Page 63 of Bitter Heat
Kerry tilted his head, clearly wanting to know more about Caleb’s disclosure, but Janus had never broken his promise to keep Caleb’s confidence in that matter. At least, so far as he recalled. He might have said hurtful things in a drunken state on more than one occasion. It shamed him to consider the likelihood of it.
“He hit me once,” Janus said, rubbing his jaw.
Kerry gasped. “And you still like him?”
“I deserved it. He hit me for coming on to him and insulting Xan. My cousin. Caleb’s alpha. He hit me for being an ass.”
“No one deserves to be hit.”
“Oh, sweetheart, you certainly could never deserve it, but I sure as wolf-god’s own hell did.” Janus sighed. “I wasn’t a good man. I’ve resolved to be better. Caleb inspired me. After he forgave me, he told me I could be a good man if I just put some effort into it. For whatever reason, I believed him.” Janus laughed helplessly. “I’d say it was going well, but I find myself having another affair with a contracted omega, so…”
Kerry squeezed his fingers.
Janus squeezed them back. “This affair, though, feels the furthest thing from wrong. Nothing like the contracted men I’ve been with in the past. Or what I did to Caleb.”
Kerry ducked his head. “It sounds like you still have regrets.”
“For my behavior and for hurting him, yes. For the years of being an arrogant fool, yes. But I don’t yearn for him anymore. I want to be his friend now. Nothing else.” Kerry didn’t look up, and his posture indicated that he didn’t believe Janus. That wouldn’t do. “My heart has moved on to someone else.”
“If you mean me, then you’re still an arrogant fool—not reformed at all,” Kerry muttered bitterly. “Caring for me is meaningless. My life is set in a different direction. The law will uphold Wilbet’s right to me, so long as he lives.” He tugged his hand away. “If you harbor any designs on me aside from a self-described ‘affair with a contracted omega,’ then you’re holding on to yet another self-destructive, and frankly pathetic, dream. Just as pathetic as whatever it is you wanted from this Caleb man that he wouldn’t give you.” Kerry huffed. “In fact, if you can go back to caring for him, perhaps you should. Despite his contract with your cousin, you’d still have a better chance of happiness with him than with me.”
“I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that,” Janus said. “I will always love Caleb as a dear friend and an inspiration—as a reminder of what selfishness lies within me. But I also believe that self-same selfishness might do some good in this situation with you instead of only bad. I’m unwilling to say that we can’t have more than a dalliance, Kerry. Unless that’s truly all you want?”
“I’m not allowed to want things, Janus.”
“You’re allowed to want me,” he whispered. “You don’t have to promise anything. There may be no future in it, as you insist, but there’s no man on earth who can force younotto want me. Laws may dictate certain things about your life, but they can’t control your heart.” He took Kerry’s hand in his own and pressed it to his chest so Kerry could feel the steadiness of his heartbeat. “You’re allowed to want me. And I’m allowed to want you back.”
“Acting on it, though, is…”
“Nota hangable offense,” Janus reminded him. “And we already know you’re willing to commit an actual hangable offense for a chance at a better life. Isn’t what’s happening between us better than what went before?”
“And when I give birth to another alpha’s child,” Kerry spat out, motioning at his stomach. “And when I’m forced to spend my next heat with him, per the law and my in-laws’ demands? And when I give birth to yet another of his children, and another, andanotherfor the rest of my childbearing days, you’ll feel how? Satisfied? In love with our life together?” Kerry snorted. “I think not.”
“Are we talking about a future now? That’s an improvement,” Janus said, slipping his fingers up Kerry’s neck to touch his cheek again. Kerry pulled away. “A few minutes ago, according to you, we were nothing to each other. Now we’re talking about the coming years and how I will handle these violations of your—”
“Stop. I shouldn’t have put it that way. You’re twisting things around. I’m not saying I want a future with you. I’m saying that we can’t have any future. It’s different.”
“We both know what you said,” Janus replied. “But the future is hazy. We have only begun to fight this together. You aren’t alone against the Monhundys anymore. I refuse to believe that your future is as hopeless as you think. Omega freedom—”
Kerry cut him off. “Janus, omega freedom groups can’t help me.” He stood up and resumed pacing in front of the sofa again. “You and Pater! You’re both so frustrating! Insisting there’s hope when there isn’t any at all. I can’t bear it. I won’t. Youcan’tmake me hope. I refuse to hope.” Kerry stopped in front of him, eyes wide and hands out in a pleading gesture. “Can’t we just fuck each other until the baby comes and be satisfied with that?”
“No, I don’t think we can,” Janus said quietly.
Kerry froze. “Why not?”
“Because you wanted to know who Caleb was and whether I was in love with him. We’re already beyond fucking and being satisfied with that, sweetheart, and we’re only a few weeks in.”
“Then we should stop,” Kerry gritted out. “It’s too complicated already.”
Janus rose to touch Kerry’s cheek, then he slipped his hand into Kerry’s hair and took a handful into a strong grasp. He pulled Kerry toward him, pressing their foreheads together. Kerry’s eyes stayed closed, but his panting breath rushed over Janus’s lips, and the scent of slick rose between them. Janus didn’t move, just held Kerry in place and breathed in the odor of him, the child within, the slick and sweetness of his breath.
Finally, Kerry broke, ducking in to press his lips to Janus’s, kissing him desperately. Janus herded Kerry toward the hallway and the stairs up to their rooms. Kerry paused and looked over his shoulder toward the makeshift crib. “Will Ellis be all right?” he whispered, his breath shaky and his hands clenching in Janus’s collar.
“He’ll be fine,” Janus said gruffly. “If he wakes, he’ll cry, and we’ll hear him.”
Kerry kissed Janus again, his tongue delving into his mouth and his teeth nipping Janus’s lips. His hips canted forward, his hard cock digging into Janus’s leg, and the scent of his slick rising stronger and stronger, making the need to strip him out of his clothes all that much greater before his pants became soaked.
Berries and musk, sweet milk, slick, and saliva. Janus reveled in it, lost to whatever discussion they’d been having before, aching to get Kerry on his bed, so that he could pleasure him for as long as it took to make the man understand that they weren’t nothing to each other. They never had been and couldn’t be.
