Page 79 of Apple of My Eye
Evan’s beat-up Camry stirs up clouds as he pulls out of the driveway. I stand on the front porch, waving goodbye until he disappears from view. My heart feels heavy as I sit down on a rocking chair on the front porch. I let out a huge sigh. This fall didn’t turn out anything like I thought it would.
I hear heavy steps plod up the front porch. ‘Ahem.’ I don’t need to turn around to know Nick just cleared his throat behind me. I stare straight ahead. Isaac and Julian probably just left as well. ‘What do you want?’ I ask.
‘To talk.’
‘I’m not in the mood.’
‘Look, I know they said something to you about the fantasy football bet. But it’s not like this wasn’t for school—itwas.Itis.For school, I mean.’
‘I don’t really care,’ I say sharply, still staring off into the rolling hills in the distance. There’s a storm cloud forming to the west.
‘Eloise.’ Nick’s tone takes on a pleading note. ‘Please, I’m sorry.’
‘You should really get home before it starts to rain.’
I feel Nick’s hand gently on my shoulder, his fingertips barely brushing the fabric of my shirt. My body betrays me, radiating heat towards Nick. But my mind still feels cold. ‘Eloise,’ he says again. His voice breaks a little bit on the last syllable and I feel my heart soften. ‘This was for school, I swear. I would never ruin something so important to you for a stupid bet.’
Something about the way he says it, with so much finality, makes my spine stiffen. I brush his hand off my shoulder. ‘You what?’ I say in a low voice.
‘I wouldn’t ruin something so important to you.’ Nick is earnest.
‘You’re acting like it’s already happened.’ The edge in my voice could break skin.
‘I-I—’ Nick stutters out.
I turn round to face him. His face is wan, his expression full of remorse, of emotion. His bottom lip is trembling ever so slightly, his eyes wide.
‘You can’t take away what I’ve worked my whole life to keep. I won’t let you.’
‘I don’t want to,’ he says. He reaches for me, and I stare at his hand. I’m torn between the desperate, almost primal need to grab it, and the betrayal I feel roiling through my body.
‘Then don’t.’ I cross my arms across my chest, keeping my hands away from his, worried they’ll grab onto him on their own accord. ‘You don’t even have to change plans for me. Do it for my parents. I’m doing it to ensure they have a future too.’ I open my mouth to remind him how much he likes my parents, how much they like him, but then I close it. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing how much they adore him.
I watch as his expression transforms from remorseful to exasperated. There’s a glint in his eye as he says, ‘They didn’t ask you to do that for them.’
I snort. ‘They didn’t have to. Nobody else will. Did you see Linden come up to check on them this summer?’
‘Eloise, you’re acting like they’re eighty years old! They can take care of themselves. What about your dream to do research? You don’t think they would think that’s more important?’
‘Than their wellbeing? They can take care of themselves now, but what about in five years’ time? In ten?’
Nick scoffs. ‘You act like they’re not taking care of themselves just fine.’
‘They’re not, Nick. You don’t know anything about the finances of the farm.’
‘And you don’t know anything about being a parent if you really think they’d want you to give up on your dream.’
‘You clearly don’t know my parents if you think that’s important to them. They love mebecauseI help them. That’s who I am to them. A devoted daughter. You would know what that felt like if you didn’t run off to the country for the summer and leave your mom behind.’
Nick’s mouth forms a tight line. It was a low blow to say that; I know Nick really misses his mom, but something about his comment that my parents don’t need me really hit home. Nick takes a deep breath and his face relaxes. ‘Your parents love you no matter what. I’ve seen them with you. They don’t love you because you take care of them.’
‘That isn’t true.’
‘Yes, it is.’ Nick takes a small step towards me. We’re inches apart now, squaring off on the porch as the rainclouds gather on the horizon. ‘You’re lovable, Eloise. I know it because—’
‘That’s not true,’ I interrupt him, feeling panic rise in my chest. ‘You don’t know what it’s like to be me, to hear your whole life that what you’re good at is showing up, is being there for other people. You know what they cared about for Linden? His grades, his sports performance, his internships. They only cared if I was polite, if I put on appropriate clothes for the school outing, if I respected the adults around me. It’s didn’t matter if I excelled in a lab, it didn’t matter if my future had promise, it mattered that I was a good girl,thenI would be loved.’ I pause to take a breath. Nick staring at me, stunned by my outburst. ‘You know what the worst part is? I grew up my whole life thinking everything was different for women now, that we could have the world too, that we could dream just as big. But look who’s stuck at home taking care of her family? Me. Look who takes on the burden of caring that our farm does something actually good for the planet? Me. While Linden is off doing whatever he wants.’ I’m breathing hard, my body temperature rising. I can feel anger radiating out of my pores.
‘Eloise.’ Nick steps even closer towards me, putting a hand on my arm. ‘I’m so sorry. Youarelovable. You’re just as lovable as your brother. You deserve to chase your dreams too. You can always come back here if they’re not what you thought, but you should at least try to do whatyouwant .?.?.’ He trails off.
