Page 29 of Christmas at the Home Farm Vets
‘You’re welcome. A perfect outcome for a Sunday afternoon surgery. How do you feel?’
‘Yeah, elated, relieved. And tired. You know what it’s like. I hope I never lose the wonder and miracle of birth. The puppies are adorable and I’m very glad they and mum are okay.’
‘Totally. There’s nothing quite like that moment of fear and adrenaline when you begin a surgical procedure. After I qualified I think I lived on both of those things for about two years. I had all the theory but putting it into practice on my own was terrifying at first.’
‘Same.’ Erin had relished the challenges too, and it had allowed her to channel all that energy and training into her career. Having Oli here now, working together for the first time since they’d been nervous students finding their way in rotations, was thrilling. And concerning, lest she get too used to his presence in her home as well.
‘Are you tempted by one?’ He eased out a long leg to stretch it, his hand gentle as he stroked one of the puppies. It managed to latch onto Cleo and plopped onto its tummy to feed.
‘Maybe one day.’ When she was certain she could afford the extra cost, the long-term financial and time commitment required. She allowed herself a happy little dream of bringing her own dog to work, taking it for long walks in the sunshine. ‘Do you think you’ll ever have another?’
His smile was a wistful one and she glimpsed the sadness flare again in his eyes. ‘Hopefully. If I ever stop living like a student and settle down. What you’ve achieved is amazing, Erin. A career you love in the place you’ve always wanted to live, a home of your own.’ He fixed a long look on her. ‘What else is out there for you, apart from a puppy?’
‘To keep going and help my family, I suppose,’ she replied quietly, shifting positions to get comfortable; the floor was hard and cold. The only risks she took were work-related ones, when she had to balance every carefully thought-out decision against a potential life or death outcome. ‘Don’t we all want the same things in the end? Security and work, home, a place to call our own where we feel loved and valued?’ She realised he’d made exactly this point during their time at Catz, and she’d dismissed it then.
‘Yeah, but home doesn’t have to be the same roof over my head every night. I make my home wherever I am.’ Oli’s gaze was unflinching, and Erin felt as though they were suddenly having a very different conversation as his tone lowered. ‘Why did you let me come and stay, knowing it was me? Why not ask Gil to make other arrangements, given our history?’
‘Hello? Have you met my shower?’ She’d wondered this herself, lying awake before he’d arrived. Worrying about seeing him again and yet afraid of passing up the opportunity.
‘So it’s all about the bathroom? You weren’t curious about me at all?’
‘Maybe a bit.’ She paused, the words that had been stuck in her mind since lunch finally bursting free. ‘I’m so terribly sorry about your mum, Oli, I had no idea.’
‘Thanks. Eventually you find a way to get used to it. I’m not sure the grief ever goes away though, I think you just learn to live with it. There’s still stuff I want to tell her, things I’d like to share.’
‘I’m sorry I let you down and wasn’t there for you when she died.’ Erin had failed him, and the realisation caught her breath. ‘Especially after what you did for me.’
‘It’s not a debt you have to keep on repaying, Erin.’ Oli was staring at the tiny puppies, content and dozing after a first feed. ‘I did it because I cared about you, even though I wasn’t brave enough to let you know how much. I think I was hoping somehow you’d realise.’
‘I sort of did. I was just scared of allowing myself to believe it.’
‘I sent you a message, the night Mum passed away.’ He eased out a sigh. ‘Or rather, I wrote you one, because I couldn’t send it. I assumed you’d blocked me for good after graduation because of the way things ended that summer.’
She had, and had gone so far as to evade university reunions and even the wedding of his best friend Rory in the Highlands. Rory’s girlfriend had been part of Erin’s house share at Catz in those final two years. When the wedding invitation had dropped into her inbox, she’d pleaded pressure of work, unwilling to spend the day avoiding Oli and whoever he was with at the time.
Her hand reached across Cleo to find his, and he let her hold it. She stared at their hands resting lightly on his thigh; hers pale and small, freckled, her skin not as soft as she’d like with the constant washing and scrubbing. His felt similar, rougher still, and his fingers twined between hers, stroking them absently. All the years they’d known each other and yet they had barely touched. He was the man against whom she measured every other one and she couldn’t help it; he’d been her first kiss and the best, her first love. Even a friendly gesture like this, trying somehow to extend her sympathy for his loss, felt like so much more.
‘What did it say, your message?’
‘I wanted to tell you what Mum meant to me and how it felt in those first few hours to be without her. How shocking and sudden it was, and how lost I felt. I wanted to borrow a bit of your strength because my own felt so diminished. For you to tell me I’d find a way to be okay without her.’
‘Oh, Oli,’ Erin whispered, her fingers tightening around his. ‘I would’ve come if I’d known.’ The thought had never occurred to her and yet it was true. She would’ve dropped everything if she’d understood what he was going through, just as he had for her. She couldn’t imagine a life without her mum, and it was crushing to think that Oli had wanted her at his side when he’d lost his own.
‘It’s okay, I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I understand why you didn’t trust me, I knew we were fragile and needed nurturing. I should’ve fought harder for you, for us, and then you wouldn’t have had a reason not to trust me.’ Oli hesitated. ‘I know I let you down, Erin. I’m really sorry about what happened that summer. The house was already booked when you and I got together, and I had no idea that Bella was going to be there.’
Erin was still gazing at their hands fixed together, wanting to free herself and yet afraid to break the bond. If they separated now then she might never know what happened. The end of their first year at Catz at the ball was clear in her memory; the giddy excitement of all they’d achieved and the promise of more beckoning, a new love growing, thriving into the future.
Until it was obliterated by the photos she’d seen of him and Bella on holiday in France; Bella on his lap, her arms round his neck, splashing in the pool, heads together as they talked. Their intimacy and the harsh reality of life with someone like Oli had floored Erin then, and the shattering of her heart had felt almost physical. Blonde and beautiful Bella Browning, who understood his world perfectly because she’d grown up in it.
‘She’d just broken up with someone and she was fooling around, there was nothing in it.’
‘Nothing?’ The word was hollowed out with scorn. ‘And it never occurred to you how it would look to me, waiting for you to come home?’
‘Maybe this sounds naive, but no, because you were the one I was thinking about, Erin,’ he said simply. ‘You were the one I was missing, messaging every day. Bella came to my room one night and suggested we should get together, that we’d be the perfect couple.’ Oli paused. ‘I told her no. I also told her about you and that’s why I wasn’t going to be with her. I don’t know how you came to see those photos, but I can guess.’
Erin’s stomach dropped and her hand in his trembled as he offered the explanation she’d never given him the chance to share before. He’d messaged his apology right after she’d seen the photos and, numb with shock, she’d blocked him immediately. Somewhere deep in her heart she’d been half expecting some reason why they couldn’t ever work, and she’d spent most of the summer pulling long hours on Carys’s farm in Wales. When they’d returned to Catz for the second Michaelmas term, Erin had done everything she could to avoid him whenever possible.
He’d tried to talk to her and each time she’d refused to listen, aware the only way she could protect herself was to keep him at a distance. Eventually he’d backed off and their friendship had faltered. The following year he and Ingrid were together, and until now Erin had never doubted her decision.
