Page 70 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“With those eyes? Who could miss you?”
“It’s surprisingly easy to not be noticed. People want tofocus on themselves. I’d let them. It kept people from focusing on how I didn’thave a girlfriend, or how I wasn’t really feeling the spirit at church, or howI was gay as Christmas morning.”
“I understand. I did my own hiding by being so damn out thatno one could really see how scared I was underneath.”
“When I started performing, I was basically screaming, ‘Lookat me! See me! I’m special too!’ I swear to God, Jesse, until you, I didn’tthink anyone really ever would see it. But somehow it seems like you do.”
“I did the first time I saw you singing.”
Christopher laughed gently, almost like there were tearssomewhere deep behind it. “I know. I actually believe you now. Seeing you onyour knees by the piano the other night—the look on your face, and the way youkissed me after. I believe you.”
Jesse’s chest ached. “You do something to me, ChristopherRyder.”
“Yeah, well, you do something to me right back.”
The clouds had parted, and the golden-pink of sunsetreflected in Christopher’s eyes and on his pale skin, lighting him with thesame glow that Jesse had always seen in him onstage. They gazed at each other,the whatever-it-was growing between them seeming to shimmer and dance on theedge of Jesse’s vision.
“But Brigid comes first. And Will. I want to make whatevermight happen between us easier for them. Especially for her. If we can’t find away to do that, I understand that means not seeing you anymore. Like I said, I’msecond choice here. Ihaveto be. I get that. It’sokay.”
“No. It doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want youfeeling that way.” It made Jesse’s throat tight to think of it.
Christopher put up his hand. “And I’ve never really been ina real relationship before either. You should know that too.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It might.” Suddenly he flushed. “I mean, uh, if that’s whatwe’re heading toward. A real relationship?”
Jesse stared at him, the soft lines of his body, the way hislight stubble sparkled in the setting sun, and the absolute sincerity in hisface. “I hope it is. And you’ve seriously got self-worth issues, you know that?”
Christopher laughed. “I came by them honestly.”
“Didn’t we all?”
“Yeah.” Then Christopher frowned. “But I don’t want that forWill and Brigid. I want them to know they’re awesome and never doubt it.”
Jesse’s chest bloomed with warmth. “I wish it was possiblefor them to never doubt. To never hurt.” He touched Christopher’s cheek again. “Butit’s amazing how much pain you can take and keep on living. Even manage to findsomething to live for. Not that I want to test it again. I think I learned thatlesson well enough the first time around.”
Christopher looked like he might cry for him, and Jesserubbed his thumb along Christopher’s lower lip. “Let’s not be so morbid now.”He pressed their lips together softly. “Let’s eat and enjoy the sunset.”
But Jesse kissed him again, and again, and maybe the foodcould wait a little while longer.
Content and full, Christopher leaned against the vasttree trunk. Jesse’s head was in his lap, and Christopher carded through hishair, both of them watching as the stars blinked above the mountains.
“So, you know why I sing. Tell me about jewelry. How did youget into designing it?”
“My mom and I have always had a kind of fraughtrelationship.”
“Something we have in common,” Christopher murmured.
“But one thing we always agreed on was jewelry. She wasquite the collector and I loved how shiny and beautiful the pieces were. Istarted making my own when I was sixteen. All clumsy, awful stuff. I took someclasses at Arrowmont and made the usual chunky beginners pieces and was prettyproud of them. It helped that they were in vogue back then.”
“My mom always wore really sparkly things,” Christophersaid. “I mean, before my folks’ marriage fell apart. Once we joined ChristLight she stopped wearing jewelry at all, except for her wedding band. It wasdevil’s lure or something like that. I just remember she was never as beautifulafter my dad’s affair came out. It snuffed a light out in her and Jesus hasn’tbrought it back.”
Jesse grabbed hold of Christopher’s hand and kissed theknuckles. “My folks didn’t divorce, but they weren’t ever happy.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get us off track. Tell me moreabout how you realized you loved making jewelry.”
“Well, that was the beginning. It helped that my momapproved greatly and it drove my dad nuts. Then when it was time for me tograduate high school I realized I didn’t want to go to traditional college.There was a fantastic program in London and my dad was pretty eager to see theass end of me for a while by that point. I’d embarrassed him pretty badly duringmy high school years.”
