Page 36 of The Tsar's Obsession
All my doubts about him and whatever was happening between us melted into nothing. I was only left with a burning sensation everywhere. Dark, quiet, secret, private—we both dove into the moment. He leaned in and pushed me back, taking more, wanting everything. My tongue in his mouth, I claimed him too, like my fucking life depended on satisfying this deep and dark desire.
Everything. I wanted everything too.
He tasted like danger, like something I wanted to drown in, suffocate in. Burn in. His eyes and his touch scorched my skin and awakened the devil inside me.
Breaking the kiss only slightly, I spoke in between the sweet sensation of his lips on mine. "Take me home…” For courage, I shut my eyes and dropped my whisper even lower. "And spend the night with me. Just one night."
If it was possible to have a heart attack and remain living, surely I was in the middle of one. Every single fiber of me screamed for him. For his touch and love. Even if it was for just one night.
"No."
I stilled and tried to understand his response. No? He was saying no...to me?
His grip on my thighs tighter than ever, I tried to pull back, but he didn't let me go far. Pain and lust swirled in his gaze, mirroring my own internal turmoil. "One night won’t be enough. Not one night. I want everything. All of you.”
My lungs worked overtime to keep up with my racing heartbeat, the smell of his skin poisoning my mind and thoughts.
"Just one night," I reiterated with my eyes closed, not having any guts to face him. I nodded, as if reassuring myself. “Just one night.”
She who dares, wins. And I dared.
The ride to his house passed in a blur of city lights and silence, my thoughts louder than any words we could have spoken. Reality took a backseat to the sin and fantasy I was about to indulge in, and when he pulled me into his lap, in the back ofhiscar, withhisdriver, I simply followed.
The door to his apartment clicked shut behind us, leaving all that logical world behind. His home was dark and quiet, every step echoing softly against polished floors as he led me deeper inside.He didn’t live in the same building that he bought his new apartment in. I knew that, deep down, I knew that he lied when we first met.
His eyes on mine, he walked back into his bedroom, and I followed, my hands in his. I’d never had a one-night stand. I didn’t know how this worked.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, in his lap, I spoke barely above a whisper. “I have a few rules."
"Rules? You want to play a game? With me?" Amusement flashed in his eyes, and he listened as if he was ready to indulge me.
If I set the rules, if there were some constraints, it wouldn't hurt, I thought. It wasn’t real.
"Mhm," I confirmed, my lips on his neck, his hands on my hips. "First, you'll wear a condom." That seemed pretty reasonable, I kept assuring myself, even though I wanted it fucking rough, raw, and dirty. "Second, no kissing on the lips while we fuck." At this, his eyebrows slightly shot up in surprise, considering our lips were playing tug-of-war at that very moment. "I won't stay the night, and you won't call me tomorrow." I was in control, yes, I believed it. "And the last one is very important; this can't happen again. Just one night."
Yes, this was reasonable, I thought. This was for the best. I had him right where I wanted him, I lied to myself.
"Yeah?" Kirill asked as if thinking it over. "Are you sure about them all?" He double-checked, visibly enjoying me on his lap. I nodded confidently, half able to catch my breath. "I have to break one right away. I don't have a condom at home. And I don’t want to use one,” he informed me, and plunged me into chaos in my head once more.
"How is that possible? You're a man who lives alone. How can you not have a condom?" This wasn't exactly the conversation I was anticipating, but now that we were in it, there was no backing down. Kirill chuckled, his confidence and serenity only stirring my anxiety.
"I've been celibate for four years." His large fingers traced my shoulder once more, tugging down the strap of my dress. "So if you're on birth control, you have nothing to worry about." My head was spinning, both from the information he just revealed and the desire that was physically breaking me down. Never had I experienced such a need for anyone or anything.
There was this thing, this energy, thisentitybetween us. Invisible, but it couldn’t be severed with a machete.
"Why–” but I cut myself off, not wanting to sink any deeper into the enigma that was this man and find out why he hadn't had sex infouryears. "You will respect all the other rules?" I blurted out the question in a last-ditch effort to help myself walk away.
Reluctantly, he nodded, visibly unsatisfied with the rules. "Why can't I kiss you?" His eyes settled on my lips, like they were forbidden fruit and he was starving. "Why can't I call you? Why won't you stay? Why are you so afraid of this?"
No, I wasn't going to be honest with him or myself. I just needed this; it was just physical, and he was just hot. I just needed to get in bed with a man after I spent the last two years in the no-fuck zone.
I just had to break the spell.
"I don't want to think, Kirill." My eyes were shut, my body begging to live out its destiny. "I just want to feel." All of me was bursting with anticipation, my lips instinctively finding the warm skin of his neck.
If I kissed him on the lips while he was inside me, if I admitted that this was anything more than physical, I would die. I was sure I wouldn't be able to survive it. "Just fuck me," I pleaded with myeyes closed, feeling his fingers dig into my waist. "Just make me forget my name.” I breathed him in, intertwining my fingers with his. "Make me forget everything. Just for one night." I reassured myself before falling off a cliff.
I was lost. His energy, his smell, his power—it was all too much.
