Page 111 of At First Smile
His grip clings. “I was an angry little boy who’d lost his dad.”
“So was I.” I jerk my arm from his grip. “You’re my big brother. I looked to you for comfort and instead found blame.”
“I was angry?—”
“Fuck you,” I snarl, bile stinging in my throat, and turn.
“Rowan, wait.”
“I’m not listening to your excuses.”
“Fucking stop.” His arms come around me and yank me back into him.
“Let go.” I pull, but he tightens his bear-like hold.
“No.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I grit.
“Go ahead, drop me. I’ll just get back up. I’m not letting go until you listen…. Please.” His voice trembles.
“Speak.”
Without loosening his hold, he speaks, “I was angry at him. It took me a long time to realize that, to admit that. I’m still furious with him for going out there by himself.”
“Me too,” I croak.
“It was easier to take it out on you. You’ve always been more his son than me or Finn. Mam always says we both got our looks from Dad, but he gave you his heart.”
I swallow thickly.
“You’re just like him. All heart. Once you commit to something, you’re all the way in. You love deeply… Just like him. Never has that been clearer than today seeing you with Pen. The same unabashed smile that Dad always wore rested on your face. It’s the same smile he had with Mam—” His voice cracks “—and with you.”
“You’re his son, too.”
His arms relax but remain folded around me. “Not like you. Finn and Mam have always been close. Dad and you were close. I… I was jealous. That day… He’d ask me to help him get the pond ready, but I said no. Ever the prick, I didn’t realize it was his attempt to include me. Instead, I went to the store with you all. If I had?—”
“It’s not either of our faults,” I say quickly, raising my hands to his forearms and squeezing.
“His death isn’t, but what happened afterward is on me. If anyone is a disappointment, it’s me. I failed you. I failed him in the one thing he expected me to do: be your big brother.”
Regret overflows within me. Its sting chokes away my ability to speak.
“I can’t fix the wrong that I’ve done, but I want to try to do better… To be the brother you deserve. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking anyway.”
Those words are almost verbatim of my plea to Pen a month ago. That sweet honey gaze peering up at me as she mulled over my apology in the middle of Bread. Two very different situations, but somehow the same. It’s forgiveness. It’s love.
“Why now?” My voice is hoarse.
“Because it’s still today and I don’t want another tomorrow to come not knowing that we’re okay. I know I don’t show it in the right way or say it, but I love you. What you saw in my eyes after you punched Landon wasn’t about you…it was about my failure.”
My face wrinkles. “Your failure?”
“If Finn hauled off and smacked someone, I’d know why. With you, I didn’t know, and that’s on me. Fans in the stands that day thought it was in response to losing. Even if I knew deep down that wasn’t the reason, I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know how to ask because I let our relationship deteriorate to this point.”
“How did you know it wasn’t because we’d lost?”
“Because you’re like dad, you only attack to protect.”
