Page 89 of High Seduction
Talking with a near-stranger who was no longer a stranger. She wasn’t sure if this was wrong, but she needed help, and after all they’d shared over the previous days, Matt was a far better choice than most.
“Tim and I knew each other years ago. I left him, pushed him away, in fact. In December he came to Banff, found a job with Lifeline, and we’ve been together since then.”
“And there was something that happened before you left that set him off this morning?” Matt asked.
How to explain? How much to explain?
There was no place to start but at the beginning. “When we were younger, we were into experimenting with our sexual limits. Nothing too crazy, just stretching our boundaries and seeing what things we liked. Some ropes, a little bit of physical control. I liked it when Tim took charge, and he enjoyed it as well.”
Matt took a drink of his coffee, his expression remaining nonjudgmental. “I could see that working well for you.”
She sighed. “We got an invitation to join a private party. A bit more organized, a bit more extreme—people who knew what they were doing. We went in as part of our wholechecking it outattitude. Notseriousserious, just looking for more of what turned us on. Before we went, we agreed that all we would do was observe. We were young enough that we pretended to be more sophisticated and knowledgeable than we were.” A bitter laugh escaped. “I’m sure they saw us coming a mile away, but we were cocky enough to try anyway.”
“Oh hell, I can see trouble already.”
“Yeah.” Erin rubbed a finger along the top of her coffee cup, pushing away the images that still rushed back after all this time. “He’d had the idea of me going in wearing a collar—you know, Google can get you enough information to get into big trouble, real fast. I was his submissive, ready and willing to kneel at his feet, especially when surrounded by other couples who were full time into the lifestyle. It was hot at first—looking around, being a part of something that was edgy. Then Tim got asked by one of the guys if we wanted to be involved in a demonstration, and he agreed.”
“After you’d said you weren’t going to be involved in anything that night?”
She nodded.
“Shit.”
There was so much to the story—so many layers. “I don’t blame the Dom. He did everything he was supposed to. In fact, looking back I think he was trying to teach Tim something that we were obviously ignorant about. And even though I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to call him out.”
Erin lifted her gaze to Matt’s. “So here’s the thing. Tim went through all the right steps with the Dom’s guidance. They negotiated limits—I was still partially clothed. There was no sexual contact with anyone else. All of it they did properly, and in the end, I took part in a flogging demonstration.”
She lowered her voice, fighting to continue, because here was where her downfall had come. “And I enjoyed it—but that enjoyment ultimately made me feel even worse. We talked about the night afterward, Tim and I. He apologized for making a stupid move and allowing it to happen after we’d agreed not to get involved that first time. I gave him hell, then we kissed and made up, and he thought we were okay. Only I ended up packing my things about a week later, and I left.”
“Because you didn’t trust him anymore.”
“It wasn’t because of the flogging.” A long pause before she forced out the truth. “I told Tim this as well. I was just as capable of saying no as he was. I had a safe word, I knew I could say no at any time. Only the fact that I chose not to proved I was weaker than I’d thought. I was willing to give upeverything, and that scared me enough that I ran. I picked a fight with Tim when he tried to track me down, and I told him we were done. Gave some bullshit excuse about moving on with my life, and that while he’d been fun, he wasn’t a keeper. I never wanted to see him again.”
Matt cringed. “Ouch. That must have hurt.”
Erin sighed. “He retaliated by getting me fired, so yeah, we both played dirty.”
“Shit, really?”
“I was on contract with the company that provided helicopter service to Tim’s area. Tim found another company that was willing to offer a better deal, and we lost the contract, putting me not only out of his apartment, but out of a job. In some ways I was more pissed about that than anything else because it was a slap in the face to my career.”
“Remind me never to get you two mad at me.” Matt leaned back on the counter. Paused. “So, why did you bring this up now? Why the conversation regarding what made you leave?”
And now came the confusing part of her confession. “I don’t know.”
“Bullshit.”
Erin tightened in shock at his blunt response. “What?”
“I think you knew what you were doing.” Matt shook his head. “Trust me on this. I’ve been there, and I’ve done the same thing. You deliberately brought up something from your past because you felt the same thing happening all over again. Tim mentioned you gave him control this weekend. Suddenly you’re wondering if you’ve made the same mistake you did back years ago.”
“But I trust Tim. We’re not the same people we were. We’re older, and wiser, and I wouldn’t have given him control if I didn’t know he’d do what was right for me in the bedroom.”
Matt’s expression changed as he reached across and squeezed her hand gently. “And there’s the root of your problem.”
Erin tempered her frustration, waiting for the revelation he seemed to have arrived at.
He leaned back. “Seems to me for all your talk about trust, you’re forgetting it’s not something you turn off and on. Doesn’t matter if you’re playing freaky games in the bedroom and you know one hundred percent that he’s got your back there, if you don’t also believe that’s true right here in the living room. Or in the chopper, or on the street corner—and hell, giving it a location isn’t even going to work because you could end up having sex any of these places, and it would turn into Tim being in charge.
