Page 72 of The Tsar's Obsession
I had seen it. I’d seen him kill a man. I knew what he was involved in; he had no mercy. None. What would stop him from raping a woman in the past?
He was good tome.But he was bad…to everyone else.
A thousand thoughts rushed into my head. What should I have done? Asked him if he’d ever raped a woman? Why would he tell me the truth?
Just like you.
Kirill loved me; he did. I knew it; I saw it…Ifeltit with everything inside me. He and I were meant to be!
So how could everything about him become questionable in one second? Did I really have any reason to believe this slander? My mind oscillated between complete disbelief and taking these words as gospel.
The winter wind howled outside, matching my foul and furious mood. No. No, I couldn’t believe these words. I loved Kirill, end of story.
But did that mean that everything he had done in the past didn’t matter? It did.
Who hid behind these dirty words? They had names, they had photos, and they knew details of our lives. Kirill called mesvet moyonly in private. I was sure of it.Sunshine, svet moy, baby.He was secretive and careful, never revealing details of our life together to anyone. So how could they have known?
The tears dried, but my teeth chattered. I couldn’t just come to him and demand an explanation, could I?
An image of Kirill raping a girl infiltrated my mind and I shut my eyes tight. “No, no, no,” I chanted to myself.
Nausea crept up my collarbone, disgust and regret mixing together to poison his image. I saw him in my mind, and he was all splashed in blood.
The Tsar.Did he tell you?
The afternoon slipped away, but I remained locked in my office. I dwelled on the words, dissected the photos, and cried enough times to push myself close to a mental breakdown.
Just as darkness settled outside my windows, the ring of my phone startled me, and I jumped, inexplicably afraid of my surroundings. Of course. It was him.
“Hi, Sunshine. I’m downstairs. Ready to go?” Kirill’s gentle voice came through the speaker while I clenched my teeth, furiously trying to push the scenes of rape out of my mind.
Thirty minutes later we sat in front of each other in a restaurant while the letter shone brightly in my mind, the words bouncing around like a ping-pong ball.
They all looked just like you.
My mouth parched, I couldn’t hold it inside anymore, and somewhere between courses I blurted out, "Kirill, tell me about your mother. What was she like?” I gulped, doing my utmost to keep it casual, as if I hadn’t been bawling the entire afternoon.
Kirill furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms. “My mother?" he questioned suspiciously.
"Yes.” I put every effort into toning it down and responded kindly, "We've been together for a while, and I don't really know anything about her, so…I wanted to know."
"She died when I was nine," Kirill answered and clearly wasn’t planning to continue this conversation, so I probed again. Cautiously.
"I'm sorry. How did she die?"
"Why are you suddenly asking me this?" Kirill didn’t like to discuss his past; I knew that. He had only shared snippets, and although diplomatic about it, he’d shut down all past conversations. What a trend.
"Ugh, Kirill, look.” I licked my lips, not knowing where to settle my gaze. “It's important to me.” My voice shook slightly. “I want toknow more about you and your past and childhood, but you never talk about it, and we never have time to discuss it, with all the work and the sex.”
My frustration was bubbling over.Of course, he didn’t want to discuss his past! It was all fitting in like a puzzle.
"Yes...the sex is good." Kirill was lost in happy thoughts, but then his expression quickly changed, and he turned somber and serious. With a deep sigh, he began a most heartbreaking and tragic story.
"My mother’s name was Irina. She…” He paused and looked right past me, as if searching his memory. “I loved her very much. She, ugh…one day she disappeared. Just…gone. She and my father went mushroom picking one day. He’d pick mushrooms and then sell them in the local town. To get money for another bottle,” Kirill scoffed bitterly. “But that one day, she didn’t come back. He did. He ran back in a panic, saying they got separated in the forest and he lost sight of her.”
Kirill paused and looked blankly at the table while I listened with bated breath. "We searched for days. The whole village. Everyone loved her; they couldn’t believe she was gone. We even got the police…dogs, everything.” He closed into himself further, gripping his crossed arms. “I– I really believed that she was just lost. That I’d find her, right behind a tree.” He inhaled sharply, pressing his lips together. "Waiting for me.”
The man in front of me was shedding all his commanding and dominant persona, lowering his voice with every word. “I spent days there—in the forest. From sunrise to sunset, I walked all day, calling for her, but we never found her. Not even a trace of her, nothing. It’s like she vanished into thin air.”
