Page 67 of All That Glitters
“No, he’s not. But he had the most to lose and he lost it.”
“So, now you’re defending him. Against me?” His disappointment hurt. His defensiveness hurt. I could also understand it.
“It’s not a competition.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Hale…”
“He’s going to use you then discard you. He doesn’t know any other way. And you’re going to let him.”
I was uncomfortable with how much Hale actually understood about what was going on without me saying much at all.
“Give me a little credit. I know what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure every other woman who’s slept with him said the same thing.”
“So, that’s what you think of me?” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my brother’s mouth or mine. I didn’t want to examine any of it. I didn’t want to think about the things that I’d done with Ashton. I didn’t want to think about what I’d agreed to.
I didn’t want to look in the mirror. I’m not sure that I’d like what would be reflected back at me.
“No. That’s not what I think of you.” He sighed and craned his neck to glare at the ceiling. It was something he did when he was frustrated and unable to find the right words, like whatever was above him would have the answers. “You know him as well as I do. Or did. And I know why he’s angry with me. I just wish he’d… Yell at me, hit me, pick a fight. Something. Anything.”
“You two tried that in our living room. There was some yelling and I think you both wanted to hit each other.”
“I don’t want the season to start this way and I don’t want questions about me and him to continue into this year. I don’t want to keep being asked about the crash and our friendship. I just want to race. I just want to put the helmet on and forget everything else.”
I nodded. Finishing last season out was one thing. Going into a new one was always a different animal.
“I thought I was protecting you by not pushing you to do any of the interviews that piled up, but I should’ve set up a few things. I failed you in that.”
I was his sister and I let my personal feelings get in the way of my professional role. I managed his career from nearly every angle. I’d offered up prepared statements and our social media team handled images and videos and together we’d kept everything about the car, the racing, and very little about him.
“I’m as much to blame. I didn’t want to seem like I was making excuses. I didn’t want to give Ashton more fuel and I thought by not answering any further questions beyond the ones immediately after that…” He hung his head, his shoulders slumped in misery. “He hates me, Helen.”
No one had prepared me for this. No one had prepared Hale for this.
“I don’t think he hates you.”
“He blames me.”
“Yes, but I don’t think he hates you. I don’t think he’s ready to see the wreck for what it was.”
“Will he ever be?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. It would be better for everyone and the sport as a whole if he did. We all need him to agree that it was a accident, that it wasn’t intentional.”
“One interview. But not now. In a few weeks with a couple races run and done.”
I didn’t know exactly how we got to this place in the conversation, but I was glad that we were no longer talking about me and Ashton because Hale connected more dots than I’d realized he had.
“Okay. I will look for someone you can sit down with.” But I already had someone in mind. I didn’t know much about the woman who’d called a couple of times and sent several email inquiries, but I’d looked up what I could find. She had a small blog where she covered races and wrote opinion pieces on the sport as a whole. I liked her style and she seemed fairly knowledgeable.
Wheels turned in my head and I made a mental note to look into contacting her in a few weeks.
“I’m sorry I let you down,” I said softly.
“You didn’t let me down. Like you said, you were trying to protect me.”
