Page 96 of Penance
“Loving you is like breathing.”
Tanner’s hand goes to the back of his neck, squeezing. “I hope you don’t mind I came here.”
Reality floods in, and I realize I’ve been staring at Tanner without a word since I opened the door.
“No. No, “ I say, stepping aside. “Sorry. Come in.”
Tanner walks past me, and I shut the door. We don’t walk much further into the house, staying in the foyer while we each look around uncomfortably.
I’m the one to break the silence. “Is everything okay, Tanner? Is there something I can help you with?”
His cheeks redden, and he drops his hand from his neck, cracking each of his knuckles. I just—did you and my dad break up?”
The question is so unexpected that it nearly knocks me to my knees.
Break up. Can it be called that when we weren’t dating in the first place?
“Uh—something like that. We—um—we just decided we weren’t right for each other.” A beat of silence passes, and I add, “Your dad is a great guy. We just aren’t compatible. It was me…not him.” I finish lamely.
I’m rambling, but I don’t want Tanner to think this “break-up” means Theo won’t stay. This whole thing started so Theo could prove he was reliable. Steady. He wanted to prove to the judge—and though he never said it aloud, Tanner, too—that he could stay, and I don’t want his chances of proving that to be hindered because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel.
“Was it me?” Tanner asks, and it’s a different kind of heartbreak I experience this time. “Did I—uh—did I ruin it somehow? I know I wasn’t the friendliest that night you came over, and I’m sorry. I just—please don’t leave my dad.”
Tanner is rocking back and forth between the balls of his feet,avoiding looking at me, and for the second time in a matter of days, I realize I’m in love.
Stepping forward, I place my hand on Tanner’s cheek. It’s wet from the tears that have slipped from his eyes. I stroke my thumb against the skin, wiping them away.
“Tanner,” I say gently. “Look at me.”
He shakes his head, and I wipe away another tear.
“Come on, Tanner, look at me.”
He slowly lifts his gaze, and the devastation resting there destroys me.
“It wasn’t you,” I say, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.
“He’s going to leave.” Every fear rests in those four words. He’s terrified of Theo leaving again.
“Who told you that?” I don’t need to ask. I already know, but I ask anyway.
“My mom,” he whispers, and I hate her for him. No matter what she does, he’ll always love Josephine because she’s his mom. That’s a sentiment I understand too well, but I can hate her for him.
“He’s never going to leave you again, Tanner. With me in the picture or not. He’s staying for you.”
“How do you know?” His voice cracks, and he leans his face into the warmth of my hand, seeking comfort.
“Because he’s different.”
Tanner’s brows sink down. “Different than what?”
It’s not something I can explain to him, so I decide to show him instead.
“Stay right here. I have something for you,” I say, dropping my hand and running to my room, and when I come back, I’m carrying the journals I’ve written the last couple of days. I thought they were for me, but I was wrong. They’re for him.
Standing in front of Tanner again, I hold out my hand, offering himthe pieces of me that never healed.
“Read these, and then talk to your dad.”
