Page 103 of The Tsar's Obsession
Mia didn’t push the subject anymore, but the next day, we set off to visit my painful past. In the helicopter, we traveled in silence over the vast distance. Mia was mesmerized by the sheer size and beauty of my motherland. Lush forests and clear lakes and rivers were meshed like a mosaic with small towns and villages peppered throughout.
How many hungry and determined boys wandered this land?Another Kirill Alekseev was on the rise somewhere below; I understood that very clearly.
Half abandoned, the village was a mix of dead and new. Old broken houses stood beside new summer vacation builds. After all this time, it all looked the same, just a bit more overgrown than I remembered.
It only took a few minutes to locate my childhood home—the place of sadness and despair. Life wasn’t fair. Life proved that again and again. The house was long abandoned; only ruins remained, and trees rose up from the collapsed roof.
Planted to the ground, I stood and stared, thinking back to my awful and unhappy childhood and how it probably shaped me into the man I was today. The bruises from my father’s hands had long healed, but the emotional pain remained a scar on my heart.
He was uncontrollable. Violent and uncaring, his drinking overpowered our entire life, and even though he had moments of clarity where he visibly regretted it, his addiction was stronger than him. Stronger than all of us.
“Is this it, baby?” Mia asked quietly, afraid to disturb.
I left an angry boy, and I harnessed that rage into a powerful force. I craved risk and danger. Revenge, even. I squeezed Mia’s hand tighter, her presence keeping me grounded in reality. I always wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t like him, that I would never succumb to his poison. I would make something of myself. I would be powerful and free to do as I pleased. I would be in control.
And I succeeded; I had the world at my fingertips. But the hurt he caused all of us never disappeared. He took away the only love I ever knew.Robbedme. My mother wasn’t simply beautiful; she was an angel. I felt her love; she implanted it inside me. She always protected and defended me until one day I had no one to rely on. So I found the strength within.
My memories of her were so clear and bright. We used to sit in our garden and eat fresh strawberries while she told me about the kind of man I would be when I grew up; smart, respectful, happy,with a kind and beautiful wife and many children. The time I had with her was shamefully short, but her impact kept me from sliding into complete darkness. I had forgotten her voice, but her radiant smile would forever be seared into my mind.
"Thank you for making me come here.” I pulled Mia in, needing to feel her embrace. “Let’s go to the most important place."
With Mia in my arms, I took long strides to the cemetery, the one place that mattered. Overgrown with last year’s tall grass and small trees, Orthodox crosses rose out of the ground, but I couldn’t recognize anything and had no idea where my mother’s grave was. The tall weeds at my waist, I swatted them away but was having no luck until Mia called me over; she found the tombstone right away.
No one had touched it for decades. On my knees and with trembling hands, I ripped the weeds out and cleaned the chipped paint off her name. Her name. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again. I stayed silent for a whole minute, but then I suddenly had the urge to tell Mia everything, never having had the chance to speak to anyone about it.
"You know, she always said to me that God is good. God will help if you ask.” I sat on my knees in front of my mother’s grave and thought back to her funeral. “When she died, for the longest time I hated church and God. How could God be good if he took her away from me? She lived such a hard life, and she didn't deserve what happened to her. She was a ray of sunshine. Just like you." I confessed all that was on my heart.
Mia didn’t interrupt, landing her soft hands on my shoulders. “One day, around when I first saw you, she came to me in a dream. She was smiling and walking through a field and said to me, 'Look up, Kirusha; you will miss the sunshine if you dig around in the dirt all the time.' And that's when I went to church for the first time. It was odd," I chuckled at the memories. "I definitely looked like I didn't belong there. Still the same, I think."
I vividly remembered all the church grandmas giving mevicious side-eye when I first stepped foot into a church as an adult. I looked rough and violent with a permanent scowl on my face, not exactly a man of God.
As time went on, God and church crept into my daily thoughts, but I could never leave the lifestyle. On the contrary, I only planted deeper roots within the criminal world. I’d confess and light a candle for my mom in the morning and late at night; I’d blow out brains or count my blood money.
"I haven't been here since I left, and that was a very long time ago.” Twenty-six years, to be exact. I rose to my feet and helped Mia place the bouquet of flowers that she prepared earlier. We stood there, in a hug, our little journey both painful and cleansing.
"Well, Mom, this is my woman. You were right; she’s kind and the most wonderful person to walk the earth." My chest filled up with the fresh air while I held on tightly to the love of my life, forbidding myself from descending into tears. After all the hell that I lived through, after all the sins that I took on, I found the sunshine once more.
43
Blaze
Mia
Blindedbythesparkle,my Grace Kelly-styled engagement ring overpowered my finger and caught my eye with every movement. It was impossible to miss, and Kirill knew that when he picked it out. There was no more matrix; nothing was predictable and expected anymore. A year ago, I lived in a web, mindlessly walking the same paths over and over again, and now, life flowed more like a river, which I navigated freely.
Wow, who was I? Was I losing myself? Finding myself? Building myself.
Kirill’s proposal was both unexpected and a memory I’d never forget. Him kneeling on one knee, his tattooed chest a dark background to the biggest and brightest diamond I didn’t even know existed. At the same time, it made perfect sense to have that kind of rock on my finger if the man who gave it to me was the Tsar of the Russian Bratva.
Although it was done in the privacy of our bedroom, it all felt over the top, much like the rest of Kirill’s actions. I was scared to imagine what the proposal would have looked like if he had done what he planned.
Joy was pouring out of me. My love and dedication to him were unquestionable, even if I hadn’t given marriage muchthought. It didn’t feel daunting, it didn’t feel suffocating; with him, it all felt right.
We landed in Russia, and Kirill's facial expression and body language had changed almost noticeably. His eyebrows furrowed, jaw clenched, and a scowl on his face, he looked angrier and tougher than he did in New York. I noticed but said nothing.
I was an image of a princess, and he a beast, and I delighted in seeing how different we looked together. Ready to kill any man who glanced at me wrong, Kirill looked bigger and almost ruthless, and I fuckingbathedin that feeling of protection. I knew that I only needed to point my finger at what I wanted, and he would provide it.
Kirill was the definition of if he wanted to, he would. And he wanted me, more than anything. I knew that, and I loved it, and I’d never take it for granted.
