Page 79 of Nodus Tollens
“Hi.” Her voice manifested, sounding entirely too enticing in real life than what I had imagined in my dreams. Leaning back slightly in my stool, I fought the urge to go to her and rip Hayes’s hands from her body. I should be the one wrapped around her small little body, but instead, here I was, clutching my beer bottle in a death grip while resentment grew feverish within me. “It’s nice to meet you.”
I wanted to laugh at the cruelty of it all. I knew she remembered me. It was blatantly obvious when her ocean eyes tripled in size. So why the hell was she acting like she had no fucking clue who I was? Was it because she was worried about what Hayes would think? Whatever the reasoning sent a ripple of pain straight to my heart.
“Blue.” I grunted as everything finally came full circle. His Blue was my dream girl. My dream girl was also his dream girl, and just when I thought I had something of my own that no one else would ever have, life swooped in and completely fucked me over.
I wanted to be pissed at Hayes. I wanted to shout and fucking scream in his face that I had seen her first, that I had talked to her first, that I had wanted her first, but the only thing stopping me was the fact that it was him.
Hayes.
My best friend. If it would have been anyone else, fucking game on, but it wasn’t.
Jealousy was a vicious emotion, and I felt my whole body ignite with it. From the tightening of my fists to the curling feeling in my gut, I wanted to let it out. I wanted to do a lot of things, but I felt glued to the chair as I watched Hayes’s face drop into the soft curve of her neck. I tortured myself further by observing their reactions. Hayes’ eyes fluttered closed as he inhaled her scent like she was the most mouthwatering creation he laid his hands on. I was subjecting myself to this torment for one simple reason. Because even in my best friend’s arms, even as she snuggled deeper into his chest, even as she pretended that we didn’t know each other, I still couldn’t fucking look away from her. She was captivating then, but now…
Now, with a clear view of her, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have never let her get away. I should have never let her go, and I’d forever be haunted by it. And seeing her here with Hayes was the final fucking blow. If there was ever any love or tenderness in my heart, it was now gone. I had nothing more left to give because I knew she had taken it with her. She unknowingly became the sole gatekeeper to my splintered heart the moment I spotted her watching me at the hospital. And seeing her again only reassured it.
I then had to take my eyes away from them so I could breathe. I couldn’t think clearly when I watched the two of them together, and finally, when I did so, I was granted some relief. Not enough to calm me entirely, but I was able to regain the ability to rationalize my thoughts.
Hayes wasn’t at fault, but just like when we were kids, everything seemed to just fall into his hands. Luckier than most, and a hell of a lot luckier than me, he was given the one and only thing that I hoped would one day find its way back to me, but I never expected her to come back into my life in my best friend’s arms. Then, with all the strength I could muster up in my current state of shock, I opened my mouth.
“It’s nice to meet you, too.” The words burned my tongue as I nodded my head. A gnawing ache that only worsened when I saw the relief in her stare. A knife plunging into my heart would have hurt less. In desperate need of a distraction, I peered back at Hayes. “I need another drink, ya’ll want anything?”
“Want one?” Hayes lifted his head out of the crook of her neck, and I could make out the remnants of bliss lining his features. I couldn’t force myself to look at her. I knew she was still watching me, studying me with the same intense eyes I had found on me the day at the hospital. This time not so shy, but there was a shift in the way she looked at me. Like she no longer saw me in the same light as before, and right then, I knew that was my cue to leave.
“Nah, man, we’re good.”
Before he even finished his sentence, I was on my feet and brushing past them. I thought that, once I had escaped from the nightmare that stood in front of me, I would recover, but I was wrong. Being the size I am, I towered over everyone. So, as I zig-zagged through the crowd of people, those who noticed me couldn’t tear their eyes away. Some in horror, others in intrigue, but right now, I fucking yearned to be invisible. I yearned to walk straight to the exit and go home. But what the hell would I do when I got there? Destroy shit? Drown in my fucking thoughts? I needed a drink.
Once at the bar, I ordered the strongest shit they had. Anything that would help me forget for a while. Ironically enough, the drink that the bartender set in front of me was in a tiny little shot glass, but the second I tossed it back, my throat immediately regretted it. Whatever it was packed a fucking punch. Almost immediately, I could feel its effects on me. Eyes watering, throat blistering in heat, I coughed into my palm a few times before a fuzzy feeling washed over me. It wasn’t enough to soothe the pain in my chest, so with a wave to the bartender, I ordered another.
And another, until everything subsided, and all that was left was hollowness.
* * *
It could have been five minutes that had passed or an hour. All I knew was that my whole body felt numb. With my ass planted in a barstool and my eyes every now and then connecting with a blonde from across the way, I was feeling better than ever.
I felt fucking phenomenal, actually.
Nursing a beer in my hand, I tilted it in the direction of the leggy blonde and slowly brought the tip of the bottle to my mouth. Tipping it back, I let the cool liquid pour down my throat until my buzz spread even more throughout my body. Lowered inhibitions, less fucks given, I was riding the waves of self-inflicted suffering until I no longer felt anything. Losing myself in the blonde tonight would be a way to forget, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t take much to get her to leave with me. She had been eyeing fucking me since I sat down with a confident gleam in her stare and a pink-stained mouth that had been playing with her straw suggestively. A ten-minute blowie wouldn’t be enough to erase tonight. If anything, it would grant me a few minutes of relief, then I’d crave more.
I’d crave the real thing.
I’d fucking crave her.
Tearing my eyes away from the blonde, I stared in front of me where a wall of colorful liquor bottles was on display. All varied in shapes and sizes, but my stare ultimately landed on a blue bottle.
Fucking blue of all colors.
I cursed under my breath and chugged the remaining beer I had. Once I had downed it, I slammed it down onto the counter.
“Mal!” I heard Hayes’ voice echo from behind me, causing my body to go rigid. I should have known he would come looking for me. I guess I expected him to be so wrapped up in his “Blue” that he would have forgotten about me, but, like always, I was wrong. “What the hell, man? I thought you were going to come back after getting a drink?”
Without even turning around, I could feel her presence behind me. Like a prickling sensation dancing across my broad back, I knew her eyes were on me. Fiery and intense, they left their stamp directly on my skin. Luckily, I was an expert at wiping away the residue women left behind, but to no surprise at all, my heart refused to do so with her.
On a quiet grunt, I turned my stool around until I was again face to face with Hayes and Blue.
The girl I had yet to know her real name.
“Lost track of time.” I shrugged. This time, instead of his arms wrapped around her waist, he was holding onto her hand tightly. Though it still stung to see them touching, it was more manageable this time.
