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“Please tell me you’ve had at least one nightmare about aliens since you’ve arrived?” Will begs. “That will make me feel less alone. I have one at least once a week. Usually they’re hostile.”
“Same,” Han grumbles. “They like to experiment on me.” He shudders.
Jim nods. “Yeah, me too. What about you, Louise?”
I freeze. Nightmares, yes. About aliens, no. About much worse things? Yes. Real things. Things that happened. People who died. People who still live but might not be real. My men, dissolving into thin air as soon as I touch them.
I stop the rover and close my eyes as the images assault me from all sides.
Han in my arms, suddenly gone. I’m hugging the air, then notice, then cry in anguish. Toby comes, pointing at his blackened arm, throwing insults at me before he dissolves as well. The others, standing in a circle around me, watching me, debating whether I’m real. I get up and walk towards Jim, but his eyes are empty and as soon as I reach out and touch him, he’s gone. I run around the circle, touching my men but they’re not really there, they’re just in my mind, ghosts I conjured to be less alone.
Then my friends appear, my colleagues, their dead faces staring at me in disapproval. Why are you still alive, they seem to ask. Why did you survive and we didn’t? What makes you special? What makes you worthy of living?
“Louise, it’s okay,” Han’s says from far away. “Focus on the present. Can you feel my hand on your knee? Focus on that.”
There’s a slight touch, nebulous, not quite real. Still, I do as he asks, like we practised. I use his touch as an anchor and pull myself out of the nightmare.
Slowly, the figures around me disappear.
My heart is beating fast and I’m breathing hard.
“Deep breaths,” Han says soothingly. “You’re doing well. Keep focussing on my hand.”
He squeezes my knee, gently, reassuringly.
“Now open your eyes.”
I don’t want to. What if they’re not real? What if I’m alone in the rover?
“Are you real?” I whisper pathetically, still not daring to open my eyes.
“We are, yes,” Han says in his calm, reassuring voice. “How can we prove it to you?”
There are whispers, then suddenly, something touches my lips. A finger is gently rubbing my bottom lip and I open my mouth in response. So gentle, so full of care. Is this a dream? Can this be real?
A moment later, a hand on my cheek, turning my head. Then, his lips on mine.
Han is kissing me.
His lips are soft, caressing mine with every tiny movement. At the same time, his thumb is stroking my cheek, his hand still holding me.
With his other arm, he pulls me closer until our bodies touch, mine fitting perfectly against his.
Little sparks are flying through my body, reawakening parts of me that have been dormant for a long time.
He’s kissing me.
I return the kiss, putting all the feelings I have for him into the touch of our lips.
I open my mouth slightly, inviting him in. He doesn’t hesitate and pushes forward with this tongue, exploring my mouth, connecting us.
Goosebumps are spreading on my back and a warm feeling settles in my stomach.
Yes, he’s real.
I open my eyes and look straight into his. Tiny flecks of gold surround his mahogany pupils, drawing me in.
Gently, he breaks the kiss.
