Page 35 of Bitter Heat
Dr. Crescent grumbled even more, and Fan batted his lashes. It was almost ridiculous, but Janus held back his laughter.
Dr. Crescent rolled his eyes at his omega’s machinations, but it didn’t take more than another small smile and whispered “please” before Crow was reaching for a hat and shoving Fan’s stack of letters into his deep coat pocket. He turned to Janus just as he was about to stalk off toward the horses, and asked, “Don’t s’pose you’ve got anything you wanna send in the post, do ya?”
“As a matter of fact,” Janus said, “I do.” He reached around for the satchel bag he carried with him between Dr. Crescent’s place and Monk’s House, and pulled out the two missives he’d written to Caleb—having wavered in uncertainty for days about whether or not he should send them—along with the letter to his uncle he’d drafted that first day. “Would you mind?”
Dr. Crescent shoved Janus’s letters in beside Fan’s, and then kissed his omega soundly, before climbing up on his favorite mare, Jenny Blue Bells, and leaving the clearing. There was a moment of silence, and then Fan turned to Janus with curious eyes. “How is Kerry doing these last few days?”
Janus washed his hands in the hot water kept over the fire, and then began to put the stable area to rights so that he could call it a day. “He was still in bed when I left at dawn.” He gave Fan a long, appraising look. “He didn’t lose the babe if that’s the information you’re after.”
Fan’s lips pressed together in a taut line, and he leaned against a support beam, frowning at the dirt floor of the stable. Then he suddenly kicked at it hard with the heel of his boot. After a brief moment where he visibly gathered himself, he smoothed his soft-looking black hair away from his forehead and let out a long, sad sigh. “I see.”
Janus lifted a brow and went on, “He cramped for hours, bled a lot, passed out, and caused a lot of trouble for his pater and me. But the child clung to its chance at life.”
Fan nodded slowly, his expression one of tense neutrality. “He could still lose it.”
“Yes, any omega can miscarry at any time. But I think, with regard to the tablets you gave him, the danger is past.”
Fan groaned and rubbed at his face, leaning back against the support beam. “Damn.”
Janus’s irritation flared. Who did this omega think he was, messing with wolf-god’s work? “Why would you help him do such a thing? Or any omega? It’s not as if his life were at stake!”
Fan straightened up and finally met Janus’s gaze. He stepped toward him slowly, with measured, even steps. He removed the tools Janus was cleaning from his grip and set them aside, then he took hold of Janus’s chin and pinched hard.
Janus tried to pull away, but Fan was surprisingly strong.
“Listen carefully to what I say, young alpha. You don’t get to ask that question. It’s not up to me, or even Kerry, to offer you the ‘right explanation’ to excuse his actions, and it’s not your place to demand it of either of us.”
“It was wrong.”
“By whose definition?”
“Well, the law’s for one!”
Fan cocked his head. “Have you never broken the law?”
Janus stared into Fan’s dark eyes and gritted his teeth. Of course, he had broken laws, both secular and holy, and for ridiculous reasons. But this was life and death, not a dalliance with a contracted omega, not a joyride in a car that wasn’t his own, and not a wrestling match held outside of the clubs for profit and fun. This waslife,for wolf-god’s sake. “It’s hardly the same thing.”
“Oh, so you’re the judge now, are you?” Fan smirked. “Judge, prosecutor, and jury all in one? Interesting, and here I thought you weren’t even a doctor. Just a nurse without the full credentials there, either.” His dark eyes were cruel with rage, and he clenched Janus’s chin so hard it hurt. “Amazing how you suddenly know more than Kerry or I do about what’s right and wrong, and what, exactly, constitutes a life being at stake.”
“I never said that.” Janus jerked his chin free of Fan’s grasp. “I just wanted to understand.”
Fan’s thin black brows jumped to his hairline. “Here’s whatyouneed to understand: no one everunderstands.” He spit out the word like poison. “Not me. Not you. Not his pater. Not his alpha, locked up in prison where he belongs. Not Crow. Not even another omega who made the same choice as him.No onetruly understands, darling, and that’s what makes this such a bitter time for any man who’s tried it.” Fan shook his head, his dark eyes stabbing and sharp as he went on, “To have tried it andfailed? To have put his soul on the line, and not even have saved himself or the child from whatever fearful horror the future holds for them? I can assure you the last thing Kerry needs right now—or ever—is inquiries, incriminations, and interrogations into hisreasons.”
Janus gaped at the small omega, so fierce in his fury. Speechless in the face of it, Janus turned back to washing the tools, taking especial care with the surgeon’s scalpel and the other sharp objects, like the needles.
“That’s right. Do your work and keep your mouth shut. Your job is to doctor him, not judge him. Or me, for that matter.” Fan put his hands on his hips, regarding Janus carefully. “But because I like you and Crow needs you, I’m going to say one more thing. Think, Janus Heelies. Atyourworst moment, what saved you?”
Janus blinked at him in confusion, not sure how Fan’s sharp focus had landed on him and his own past failures and pain.
“What gift did someone give you, Janus, when you faced the worst part of yourself?” Fan’s brows darted up again. “Or have you never had a good long look in the mirror?”
Janus gritted his teeth together. He’d had plenty of deathbed experiences to contemplate his past abuses of affection and trust. He’d seen how close he’d come to becoming a monster and he’d chosen another path. Who was Fan to question him now? He only had one man to prove anything to, one man to convince of his goodness! Caleb’s handsome face swam to the surface of Janus’s thoughts, his kind voice, and of course, his undeserved forgiveness.
Janus swallowed hard, lifting his gaze to Fan’s.
“Ah, yes. That moment. Right there. Considerthatfor a good long while before you go home tonight,” Fan went on. “Ask yourself: can you give that kind of gift to Kerry? Wouldn’tthatbe a better balm than requiring him to make you understand the unfathomable?”
Fan turned on his heel to stomp back up to the house with his little back held ramrod straight. Janus watched him go, mind whirling, and when he could finally breathe right again, he finished tidying up. He was tired and hungry. He wished he didn’t have such a long walk back to the boarding house before he could enjoy whatever supper Zeke had prepared for him that night. And it would be awkward seeing Kerry at the table again after all that had transpired between them.
