Page 65 of All That Glitters
She gave one short nod and turned on her heel.
“Helen.”
She hadn’t been out of my sight for a heartbeat and I felt the cold of the cottage leak into me. She didn’t return to the kitchen, but I knew she’d stopped. I knew she was just on the other side of the wall.
There was no winner in this little agreement. There was no one who would come out on top. There was no one who would gain anything.
The reality was we were all going to lose.
I didn’t say anything else because I didn’t know how to ask her to stay. A few minutes later I heard the front door close and the door to her Jeep slam shut, followed by the engine roaring to life.
“Shit.”
15
Helen
The clock ticked away the minutes, taunting me.
I had spent days with my head buried in my laptop, working from dawn until well after dusk when I’d take myself off to bed. I’d spent the nights tossing and turning, dreaming of Ashton, of the wreck, of the sex, of the things in my own life that weren’t mine or meant for me at all.
When I was awake, I’d kept music on. I listened to everything from 70’s rock which was my father’s favorite to Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift who were my favorites. Hale either stayed out of my way or was gone. The closer the race came, the more he was away, usually at the speedway. That was fine. It was good, actually. I didn’t have to see the accusations in his eyes and he didn’t have to walk on eggshells for fear of being snapped at.
Ashton had done this to me, to us.
I hadn’t heard from him. I wasn’t sure I would which suited me just fine. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore. I didn’t want to keep up with my end of our agreement, either. I didn’t care if I ever saw him again.
Goddammit.
I dropped my head into my hands. I could lie to him, to Hale, to my family, to anyone else in the world, but I couldn’t lie to myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I was too masochistic for that. Apparently, I liked inflicting a little pain with my truth.
Even after what happened at the cottage I wanted to see him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be surrounded by his magnetism. I would always want him. It didn’t matter how much he humiliated me, how much he fucked with my heart, how much he put me on my knees… I would always want him.
Fucking bastard.
I would do this as long as he needed me to. I would go through whatever he needed if it helped him exorcize the demons riding him, if helped him fight back.
There was a part of me that had begun to hate him for what he was doing to me, but I couldn’t place all the blame on him. I agreed. I said yes. I was as much to blame as he was, and when my heart was shattered, I would have to face that ugly reality.
The end of us hadn’t entered my mind when he lobbied for my help. I don’t know why. Ashton had only ever been dedicated to one thing in this world. Racing. No woman would ever come before it. And I had no illusions, grand or otherwise, that if there was a perfect woman for Ashton Glitterati, it would be me.
But I used to be his friend.
I was nothing more than a means to an end now.
“Helen?” I lifted my head. Hale sat next to me at the dinner table, a concerned expression on his face. For the past few minutes, I’d forgotten that I wasn’t alone right then. I hadn’t touched my food. I hadn’t even touched my glass of wine. That was a little bit telling.
“Hm?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“Liar.”
“I’m tired. I’ve been working a lot.”
“I know, but that’s not what’s wrong. What’s going on with you and Ashton?”
