Page 51 of Any Given Lifetime
“God, this is intense, Neil. Is it really you?”
“It’s me. Wanted you forever,” Neil babbled. “Wanted you since you opened the door in your towel back in Nashville. No, no, wanted you before that. Wanted you from the second or third time I laid eyes on you. By the mailbox. Getting your mail.”
Joshua made a broken noise and dove for Neil’s mouth again.
When Neil came up for air, he found he’d steered Joshua to his bedroom, the bed still unmade from the morning before. The towers of books, which he’d carefully stacked and sorted after his freak-out, shook as he slammed the door behind them.
“This is a bad idea,” Neil said again, helping Joshua with the button on his jeans, noting that Joshua’s hands were trembling. Neil pushed them aside, hushing Joshua’s panic with a gentle, “Let me, let me.”
Joshua’s hands went to Neil’s hair again, then under his T-shirt to push it over his head. He skimmed down his back in firm, wanting, grabbing strokes that Neil responded to eagerly with grabbing strokes of his own. He glided his hands down Joshua’s chest, tugging on hair, and then tweaking Joshua’s nipples.
“Don’t wanna lose you,” Neil muttered. “But you’re here, can’t turn you away, I’d be an idiot, and we know I’m not an idiot—”
“Except for that truck thing,” Joshua whispered.
“Touché,” Neil agreed, kissing Joshua’s collarbone, tasting his skin, a floodgate of memory opening in him. “Do you remember your apartment? That ratty old sofa, and you tasted just like this. Your roommate came in, and I wanted to murder him, because you’d had your hand on my cock through my pants, and Christ, Iwantedyou. What was his name?” Neil asked, urgently, kicking his own jeans off and away, while helping to shove Joshua’s down.
“Paul.” Joshua moaned. “I can’t believe it’s really you.” Joshua gazed at Neil with wide, shocked eyes. His mouth was open and red from their kisses. “How? Is this a dream? Really, Neil, honestly. Tell me—am I losing my mind?”
“I don’t know—maybe. I ask myself that question all the time.” Neil knelt at Joshua’s feet, and ran his hand over Joshua’s stomach. The chest hair thinned to a line under his navel that ran to the top of his underwear, and Neil licked his lips, wanting to get beneath them. “We can’t do this,” Neil said.
“We shouldn’t. It’s too fast,” Joshua agreed, pushing his underwear down, his cock bouncing up looking achingly hard and rosy.
“Christ,” Neil said again, pushing his own off, too, watching Joshua’s eyes go impossibly wider at the sight of Neil’s cock. “Hey, hey.” Neil grabbed Joshua’s hands. “This can stop any time. We can slow down.”
Joshua nodded. “Yeah, slow down.”
And then things went completely out of control.
Joshua grabbed handfuls of Neil’s hair, guided him forward, and pressed his dick into his mouth. Joshua’s cock tasted like heaven on Neil’s tongue, and he sucked eagerly, desperately, before rising up again to push Joshua back onto the bed, kissing him, as they moved against each other in a frenzy of clutching, grabbing, and grinding. A swell of moans and whispers and cries rose in the room.
Neil clutched the condom in his hand, his fingers trembling as he rolled it on. “If we do this, there’s no going back. I don’t want you to regret it. Just tell me to stop.”
“Please, Neil,” Joshua said, his voice rough and vulnerable, his legs spread and his cock throbbing visibly against his stomach. Pre-come pearled on the head, and his thighs trembled.
Neil met Joshua’s lust-filled gaze, eyelids heavy and mouth bruised with kisses. The hair on Joshua’s chest didn’t hide the flush of red up over his skin and up his neck. Joshua was open and begging for him. It was more than Neil had dreamed of his entire life, more than he thought he’d ever have. He couldn’t stop now. He should. He should stop it before it all went to hell. Neil growled, grabbed his own cock roughly in one hand, and managed not to come.
Neil threw Joshua’s legs up to his shoulders, lined up, paused, staring at Joshua’s small, quickly lubed hole and the thick head of his big cock. He hesitated again. “This isn’t how I wanted it. Not back then. Not now. Wanted it to make sense—for you to understand. This isn’t how I wanted it.”
“Me, either. But I’ll take what I can get,” Joshua said, reaching for Neil’s ass and pulling him in.
Neil’s eyes rolled up against his will—dammit, he wanted to see Joshua! He wanted to see it all! Joshua’s asshole trembled and opened, stretching tight, so damn tight, around his cockhead.
Joshua’s noise of shock brought Neil’s focus back to his face, and he watched as Joshua’s eyes and mouth scrunched with the effort to take Neil in. In that moment, Neil knew Joshua hadn’t done this since his husband’s death. The knowledge was unsurprising but intense all the same, and he breathed deeply to try to control his own urge to shove inside the only man he’d ever loved and wanted like life itself.
“Shh,” Neil soothed, backing out all the way, only to have Joshua grab at his ass again and haul him forward with a deep grunt. Neil pushed against Joshua’s hole and moaned as he sank into the hot, velvet grip of him. He kept his eyes on Joshua’s face, watching in amazement as Joshua’s eyes told him everything—the intensity of Joshua’s emotions, the moment pain turned to pleasure, and the shock of the girth of Neil’s cock putting pressure on Joshua’s prostate.
“Oh my God,” Joshua breathed, using his grip on Neil’s hips to still him with his cock half-buried inside. “I’ve never…oh my God.”
Neil held himself steady, bending low to kiss Joshua’s collarbone, to tongue his nipples and press kisses to Joshua’s heaving chest. He licked his soft chest hair and breathed in the sweetest scent he’d ever known—Joshua’s skin. And then he moved, a shallow thrust. Joshua grabbed Neil’s face, pulled him down, and the wet, slick slide of the kiss and the tight grip of Joshua’s ass around his cock wasperfect. Tears stung his eyes. Joy and a deep sense of rightness swept through him, followed immediately by nearly excruciating fear.
“This can’t happen,” Neil said, because he’d never thought he’d have Joshua. “We can’t do this. You need time. I need to explain. You’ll want to be sure.”
And yet he was doing it. He was rolling his hips and fucking Joshua with intimate, intense, deep strokes, and Joshua was staring at him, mouth open, eyelashes fluttering with each thrust. Completely out-of-control noises issued from Joshua’s throat, shocking noises of want, physical ecstasy, and desperation.
“So big,” Joshua whimpered when Neil bottomed out inside him and then withdrew, a long, sweet pull from Joshua’s clinging, tugging heat.
Neil meant to say that he could stop, that he’d pull out if it was too much, but he shushed Joshua and murmured, “You’re doing great. You feel so good.”
