Page 1 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
Prologue
“It won’t fit.”
Those three words were the first indicator that something was wrong.
Very wrong.
I winced as he struggled above me, his enamored joy twisting into frustration as his face turned red. Tyler was nearly twice my size – a foot taller than me and wrapped in lean muscle from years of athletics and weightlifting. I, on the other hand, was barely five foot two and on the verge of being unattractively thin. A minute ago, I had been fretting about exposing my A-cup breasts and wondering if his pelvis would crush my tiny, protruding hip bones.
Now I had much bigger problems.
I winced as he tried again, attempting to relax my legs as they quivered uncontrollably. This hadn’t been my idea, but after much persuading, I had agreed to let my longtime boyfriend take my virginity. After all, we werethatcouple, together since freshmen orientation at our tiny Christian college campus. Always at each other’s sides, unwaveringly loyal to each other, and sickeningly in love.
I cheered in the stands at his football games, and he gave standing ovations at my choir recitals. We were a perfect match, and Tyler told me he intended to propose as soon as we graduated.
“So, since we’re going to get married anyway,” he had insisted. “I want to do this now.”
I initially balked at the suggestion, feeling nauseous with betrayal. I was concerned that my loving boyfriend was one ofthoseguys my parents had warned me about.All they want is sex,they’d told me.And they’ll say just about anything to get it.
But over the past few weeks, as he continued to bring it up, I gradually warmed up to the idea.We’ve been together for almost four years. He loves me. And he’s right – if we’re going to get married anyway, what does it matter?
Although my knowledge of the biology behind intercourse was limited, I’d always seen it as a warm, romantic act – the strongest declaration of love in the whole world. My campus’s education on the subject was minimal, focused more on drilling abstinence into students’ heads than divulging any useful information on how it all worked.
For that, I had to turn to the internet. And the resulting web searches nearly flipped my stomach inside out.
But Tyler had insisted that everything would be alright.
“I’ll make it romantic,” he told me. “I’ll put rose petals on the bed, get some nice candles. I’ll even sneak in a bottle of wine.”
His last promise made me even more uncomfortable, as alcohol was strictly forbidden on campus. But as the day came closer and my stomach-turning internet searches intensified, I decided that slight intoxication wasn’t a bad idea.
But I’d never had wine before, and it turned out I was a lightweight. One glass had my head swimming in a hazy fog, and the rose petals strewn across Tyler’s dorm room bed did little to calm my nerves. Even the candle was nauseating; an overly sickly-sweet fall scent that lingered in the back of my throat.
I’d expected it to be unpleasant. My internet searches told me that it might sting, or there might be some blood.
What I didn’t expect was for my vagina to deny entry altogether.
“Maybe we should try another position?” Tyler suggested.
My thighs clenched. I was already nauseous, uncomfortable, and quivering with anxiety. If we were going to do this, I wanted to at least be lying down.
But I loved Tyler, and I wanted him to be happy. So I reluctantly agreed to try more positions. Most of which I wasn’t comfortable with, and all of which resulted in the same issue. I knew virgins were supposed to be tight, but this seemed extreme. It was as if there was a wall at the entrance to my vagina, blocking off all access.
I jolted. Tyler was getting more forceful, taking out his sexual frustration on my shaking body. He tried again, pushing harder this time.
And I screamed.
It burned like I’d never felt before. It was as if my vagina were being torn in half.
“Avery!” Tyler hissed, clamping his hand over my mouth. “You’ve got to be quiet! They’re going to hear you!”
Bythey, he meant the dorm RAs. My neck craned toward the half-empty wine bottle on Tyler’s nightstand. Like alcohol, sex was forbidden on campus. Which meant we had to be discreet.
“This isn’t working,” I whispered, clenching my throat as I fought back tears.
Relief washed over my naked body as Tyler’s grip loosened. He sighed and shook his head, flopping down on the too-small twin bed beside me.
“It’s okay, Avie,” Tyler whispered in a soothing voice, rubbing my bare shoulder. “I know the first time is tough for girls. Let’s call it a night, and we’ll try again some other time.”
