Page 41 of Save You
I nod and take the corner into the hall so fast that the rug skids over the wooden floor and I hit my shoulder on the coatrack.But even that can’t stop me from flinging open the door, a grin on my face…
…that immediately freezes to ice.
James is on the doorstep.He’s in the middle of running a hand through his hair, and—just like me—he stops dead in mid-movement.His cheeks are slightly flushed, and his breath is forming little clouds in the icy winter air.It looks like he’s on his way to an important meeting, or one’s just finished.
I want to slam the door in his face.
And I want to hug him.
Maybe it’s just as well that I’m incapable of doing anything.I just stare at him, feeling my heartbeat quicken at the sight of him.
“I…” he begins, but his voice dies away.
I remember the day he turned up under the pretense of bringing me the dress for the Halloween party.Then I could see him fighting an internal battle with himself, and it’s the same now—his innermost feelings want to be set free, but he can somehow never quite let that happen.
“I can’t go on like this, Ruby,” he suddenly bursts out.He shakes his head and looks up at me.“I can’t go on like this.”
He sounds tired and broken.Sad and shattered.Like something’s happened from which there’s no going back.
It’s clear that he can’t be on his own right now.But at the same time, I’m annoyed that he’s here.I’m the last person he should come to if he’s got problems.Why does he have to wreck this moment for me?I’ve just got an offer from Oxford, for God’s sake.I should be dancing around the house, not letting his pain get me down like this.The thing between us is over—heended it.And we shouldn’t be taking two steps back, desperately clinging on to something that no longer exists.
“You can’t go on like what?”
“I’ve just been at a Beaufort’s board meeting.Lydia’s pregnant.And I got into Oxford.I…I’m fucked up right now.”
James’s chest is rising and falling frantically, like he’s been running a marathon.And it probably feels that way to him.I know how much he hates the pressure his dad puts on him, and just at the moment, it looks like he’s about to buckle beneath it.
I take a deep breath.“I get how bad that must be for you.But…I’m not the person you should turn to when you’re down,” I reply as gently as possible.
He hurries up the steps to the front door, until he’s standing right in front of me.His eyes are dark; his expression is desperate.I’ve never seen him like this.
“I can’t keep away from you any longer.You’re the only person who truly understands me.I need you.And I’m going to fight for us, because I’m yours.I’ll always be yours, Ruby.”
I grip on to the doorframe and stare at him in total disbelief.My body is flooded with hope, pain, and rage all at once, a chaotic blend that sets my heart racing and my thoughts whirling wildly.
I can’t believe he just said that.
I can’t believe he’s trying again, having another go at knocking my life off course.
Suddenly, I’m furious.How dare he rejoin the events committee?How dare he wreck this moment for me?
“No,” I say with an effort, shaking my head.“No.”
“Please, Ruby, I—”
“Do you know whatIneed, James?”I interrupt him.“I need peace.I need time for myself, to get over you.I really wish for you to be happy one day, and that you won’t let your dad run your life for you.But I can’t help you with that.”
He shakes his head.“I feel better when you’re with me.Then I am just…happy.”
“It’s not my fucking job to make you happy!”I scream.
James flinches and takes a step back.He slips off the top step, and for a moment it looks like he’s going to lose his balance, but he catches himself at the last second.He stares at me and the unspeakable shock in his eyes takes my breath away.
“James,” I croak.
He shakes his head.“No, you’re right.I…I shouldn’t have come here.”
Without another word, he turns away and walks down the steps.He hastily crosses our front garden until he reaches the low wooden gate.He opens it, steps through, and then looks back at me again.His eyes are glassy, like they’re full of tears, but I can’t tell if that’s because of what I said, or just the cutting wind.Before I can say anything, he turns and leaves.
