Page 1 of Alien Abduction for Beginners
Xil
This had been a mistake. A big one. Judging from their groans, Havel and Matar thought the same thing. When I'd signed us up for this course, I hadn't expected there to be assignments, let alone exams. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, not an entire degree.
"Is it refundable?" Matar asked with an irritated flick of his tail.
I studied the terms and conditions. Klat. No such luck. And we'd paid way too many credits to just give up before we'd even started.
I grit my teeth. "We're going to do this. Exams be damned. We don't even have to do well in them. There are some planets that accept abductors without qualifications."
Havel flashed his fangs in annoyance. "We know. And look how that's worked out. We're the laughingstock of the entire galaxy."
"Just this sector," I quipped. "And we can still change that. We just need to get it right the one time and everything will be forgotten."
Matar groaned again."We've tried six times. I can still see the last female waving at us as she stole our escape pod. Do you really think we'll be successful after taking this course?"
"The Intergalactic University has an excellent reputation. Their classes must be good. And if we fail, we can always choose a different path. I hear space pirating pays quite nicely."
"Kardarians don't becomepirates,"Havel spat."They abduct females. It's what we do. What our people have done ever since they discovered spaceflight. We have to do this. There's no other way."
"Yeah, I don't plan on staying a bachelor forever." Matar licked his lips. "I can't wait to have a female of my own. Soft and succulent, ready to worship me."
Havel snickered. "I think you got something wrong there. You're supposed to worship the female, not the other way round. Make her feel like the only woman in the universe. Even I know that. Maybe it’s good that we’re doing this course after all."
I left them to their bickering and select the first lecture. We were on autopilot and wouldn't get to Kepler Two for another seven intergalactic hours, so we had got time on our hands. I threw it at our main screen, hiding the view of the Scorpion Nebula flying past.
"Now?" Havel groaned. "Don't we have better things to do?"
I shot him a glare. "It was you she ran away from. Sit down and watch this klatting lecture."
He grovelled but both him and Matar took their seats. I was already in my captain's chair. The only difference between my seat and theirs was that mine was a little elevated, giving me a better view of the bridge. It wasn't any comfier and the thick skin on my arse told of the many hours I'd spent in this chair. Autopilot was all well and good, but I was a traditionalist at heart and liked to fly Jade, my ship, manually.
After the logo of the Intergalactic University vanished, a Karangi female appeared on the screen. The third eye on her forehead sparkled with enthusiasm as she introduced herself as Professor Katila welcomed us as her new students. Not that she was actually aware of us. This was a recorded lecture, just like all of them. We'd only get to talk to our professors face to face in seminars and in preparation for our exams. I shuddered. I hated exams.
"Abductions are one of the galaxy's most sacred traditions," she said in her smooth, delicate voice. They'd done well to choose a Karangi to hold these lectures. They were known for their intelligence and benevolence. If a Karangi was able to do an abduction despite their deeply ingrained morals, anyone could.
"Ever since the first species discovered space flight, abductions of lesser beings have taken place. It's a universal urge that cannot be ignored. Whether it's for companionship, research or simply to get a new pet, abductions are your cheap and easy way to get what you need. The rules of the University require me to say at this point that we do not condone slavery in any shape or form."
She smiled, all three eyes full of warmth. I almost felt loved simply by looking at the video of her. "We shall begin this course with the four Ls. Learn. Locate. Lure. Leave."
The four words appeared on the screen. Matar snorted. "She left indeed."
"I don't think that's what Professor Katila meant," I whispered before realising I didn't need to keep my voice down.
"We're currently at the learning stage. You need to know everything you can about how best to abduct. It's not enough to simply know how to take someone from their planet. You have to be prepared for the aftermath."
Matar chuckled again but both Havel and I ignored him.
"Once you've completed the basic modules of this course, you can start thinking about locating your target. There is a lot to consider even if you already know the species and planet you prefer. Knowledge is key for a successful abduction. As soon as you've done your research and have set your eyes on your target, it's time for the luring stage. Some might simply use a tractor beam to get their target aboard, but in my opinion, that lacks finesse. Abducting is an art form and it should be treated as such."
"She's a little over the top, right?" I asked the guys. "How is it art?"
"Maybe that's where we've gone wrong," Havel muttered.
"Finally, leaving the planet. This isn't just a physical task. Your target will feel lost and alone so far from their home. It's your responsibility to make them comfortable and prepare them for their new life. Even if that life means being probed and researched until they expire."
Interesting. Katila was against slavery but didn't mind subjects being experimented on. I didn't know much about probing, but I was pretty certain that it didn't always happen with the consent of the being on the lab table. I supposed we'd cover that later in the course.
"Today, we shall talk about the motivations for your planned abduction," the Professor continued. "You can do this as a solo or group project, although we do recommend beginners to cooperate with other students for their first abduction. It will help you achieve the top grades possible while also assuring a safe and rewarding experience."
