Page 120 of Save You
And it hurts more than I expected.Not even the booze can help with that.That’s exactly why I’ve avoided talking to them.Words just cause more pain.I turn my face away and stare at my shoes so that I won’t have to see their reactions.I have never felt as vulnerable as I do in this second.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps coming toward me.When I look up, Wren is standing right there.He puts an arm around me and gives me a squeeze.
Wearily, I let my head droop onto his shoulder.My arms are heavy as lead and I can’t hug him back.But Wren doesn’t let mego.A moment later, Kesh and Alistair join us, putting their hands on my shoulders.
There’s no need for words in this moment, especially as the lump in my throat won’t let me get any out.It takes a while until I’ve got myself back under control, to some extent at least.Eventually, Wren starts to steer me toward the sofa, and Alistair gets me a glass of water, which he holds out without speaking.
“That’s so shit,” Alistair mumbles, sitting down beside me.“And I’m so sorry, James.”
I can’t meet his eyes or say anything, so I just nod.
“What happened?”Kesh asks after a while.
I sip hesitantly from the glass.The cold water tastes amazingly good.“She…She had a stroke, while we were in Oxford.”
Silence.I don’t think any of the lads has even drawn breath.They might have known that Mum had died, but this is clearly new information to them.
“Dad didn’t tell us until we got home again.He didn’t want us to fuck up our interviews.”Remembering the conversation with my father makes my blood run cold.I study my bruised hand, clench my fist, and relax it again.
Wren puts a hand on my shoulder.“We guessed that something bad must have happened,” he murmurs after a while.“I’ve never seen you like that.But Lydia didn’t tell us anything, and you weren’t in any fit state…”
Keshav clears his throat.“This afternoon, Beaufort’s put out a press release.That’s how we heard.”
I gulp hard.“I just didn’t want to think about it.About…anything.”
“It’s OK, James,” Wren says quietly.
“And I was scared that if I said it out loud, it would make it come true.”
At last, I raise my eyes and look into my friends’ stunned faces.Keshav’s eyes look suspiciously damp, while all the color has drained from Alistair’s cheeks.It never even occurred to me that my mates have known my mum since we were kids and so they’d be upset about the news of her death too.Suddenly, I realize how selfish my reaction was.I didn’t just ignore reality and hurt Ruby, I pushed my friends and Lydia away too by how I acted.
“You’ll get through this.Both of you will get through this,” says Wren.I follow his gaze and see Cyril and Lydia standing in the doorway.Lydia’s cheeks and eyes are red.I must look pretty similar.
“Whatever it feels like at the moment, you’re not alone.You’ve got us.Both of you do.OK?”Wren insists, clapping me on the shoulder.The look in his brown eyes is steady and serious.
“OK,” I reply, even though I have no idea whether I can believe him on that.
4
Lydia
Percy walks into the front hall just as I’m putting on Mum’s pearl necklace.“Are you ready to leave, miss?”he asks, stopping a few feet away from me.“Mr.Beaufort and your brother are waiting in the car.”
I don’t answer, just do up the clasp of the necklace and check my hair one last time.Then I slowly lower my hands.
I study my reflection.Dad’s funeral planner didn’t just take care of all the organization, she saw to it that Dad, James, and I were dressed by a stylist this morning.My hair is in an updo and my face is done.“Waterproof mascara—that’ll help you get through the day, my lovely,” the young woman twittered.
I briefly considered wiping both hands over my eyes while the makeup was still wet, deliberately destroying her handiwork, but Dad’s fierce glare held me back.It’s only for his sake that I’m looking presentable now.I’ve got more makeup on than I’ve ever worn before, even doing photoshoots for new Beaufort’s collections.There’s delicate eyeshadow and subtle eyeliner, there are three coats of that mascara on my lashes, and she’s contoured myface sharply.My cheekbones are a bit more prominent now than they’ve been in the last little while.
Dad frowned in surprise when the stylist commented on my plump face.I might be able to hide the pregnancy for another month or two—but not much longer.
The minute I imagine my family’s reaction to the news, I feel as though someone’s constricting my throat.But I can’t think about that now.Not today.
After what feels like an eternity, I say “no” in answer to Percy’s question, despite which, I turn and stride fiercely toward the door.He follows me in silence.At the cloakroom, he tries to help me with my coat, but I turn away from him.The look in his eyes is so full of sympathy that I can’t bear it right now; instead, I slip my arms into my sleeves myself and walk outside.The ground is covered with frost that glitters slightly in the sun.I head cautiously down the steps toward the black limousine parked at the bottom of them.Percy opens the door and I thank him, get in, and drop onto the back seat next to James.
The mood in the car is oppressive.Neither James nor our father, who is sitting perpendicular to us, takes any notice of me.I’m wearing a black sheath dress with long flounced sleeves, and they’re both in black suits, specially made for today.The dark fabric is making my brother look even paler than he already is.The stylist did her best to add a little color to his cheeks, but it didn’t do much good.The makeup has worked miracles on Dad, though.There’s no more sign of his black eye.
I shake my head as I study them both.My family is an absolute wreck.
