Page 70 of The Tsar's Obsession
I’d never been one who couldn’t uphold a conversation, but with him I was at a total loss for words.
“It was an accident that you showed up at that club all those years ago. It was an accident he saw you. You would have never crossed paths otherwise." Dmitry leaned in slightly, adding his last bitter message, "But since you chose to be together, be prepared for anything. Chaos. That's his life."
Like an itch in the back of my brain, Dmitry’s words swirled inside my mind as I lay in our soft bed after the evening ended, Kirill’s sleeping body so warm beneath my cheek. City lights peacefully twinkled outside the window while I went over everything I heard thatevening.
Chaos. That’s his life.
But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Life with Kirill was uplifting—joyous, peaceful, alluring. He gave me everything I ever wanted.Hewas everything I’d ever dreamed of and refused to admit in the past.
But a tiny seed of doubt hid in a small corner of my heart during my little musings in our dark bedroom. Maybe I just didn’t know. Maybe there were many, many things I just didn’t know. And I was happy to remain in the dark.
31
Did he tell you everything?
Mia
“I’mtellingyou;Carlyand Ari are like a real thing now!” Viv filled me in on the details as we braved the snowy sidewalk. The delicate winter blanket was on the verge of melting, and I convinced her to meet for lunch to get a glimpse of the first really cold day. “Also, please, for the love of God, don’t make me walk next time, Mia,” she huffed, and I giggled at how unprepared she was for the snow. “You’re all about adventure and risk now, and I love that for you, but just Uber it next time.”
I wasn’t all about adventure and risk. I just tookarisk. One time. One risk—that one night with Kirill, and it turned out to be a life-changing one.
While Viv updated me on all the events of Carly and Ari’s relationship over lunch, my phone buzzed incessantly with texts from that one man, that one risk.
Kirill: Svet moy, you’ve been so busy at work, I barely see you.
That wasn’t true; we spent the whole weekend together, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.
Mia: That’s only because you show up at home at 3am. Join me in bed earlier tonight?
Kirill:I’ll pick you up from work at 5. Tell Viv I said hi.
How he knew I was with Viv, I had no idea. I hated that I loved his stalkerish tendencies.
Mia: Stalker
Kirill: Yuri’s waving hello somewhere.
"Hey, so does Kirill have, like, a hot murderer brother? For me, you know. I want to live the indulgent life you lead too.” Viv’s eyes shone like the oversized diamond studs she wore in her ears. She eyed me putting my phone away, no doubt criticizing my unhealthy attachment to this man.
I chuckled, knowing the full extent of Kirill’s lifestyle while Viv remained living in blissful ignorance. “It’s not all that easy. Relationships are work, you know that.” That was a blatant lie. For the first time ever, this relationship felt like a walk in the park. Itwaseasy. Effortless, uncomplicated, safe, indulgent—everything one would ever want.
"What? It's hard to hop on that big dick at the end of the day, or difficult to have him wine and dine you?" Viv had zero filter, now speaking loud enough for the table next to us to hear. “But seriously. Ask Kirill if he can set me up with what I like: rich, hot, well-endowed, not boring, great at eating pus—”
“Okay, okay! I’ll ask, Jesus! Send me a list of your requests.” Viv and I laughed at her dedication to her list of requests, which I was well aware of. She always seemed to find fault in the men she dated, and usually it was in thebedroom department.
“I just can’t do the long haul if there’s no passion and it’s boring between the sheets!” The loud ding of the lunch crowd was no match for her energy. “Even if he’s everything God intended, if he can’t fuck properly, then what’s the point in keeping him around? But it’s usually the ones who fuck well that ghost you later, ugh!” She stabbed her salad with her fork, sending all her frustrations into the motion.
She wasn’t lying. Viv had a few guys completely disappear on her after the best sex of her life. After that, she vowed to never ‘catch feelings,’ as she phrased it, and instead, spent her days ghosting anyone who didn’t meetallher expectations.
“I think you’ve taken enough sins onto your conscience with how you treat the men you date. How many of them are moping around you right now?” I pointed my knife at her, making sure she couldn’t escape answering.
With a small shrug and no ounce of shame, she admitted, “A few. None are long-term material. Not everyone meets their soulmate on a drunk night out and falls madly in love ten years later. Some of us live in the real world.”
And my real world caught up to me after the light lunch with my best friend. The real world I lived in showed up in the form of a manila envelope carefully placed on my desk during my absence.
Without thinking of what might be inside, I tore it open, still standing at my desk.
I should have sat down first.
