Page 184 of Save You
“This is an ASMR video.”
James’s whole face is a question mark.
“It’s a thing,” I explain.“I really don’t know how to describe it.They’re videos where people speak quietly and make crinkling or rustling noises, for example.”
“But why?”It’s kind of sweet how confused he is.I’ve never seen him like this before.
“It’s soothing,” I explain.“My brain totally responds to it.”
“So, you watch this to relax?”he asks dubiously.
I nod.“It gives me kind of goose bumps on my head.Sometimes I watch them to fall asleep too.”
James grins.“I think you must have to really get into it for it to work.Right now, I’m finding it too weird to get goose bumps.It’s…It really is kind of odd.”
“There are hundreds of videos,” I say, clicking on the next favorite on my list.Now there’s a doctor, quietly telling a patient to raise their arm and shut their eyes.
It doesn’t take long for my scalp to start tingling.
James shakes his head.“That’s fascinating.In a totally messed-up way.”
“Watch one tonight before you go to bed.And then tell me if it worked,” I say with a knowing grin.
“It would be cool if it did.I’ve been sleeping so badly for weeks.”
The grin falls from my face.I don’t want to kill the mood, butwhen he says a thing like that, I can’t just ignore it.I have to ask the question, however sad it is.
“Is that because of your mum?”I ask carefully.
James takes a breath.For a moment, he doesn’t move a muscle, then he exhales audibly and nods.“Yes.I…sometimes dream about her.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
The doctor on the video is still going through his consultation, and I press the space bar to pause it.
James is quiet for a while, like he’s trying to find the right words.Again, I cautiously take his hand, like earlier, before Ember interrupted us.James turns his palm up so that we can link our fingers.
“I never thought it would feel like this,” he begins.
“What do you mean?”I whisper.
He gulps hard.“Without my mum.”
I press his hand to encourage him to go on.And he does.
James starts to tell me about the last two months.Faltering at first, then a bit more smoothly as the words flood out.He tells me about the guilty feelings toward his mother, because he feels like he’s not grieving properly.About being afraid for Lydia, the fear that’s with him when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep.About the Beaufort meetings where it feels like his soul isn’t part of his body and he’s watching everything like an outsider.He tells me that his father won’t let him or Lydia visit their aunt Ophelia.That Lydia really wants to find a private midwife, but she’s scared of revealing her secret.And that he feels bad about letting his friends down recently.
We sit in my room all day, talking.Not just about James’s family.About all kinds of things.School, Ember’s blog, my chatwith Alice Campbell last night, which I still haven’t processed properly.
Just before five, Dad calls my phone.He prefers that to yelling across the house like Mum does, or sending Ember up to my room.
“Dinner’s ready,” I say.
Hand in hand, we walk to the door.I’m about to open it when James pulls me back again.He hugs me and holds me tight for a moment.
“Thanks,” he whispers, right into my ear.
I don’t have to ask for what.
