Page 63 of Sunrises & Salvation
Adam:I miss you. Hurry back, there’s something I need you to hear.
Ten minutes ago. He texted me ten minutes ago. My heart flutters in my chest when I turn toward his dormitory, walking briskly in the cold air and trying not to jostle my takeout box too much. I don’t want my leftover queso to spill all over my tacos, making the corn tortilla soggy.
I push the front door open to the lobby, letting the warm air rush over me. The night shift RA waves to me, and I return the gesture, rushing to get to the elevator. The nerves about what Adam has to tell me are coursing through my body.
What is he going to say? Is he going to say he loves me?
The door to Adam’s room is in my view and I have to control my anxious thoughts so I don’t end up freaking out before I even walk in.
I stop in front of his door, about to twist the doorknob, when I hear Danielle on the other side. Oh, I should definitely not walk in there right now. If they’re talking, I can give them privacy.
Until I hear Danielle say…
“Just tell me the truth, Adam, are you and Hunter together?” I hold my breath waiting for his answer, because he agreed to talk to her, but it sounds like she is very upset. I don’t know what he’s going to say, if he’s going to try to calm her down or confess everything. Either way, I trust him. If he says no, I know it’s because he wasn’t ready to confront the truth like this. I wouldn’t have been able to tell Thomas the truth if he had raised his voice at me like that.
“No! Why would you even ask that?” His voice is quieter, calmer.
“Don’t. Don’t fucking do that Adam. Don’t make me out to be the crazy one for thinking that.”
“Then don’t act fucking crazy and I wouldn’t.” My jaw drops at the venom in his tone. I’ve never heard Adam talk like that to anyone. Sure, he’s snapped a few times, but never anything like that.
“Stop! After everything, why are you lying to me?”
“I’m not lying to you, Danielle. He’s weird, and we’re just friends. That’s whatyoutold me to do. You told me to be nice to him; to hang out with him, and maybe it would help him make more friends.”
My stomach drops, the color flooding out of my face. I put my takeout box on the floor, wiping both of my clammy palms on my legs. Panic sets in, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Because Danielle didwhat?She wanted him to be friends with me. Did she seriously see me as that much of an invalid that I can’t make my own friends?
But Adam’s words are ricocheting in my head. Weird. Weird.Weird.
The same word that kids at school used to taunt me with before they shoved me down to the ground and took turns punching me in the face. The same word used against me when I was avoided in the hallways and no one would sit by me at lunch.
I thought for sure college would be my chance to break away from that label, to let go and enjoy myself. To learn to love me for me and be proud of myself. That was supposed to be college for me.
Tears stream down my face, my sinuses burning, and my nose running from the pure force of me holding back my sobs. I don’t want to hear anything else they have to say, but I need to know exactly what they think of me before I walk away. Because as soon as I walk away from here, it will be the last time I see either of them.
“I didn’t mean you should sleep with him! For fuck’s sake, Adam, you’re straight. You’ve never evenlookedat another man. I wanted you to be his friend because he seemed like he needed one!”
That’s my cue, I can’t stand here and listen to them talk about me like that. To hear how pathetic they truly think I am.
Good grief, I really am an idiot. I was dumb for ever believing that they wanted to be my friend, and that Adam would want anything to do with me.
Pity. That’s what it was. Pity. And that’s the worst part of it all.
How many nights did I stay up, talking to Adam and telling him all my hopes and dreams. How many times did I meet Danielle in the library and listen to her contemplate whether she really wanted to be a doctor because her science courses were difficult.
All the times I listened to them talk and regaled them with my own dumb stories. And it was all out ofpity.
I race down the stairs and out into the cold air. I run all the way to my dorm room, my legs burning and my chest heaving, trying to breathe through the pain in my body and in my heart.
My roommate isn’t here, thankfully. I don’t know if I could have held this in any longer. I fall face-first onto my bed, screaming into my pillow until my throat burns. The tears have dried, but my body still rocks with the dry sobs.
I call my mom, my hand shaking as I hold the phone up to my face. She picks up on the third ring, groggily speaking into the phone. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Can Dad come pick me up, please?” My words are slow because if I speak any faster, I’m going to break down harder than I did the first time.
I wait for her to come up with an excuse or tell me that I need to stay on campus. But she does neither, instead, I hear her wakemy dad up. Their whispered conversation comes through my speaker, and I hold the phone between my ear and my shoulder, packing my bags while they talk.
