Page 50 of Any Given Lifetime
Dr. Green went very still, except for his fingers that seemed to tremble against his leg. “Gotta admit, didn’t see that one coming,” he said, his voice low and quiet, almost intimate.
“What? I caught the great Neil Green off guard?”
Dr. Green’s eyes narrowed a bit, and his lips pressed into a nervous, familiar line that Joshua had seen on his Neil more than once, usually when they were discussing something that both thrilled and terrified him.
Dr. Green said, “I know it’s a bit warmer than you’re accustomed to at this time of year, but are you suffering from heat stroke, Mr. Stouder? I’m expecting Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ ‘I Put a Spell on You’ to start playing any second now.”
That song was already old when Joshua was a kid. He remembered Neil singing it one day, waggling his fingers around, and joking, “You’ve put a spell on me; it’s sickening.” Joshua felt a creeping, crawling sensation down his back, as he stared into Neil’s blue eyes, sharp and exactly the same.
“Did you?” Joshua put the water down on the side table next to him and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Did you put a spell on me?”
Dr. Green blew an annoyed raspberry. “What are you talking about? I’m a scientist, remember? Spells aren’t based in science. And don’t even start on those ridiculous spells cast by Wiccans or whatever they’re calling themselves this generation, because—”
This generation.Joshua’s hands were sweaty, and his legs felt weak. “I don’t mean an actual spell, Neil,” Joshua said. “I’m talking about nanites. You can program them to do anything. You’ve said so yourself. Did you program nanites to make me dream of you?”
He had been clinging to this last shred of semi-sanity—even it was a stretch, because how would Neil have introduced the nanites to his blood stream? How would they have bypassed the blood-brain barrier, when that was part of what Joshua’s funding was going toward developing? But it was his only hope—otherwise, he’d either officially lost his mind, or Dr. Green really was Neil, and he couldn’t deal with how much he wanted the latter to be true. Heneededit to be true.
Dr. Green seemed to react to Joshua calling him by his first name. He grew a little more still, and he looked a little more fragile, less full of brass and balls. Joshua tried it again: “So, did you, Neil? Did you use nanites to make me dream those things?”
Joshua felt cold through and through thinking that Neil—no, Dr. Green would do that to him. “Did you mess with my mind that way? Are you trying to make me think I’m crazy? Was it some kind of payback—?”
“Mess with your mind? Nanites to make you dream about me? Even if that were possible, Mr. Stouder, why would I want to do that? Payback for not initially funding my project? That makes no sense.”
“I don’t know you.” Joshua’s stomach was tense and felt full of swarming bees that buzzed into his veins, setting him vibrating.
“Yes, you do,” Neil said, with a certainty and intensity that was undeniable. “You know me. Look at me and tell me you don’t know me.”
Joshua felt dizzy. He was too hot, and he wiped at his forehead again. The room felt like it might be moving, and he felt Neil’s hand on his elbow, steadying him.
“I don’t know you,” Joshua said again, fixed and slow, his tongue feeling thick with the lie.
Neil simply shook his head, and Joshua couldn’t look away. His blue eyes were intense, piercing, and his expression angry and yet soft at the same time. He moved closer to Joshua, his hand going to Joshua’s elbow, and Joshua shuddered when Neil tipped his head back to get a better look at Joshua’s face and sidled up to him, seductive and incredibly present. Joshua felt young. So damn young. He hadn’t felt this way in a long time. In nearly twenty years.
“I’d never hurt you. I’d never—even if the technology existed, which it doesn’t—though, yes, it could. I could make it happen. But, it doesn’t matter, I’d never use nanites to hurt you. As for the rest…” Neil spoke quietly, soothing and strong in his words. “I can’t explain it to you. It doesn’t make sense to me, either. How I came to be here, how I even know who I was before? It’s been hell. But I’d never hurt you, Joshua. I’ve always wanted you to be happy.”
Joshua felt the cry of denial rip from him. “I don’t believe you!”
“Yeah, you do,” Neil said, touching his face softly. Long fingers traced Joshua’s cheekbone before cupping his face gently. “You don’t want to, and I can’t blame you. But you do. You know it’s true.”
Joshua wavered on his feet. He felt himself giving in, falling forward, it was like gravity and he couldn’t stop it from happening. His eyes burned, and his lashes felt wet. He blinked and trembled. Neil’s mouth was full of need, like he’d been waiting his whole life to kiss Joshua.
And just like that, Joshua knew that he had.
Chapter Nineteen
“We shouldn’t bedoing this,” Neil said, his mouth wet with Joshua’s spit, his hands unbuttoning Joshua’s shirt, seeking skin and contact and everything he’d ever wanted his whole life.
“Yeah, we shouldn’t,” Joshua said, diving in for another breathtaking kiss, his hands pulling at Neil’s hair, his hard cock pressing into Neil’s hip, and his breathing coming in desperate pants against Neil’s lips. “It’s nuts. I don’t do this sort of thing.”
“I know. I remember.”
Joshua shuddered in his arms, burying his nose in Neil’s neck, breathing there. “You smell the same. This is impossible. I’m insane.”
“You’re not insane.”
“Even if all of this wasn’t delusional, I’m…your donor,” Joshua muttered, his mouth moving on Neil’s neck with a sweet sensation.
“History repeats itself,” Neil said, his mouth on Joshua’s again. “Always with the excuses and delays.”
