Page 36 of Bitter Heat
But so be it.
He was a doctor now—well, a doctor-ish nurse—and seeing people at their worst was his new everyday situation. The fact that he’d seen Kerry at his worst only made things uncomfortable because Janus wanted to protect him. Every alpha instinct in him wanted to bundle up the vulnerable omega and keep him safe, make him his own, and—
No.
He almost poked his finger with a needle he was cleaning, and he focused his thoughts on his work instead. Sharp objects and distracting, confusing thoughts about pregnant omegas—or one pregnant omega, in particular—didn’t go hand-in-hand. And Janus knew enough about alpha/omega dynamics to know that this pull to protect and care for Kerry would only get stronger as the months passed. But he was a strong, newly principled man…he could resist it.
Finally finished cleaning up, Janus took the steep path back down to Monk’s House, Fan’s words playing like a loop in his head. He wanted to be outraged by the implications of them, and he tried to hold onto anger at Fan for the position Kerry had been in when he crawled out of the forest to the lake. But Janus found he couldn’t maintain it. There was something too real in Fan’s rage, and too sharp in his words for Janus to dismiss them as anything other than the truth. Who was he, an alpha, to know what an omega endures? And just like that, he found himself coming back to Kerry’s side again and again.
Janus still couldn’t bring himself to say that what Kerry had done was right, but regardless, no one owed him an explanation.
As the path narrowed into a piney, rock-strewn tunnel, he spotted branches of white flowers ahead. They reminded him of white lace, the kind worn on the old-fashioned shirts of the Old World, and he approached the branches curiously. He gazed up at the tree, admiring the way its gray limbs stretched out above him, white flowers glowing against the pine bough background. Janus reached up and gripped a thin branch covered with the flowers, tearing it free.
When he’d been at his worst, Caleb had come to him with forgiveness, even though he hadn’t deserved it. Caleb had demanded no explanations for his horrible behavior—though Janus had offered them up desperately—and Caleb had requested nothing but Janus’s return to health. His loving lack of cruelty had turned Janus’s world upside down and brought him to his current place in life. That was worthy of emulating, wasn’t it? Fan seemed to think so.
Janus considered his mission to become a better man. Was offering unconditional acceptance to Kerry part of that? Or was it just a cover for cowardice? It was certainlyeasierto not confront Kerry with demands for a reasonable justification for his actions, but was it right?
He chewed his inner cheek and pondered. The motivation didn’t matter. The outcome alone was important. And the outcome must be Kerry’s full return to health—emotional and spiritual—for both his own and the babe’s benefit.
Kerry needed to be able to trust Janus and Dr. Crescent to get through the months and labor ahead. Raking him over the coals now, demanding that he explain himself or express regret, wouldn’t help with any of that.
Janus grabbed another bough of white flowers and headed onward toward the boarding house. He let the chatter of the woods wash over him and picked up his pace, eager to see Kerry again now that he didn’t feel obligated to find a suitable time to confront him. He could be a hero and offer Kerry a blank slate between them instead.
But Kerry’s room was empty when Janus returned, except for the colorful bird in the cage.
Zeke was down in his garden poking at carrots and beets, and so Janus took a cursory peek around the rest of the house, but Kerry didn’t turn up in any of the other rooms either.
When dinner came and Kerry still wasn’t home, Janus’s pulse thudded with worry. He confronted Zeke about Kerry’s absence, hoping he didn’t sound too possessive. But Zeke just excused his absence by saying Kerry had other obligations for the evening. Yet if Janus could read the furrow of his brow correctly, Zeke was anxious, too.
“You saw him today?” Janus demanded to know.
“Yes. Of course.”
“You don’t think he should be, oh, I don’t know,observedright now?” Janus asked, pushing around his potatoes and meat without taking a bite. “His emotional state seems fragile. He shouldn’t be left alone.”
“I agree, but as I said, he had what you city folk call ‘an obligation of a personal nature.’ He’s not alone.”
Janus felt the blood drain from his face. “Is he going to try again?”
“No.” Zeke patted Janus’s arm reassuringly. “He’s past that now, truly. He’s safe, but I can’t tell you much more. Kerry wouldn’t like it.”
Janus barely kept from gnashing his teeth in frustration. “But you’re certain he’s not out there somewhere right now, traipsing around with a fever? Or, worse, miscarrying in actuality this time?”
“He’s in good care.” Zeke’s lips tightened.
Janus stared at him. “Does that mean you’re certain he has no fever?”
Zeke seemed tense but refused to give in to Janus’s worry. “Not the last I saw him. Aside from being a bit sore, both in body and soul, it seems you’re right. There’s been no real damage done.”
Janus harrumphed but didn’t ask anything more. He found his tongue harder to hold when his egoistic plans to gift Kerry with the floral boughs and his version of Caleb’s unconditional grace had gone awry due to the recipient’s unexpected and ill-advised absence. Plus, he wasn’t at all certain that Kerry’s mental health didn’t warrant a suicide watch, much less a watch for other abortifacient behavior.
“He’ll be home in the morning,” Zeke reassured him with another pat. “I was promised that by one who has every reason to earn my trust right now. Don’t worry.”
“Morning?”
“Yes.” Zeke took a bite of his potatoes but didn’t seem to enjoy them much. “By the way, tomorrow being Saturday and wolf-god’s regular day of rest, I assume Doc has given you the day off?”
Janus nodded.
