would have just stayed anonymous. But I couldn’t say that, and I couldn’t say no either. So I just didn’t respond.
The soft whisper of the wind was the only thing to be heard. She didn’t pry for an answer or even get up and walk away from my silence, but I knew she was fighting with her thoughts. She was nervous, unsure of what to say or how to react, but I should have known she’d open her mouth again.
“You know, I didn’t know about Hayes wanting to quit hockey either. I’m just as surprised as you are.”
The mention of Hayes and hockey had me tensing all over again. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to her about this.
“I’m sure.” I responded gruffly.
“I am. And I understand why you would be upset with me.”
Oh, here we go.
“I come out of nowhere, and suddenly Hayes doesn’t want to play anymore… I get…”
“I’m not.” I growled over her words and cut her off. “I’m not mad at you, I’m just… Fuck. I feel like I’ve been blindsided, and I don’t know how to handle it.” I admitted.
My eyes glanced over in her direction to gauge her reaction. Even cloaked in the darkness of the night sky, I could make out the disappearance of her bottom lip as she chewed on it insistently. Her stare was cast off into the distance as if thinking and contemplating the words in her head. The hand that was buried in her lap lifted. Going for the side of her head, she went to brush back her hair, but before she touched her hair, she froze. Her hand halted mid-air, then, slowly, her hand fell back into her lap, where she self-consciously moved more of her hair into her face.
What could a girl like her be self-conscious about? Even out here, with a sweatshirt and no makeup, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
“You know he talks about you, right? A lot, actually. About you guys growing up together and hockey stories. He says you’re one of the best he’s ever seen.”
Still, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from hers.
“Sure he doesn’t tell you how much of a dick I am?” I grumbled. That seemed more likely these days, anyway. Always in a goddamn shitty mood. How could you ever find the good in someone with an attitude? How could he speak so highly of me when I was constantly fuckin’ angry?
“No, that was pretty easy to pick up myself.”
Taken aback, I couldn’t figure out whether I wanted to scowl or smile. Scowl because she was agreeing that I was a dick and smile because I was amused she dared to call me a dick.
“I’m kidding.” She quickly added. “Sorry, bad joke.” She grimaced and continued the assault on her bottom lip. “But you do have a tendency to be…. Grouchy.”
Grouchy? Never been called that before, but I didn’t disagree.
“Grouchy.” I repeated.
