Page 92 of Vespertine
Nicky’s hair was a fluffy mess after air-drying in the sun.Freckles had begun to pop up on his shoulders and Jasper wondered if he shouldeven be lying in the sun with those tattoos exposed. The muscles and bones ofhis back were visible under his skin. Jasper wanted to touch him so badly itwas like an itch he couldn’t reach.
Being careful that Nicky wouldn’t wake, Jasper stroked alock of hair away from where it brushed Nicky’s nose. He traced the angularcheekbones and the sharp line of Nicky’s jaw—the face Jasper used to knowbetter than his own mirror image.
Thewhat ifsdrifted to thesurface from a long-dormant place in his mind. Time was cruel in a way, becauseno matter what anyone wished, there was no way of knowing if turning back theclock would lead somewhere different, or if that place would be a better one.
A little puff of air parted Nicky’s lips, and Jasper wipedaway a few grains of sand sticking to his cheek. “I always loved you,” hewhispered. “I can’t even pretend I loved God more, back then. Every minute Ispend with you now I wonder if my calling wasn’t a coward’s path. If I shouldn’thave grabbed on to your hands and taken that dive with you. My doubts…” Jasperclosed his eyes and shook his head. Was his faith really only this strong? Didhe only hold fast as long as no real temptation lay before him? “What am I evensaying?”
You can love God and love Nicky at the same time.
He didn’t know where the thought came from but he sighedsoftly. It was too late now. They’d made their choices years ago. Hadn’t they?
Jasper opened his eyes, and Nicky was looking at him, eyeswide open. They reflected the deep and cloudless sky, and in them Jasper saw somuch raw emotion it made him ache inside. Nicky’s mouth opened but no soundcame out and Jasper couldn’t stand how helpless he looked. How vulnerable.
Jasper’s bottom lip trembled and he pressed his mouth closedhard to make it stop. His eyes burned with longing and in his chest hisheartbeat echoed like a warning drum. He couldn’t think beyond one thing, oneinstinct so strong he’d have less trouble suppressing the urge to breathe.
“Nicky…”
Nicky half lifted, shaking his head, but Jasper pushedagainst his shoulder and rolled him over, stared into those beautiful eyes thatwidened with trepidation.
He lowered himself down on top of Nicky, let himself feelevery single bone, every single angle and curve against his own, and then keptstaring as he kissed him.
The carefully constructed walls he’d built over years andyears of abstinence came crashing down.
Nicky drowsed in the late sun, moving between nearwakefulness and a dream of playing an acoustic Vespertine show in the smallfort to a massive crowd of roughhousing children. The kids in the dreamshimmied up trees, sang along, and rolled around on the forest floor. Ramona’sdrum-kit was child-sized and Nicky crouched on the floor of the fort, using hisguitar as a desk to write new lyrics on strips of paper. Somehow he was playingmusic at the same time, and so long as he kept feeding Sez new lyrics to sing,the guitar seemed to play itself. Mick wasn’t playing at all and no one cared.He danced on the stage with an out-of-control happiness that made Nicky laughas he pushed new lyrics into Sez’s hands.
A teenaged Jazz burst out of a clot of wrestling boys andclimbed on stage while Nicky was scribbling the next lines. “Nicky?” But Nickycouldn’t look up. He had to keep writing the new lyrics or the guitar wouldstop playing and Sez wouldn’t have anything to sing. But Jazz distracted him bysliding the tips of his fingers over his face, until Nicky looked up into hiswarm hazel-gaze. “I always loved you. I can’t even pretend I loved God more.”
Nicky’s heart clenched and he dropped the new lyrics ontothe floor of the fort, opening his eyes to the golden evening sun and thesparkle-snap of light on the waves in the cove. Jasper’s eyes were closed andhis lower lip trembled as he whispered, “What am I even saying?”
Nicky came fully awake, eyes going wide. A struggle filledhim, a lurch of joy, a horrible hope that forced a heart-thump of panic intohis throat.
“Nicky…”
Jasper leaned toward him, and Nicky half-lifted, shaking hishead. Jasper’s hand fell hot and insistent on his shoulder, pushing him ontohis back. The cloudless sky filled his view as his body pulsed with adrenaline,roaring in his veins, clarifying and intensifying every thought and sensation.Jasper’s body fell on his, and Nicky tensed, frozen between fight and flight.
No. We can’t do this. Fuck.
The words stayed locked in his mind, a desperate, angrycertainty filling him. This was going to happen and it was going to break him.Fuck Jasper and his beautiful face, and his earnest fucking want, and fuck theway doing this now was going destroy them when Jasper turned away again. Thehard push of Jasper’s erection and soft touch of his lips unlocked Nicky fromhis shock, and in a turmoil of lust and rage, he returned Jasper’s kissferociously.
He’d heard Jasper talking while Jasper thought he wasasleep, and now the words echoed in his mind.
“I always loved you. I can’t evenpretend I loved God more.”
“I told you if you tried this again, I wouldn’t fuckingstop,” Nicky hissed against Jasper’s lips. He lifted his legs and wrapped themaround Jasper’s waist, grinding up against his hard cock shoving down to meethim.
“I know, Nicky.” Jasper whispered, kissing him again before buryinghis face in Nicky’s neck, mouthing desperately like he was starving for thetaste of Nicky’s skin. “Oh. I don’t want you to stop.”
“I mean it, Jasper.”
Jazz nuzzled his hair and sucked his earlobe, then saidbrokenly, “So do I.”
Nicky slid his legs higher, and Jasper groaned and shuddered,digging his cock down against Nicky’s with hard, helpless thrusts. Screaming,heartbreaking adrenaline coursed through Nicky, and he pushed his hands downJasper’s sun-warm back, pressing angry, rough kisses against his shoulders.
Jasper gripped Nicky’s face, holding him with shaking fingersas he kissed his mouth again. Nicky grunted, nipping at Jasper’s mouth as hedragged his fingers over Jasper’s skin. He dug his heels into Jasper’s upperthighs as they thrust against each other. Nicky wanted to bite him, wanted topound his fists on his back and scream, because his soul was ripping open andhe was going to die here on this island when Jasper pulled away.
“Nicky,” Jasper whispered, easing back and searching hiseyes, lips red and trembling. His face was soft, shocked, and open, and somethinginside Nicky’s heart, a sharp seed of hope, hurt so much that he couldn’t holdback a sob. Then they were kissing again, and Nicky’s anger and fear bled intoneed.
He groaned and gripped, shoving his hands down into Jasper’stighty-whities to grab his ass, forcing Jasper down against him harder. Jasper’seyes slipped closed and he threw his head back, riding against Nickydesperately, the ridge of his cock nearly painful against Nicky’s own. Fuck it.He’d never been one to turn away from a bad idea. He pried Jasper’s ass cheeksapart to press his fingers into Jasper’s crack.
