Page 67 of Vespertine
Jasper tugged his hand free and carried on. He let hisfingers roam the tattoo on Nicky’s right arm, a beautiful sleeve made up ofblue cornflowers and forget-me-nots. Then he moved on to Nicky’s other arm, andfound resistance for the first time. “What is it?”
“That one…has the worst scarring.”
“Show me.”
“Jazz…”
“What did you say earlier about the importance of touch bypeople who care for you?” Gently unfolding Nicky’s arm, Jasper rubbed his thumbover the uneven skin in Nicky’s elbow crease. It felt bumpy. Jasper lowered hishead and pressed a soft kiss to the scars. Scent memory triggered a bunch ofimages to surface, all moments like this one, where they’d been close and alonewith all the time in the world for nothing but each other. Slowly he shiftedhis grip and trailed his hand down until he found the faint traces on Nicky’sinner wrist. He kissed those too.
Nicky gripped his hand before he could let go. “What are youdoing?”
Jasper shook his head. He didn’t know. “Are there any more?”
Nicky hesitated, scratching his eyebrow with his thumb. Hetook a shuddering breath and nodded. Keeping his balance with one hand onJasper’s shoulder, Nicky toed off his sneakers and bent down to take off hissocks. The tops of his slender feet each had a tattoo on them. The left one hadan abstract black drawing of a fox with little blue wings and a halo, and theright had a happy sleeping fox, lying on its side with a little red heartcradled in its paws. Jasper dropped to his knees and gently stroked his palmsfrom Nicky’s ankles all the way to his toes.
“Is that it?” he whispered, and his breath caught when Nickyshoved his thumbs in his shorts and pulled them down so they pooled around hisankles. His hands shook visibly and he touched Jasper’s cheek, shuddering.
“There’s this one.”
He looked thin and fragile in his black boxer-briefs and atfirst Jasper didn’t see it, until he noticed a little pink heart-shaped balloonpeeking out from underneath the elastic band.
Laughing hoarsely he sat on his heels. He reached out butpulled his hand back at the last second. “Show me.”
Nicky pulled the boxer-briefs down enough to show a tinyelephant, smiling up at the balloon clutched in its little trunk. Its cheekswere pink and its eyes were sweetly closed.
“It’s ridiculous, compared to the rest,” Nicky said.
“I knew.” Jasper reached out and touched the elephant’s ear.“I always knew you were a gentle soul deep down, Nicky.” Jasper took Nicky’shands in his. The calluses on his guitar-hardened fingertips caught Jasper’sskin. He pressed his forehead to Nicky’s knuckles. The rug underneath his kneeswas coarse.
“Is it my fault? The drugs…the hesitation marks? Did I dothat to you, Nicky?”
Nicky swallowed hard and shook his head, shame shadowing hisfeatures. “I did it to myself.” He pulled his hands free of Jasper’s tendergrasp. “Can I put some clothes on now? I’m feeling kind of vulnerable here.”
“Of course you can. I’m sorry I—” Jasper let go. “Nicky, I—”
“No.” Nicky tried to tug his hands free but Jasper held on. “Don’tyou dare say you’re sorry.”
“I have a confession to make,” Jasper whispered. He liftedhis head. Nicky looked ready to bolt. So Jasper spread his hands insupplication and held his gaze. “My mother knows.”
Nicky paled. “What? She…what does she know?”
“About you and me. I told her that summer. When I wasgrounded. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t string two words together fordays and in the end she sat me down and made me tell her. I’m pretty sure shehad her suspicions.”
“So…” Nicky swallowed hard.
Their hands were clammy and the floorboards underneathJasper’s knees were hard and uncomfortable but he ignored it.
“Did she tell you that you couldn’t see me anymore? Is thatwhy…?”
“Ah, Nicky, no.” Jasper shook his head sadly and blinkedhard. “No, I almost wish…but no. What she did was, she told me all aboutteenage infatuations and puppy love and how everyone goes through somethinglike that when they’re young.” Nicky made a scoffing noise but Jasper pushedon. “And when I didn’t believe any of that, she told—she told me all aboutattachment disorders and how you couldn’t possibly feel the way I felt for you.”
“Jasper!”
His name reverberated through the room. When was the lasttime Nicky had called him that? He couldn’t remember. He heard the anguish andkept talking anyway. Now or never. “She was very kind about it. She held me forages when I cried my eyes out. You couldn’t feel the way I did. It wasn’tpossible for you and I couldn’t blame you. It had to do with your past and youradoption and how you were wired. It had nothing to do with me, and it reallywasn’t your fault. You were a sweet boy and maybe you believed you loved me,but as soon as we were apart for any length of time you’d move on a lot fasterthan I’d be able to. She explained all the signs and symptoms. She explained itto death until—”
“Until you believed her.”
“I didn’t at first.” He choked up. When he looked at Nicky’sface, it was so twisted he finally couldn’t go on anymore.
