Page 40 of All That Glitters
She nodded. “Okay. How? How can I help?”
“I don’t really know. All I know is I won’t be racing this season if I don’t figure out how the fuck to get back behind the wheel of a car. I’m… I’m terrified.”
She took a step toward me, then another, and another. I focused on her shoes, the way the hem of her pants covered the toes when she moved.
She never dressed up when she was racing. She was jeans and sneakers and T-shirts, messy ponytails, no make-up save for a little grease from time to time. Now, though, since she stopped, she wore business suits and heels and a light layer of color on her face.
She was beautiful now, but if I think back, I’d say she was stunning then.
“Post-traumatic stress, you know? Fear.”
She stopped a couple feet away from me.
“I don’t doubt that. I don’t know much about it, have never experienced it myself, but yes, I would think so. Have you talked to anyone?”
“Yeah. She told me that I have it. I’m not seeing her anymore. And I haven’t told anyone anything she’d said.”
“You should tell someone.”
“I am. I’m telling you.”
“I don’t know how to help you through that, Ashton.”
“I don’t know what’s a good idea anymore.”
“I’m not qualified to help you heal or deal with something like this.”
“Maybe not, but you’re the only one I plan on sharing it with. Helen, I —”
“Jesus, Ash… I don’t want to cause you more harm. I don’t want to be the one responsible for that. I… You need someone who knows how to deal with what you’re going through, someone who knows —”
“Me.”
That stopped her words. The way she looked at me, the fierceness of friendship, the uncertainty that she could do anything to help me… I was such a bastard.
“Me. Helen, I need someone who knows me and you do. I need someone I can trust that doesn’t have my father in their ears at all times.”
I could say so many things about the harm and hurt caused by Hale, that this wouldn’t be a discussion, that this wouldn’t be happening at all if it hadn’t been caused by someone related to her and therefore, indirectly caused by her. Flawed thinking on my part again but there it was.
I reasoned that if I couldn’t fix it myself, then the next best person to help would be Helen.
Plus, I’d get to spend time with her. She might remember she once liked me, though, I honestly didn’t think she stopped liking me or stopped wanting to be my friend. The circumstances made for a whole lot of awkwardness.
“If I thought I could do this on my own… If I thought this was as simple as getting back up on the horse after it’s thrown me, so to speak, I would do it myself. But it’s not and I can’t. Please understand how difficult this is for me to ask.”
She considered me for a few long drawn-out minutes, long enough that it made me uncomfortable. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her to forget it, that I’d figure something else out, but I didn’t. I waited. I shoved my not so steady hands into my pockets and I waited.
“You know that you’ll probably not be ready for qualifying.”
“I have to be. Don’t you understand that? I’ve already missed one test. If I miss another one…”
“Ash… You can’t rush being ready. You can’t just say and expect it to happen.”
“I know. My hope is that once I do it several times that the pieces will start to fall into place inside my head again. I have to, Helen. My father is looking to…” I almost choked on the words. “He’s looking at replacing me if I can’t. I don’t want to lose my seat. Not even for one more race.”
Vulnerability wasn’t my strong suit. I was never vulnerable. Not with anyone. Not for any reason, not for a second, but with her, with this I was laying myself bare and I couldn’t remember a time when I’d felt more naked while still fully clothed.
Again, she studied me, watched me, stared at me. She was looking for something and I don’t know what it was that she finally saw, but she gave me a short nod.
