Page 74 of The Tsar's Obsession
"No. The answer is no. I’ve never abused or raped a woman in my life or had any such thoughts or inclinations." I laid it all out, my voice sharp. But I wanted the truth from her too. "Why are you asking?"
I still hadn’t moved since I walked in, my coat half hanging off my shoulder, as if frozen in time and stuck in this hell of a conversation.
Defeated, Mia approached the couch and slumped down on it with a loud sigh, still wearing her coat. But then her head fell into her hands, and her entire body shuddered with a loud sob, echoing in the dark, silent apartment.
I hesitated, not knowing what to do. That feeling came back again, like I was lost beside her. In the time we’d been together, I hadn’t seen her cry like that. We’d never even argued over anything.
Slowly, I made my way to her, afraid she would reject me if I came across too forcefully. I moved the coffee table out of the way and got on my knees in front of her, pulling her to the floor and into my arms.
Her sobs were tearing me apart. I just wanted to holdher, to destroy all her doubts, to alleviate all her pain. Whatever it was, I would take it on and deal with it.
Unsure of her own movements, Mia’s sobs died down, and she lowered her hands, revealing her red and puffy eyes, her face despondent and in anguish.
“Baby…” I wiped her hot tears. “Tell me, what is it? What’s on your mind and heart?” Instead of an answer, Mia looked away. “Whatever it is, we will work through it. I promise, Sunshine, no matter what it is. Just don’t keep me in the dark."
Mia shuffled out of my arms and leaned against the couch. I didn’t pull her back to me, afraid of scaring her off. Instead, I waited for an answer, but Mia remained silent for a long time. Her eyes bounced around our shared apartment, landing on everything but me until she finally conceded.
"I can't tell you. I can't tell you why I ask. I just need to know. I can't be with you if you've done that in the past. I don't know why, but this is where I draw the line. Even killing, to me, is not as bad as raping someone." And as she said the last two words, she burst into tears again.
I was stunned. Why,whywas she overcome with these thoughts today? What could have possibly happened to bring her to this state?! I ransacked my brain while Mia sniffled and cried in front of me, but suddenly, her anguish fully halted, and her next question came with renewed energy.
“Have you ever been with a woman who looked like me?”
This was a no-brainer. I didn’t even have to think about it and hurried my answer, desperate to know more details and engage her in conversation. "Not after I met you. I've only been with women who were your total opposites. I never wanted to be with anyone who looked similar to you because…because I didn't want to ruin your image in my mind."
Various scenarios and thoughts were swirling in my head, but none of them made sense or could explain Mia’s sudden and twisted change in behavior. I held my breath and waited for her todo something with this information, but she only posed another question. “Are you telling me the truth?"
I was shocked to the bottom of my soul to see her absolutely overcome with such profound doubts about me and in full-on interrogation mode. Dying to find out what could have possibly caused her to become like this, I spoke carefully, knowing that she could shut down fully if I pushed too hard.
"Yes. I'm telling you the truth. I’ve never lied to you.” But as soon as those words left my mouth, I mightily regretted it. Ialmostnever lied to her, which meant that I did, in fact, lie to her, and it was eating away at me every single day.
It had been almost six months, and I still hadn’t told her who was responsible for Ari. At this point, I was certain it would cause a huge rift between us, and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t lose her. So I shut down all my feelings of guilt and kept the secret buried, hoping it would never be revealed what really happened to Ari that day in August.
“I…I received a letter today…and some pictures.” Mia’s quiet voice boomed in my ears with this unexpected information. She sniffled and continued, “I– I don’t believe it. I don’t think…but at the same time…I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“What letter, baby? Show me,” I blurted out urgently.
Trembling, Mia reached inside her bag and pulled out an envelope, anticipation ripping out of me.
As if cold water was thrown in my face, I sat motionless and said nothing after I read it, the pictures of me with my past girlfriends staring at me from the floor.
Someone was playing a dirty game. Someone so fucking close to me—I should have been able to reach out and grab this person, but I was blind. Was I becoming tired and sloppy? How could I have not picked up any signs? One of my men? Dmitry? Polina? Yuri? Francesco?! The list was fucking endless, and I had a whole cavalcade of enemies.
It was someoneclose.They knew intimate details;they knew I called hersvet moy…and I did that only in the privacy of our home.
“You believe this?” I asked the first thing that was on my mind, but Mia’s eyes sparkled with more tears in the darkness of our quiet apartment.
“N-no, I– I’m sorry.” She shrugged uncomfortably. “I– I don’t think I believe anything, but at the same time, Kirill, I don’t know what to believe! You don’t tell me anything!”
In a way, she was right. I didn’t tell her a whole lot, but not because I wanted to lie to her! Because I wanted to protect her, to shield her from the reality of my world. It was brutal, raw, violent, and deceitful. And Mia was a ray of sunshine.
I needed that light. I needed her light to survive, to mend my soul, to live in peace. And I would fucking do anything to keep that light safe. I’d burn the whole city, the whole world, if that meant I could protect her.
Without hesitation, I pulled on Mia’s hand, bringing her into my lap and wiping away her tears, her skin feeling like velvet on mine. “Sunshine,” my lips whispered into her temple. “I’m not secretive, I promise.” Her arms snaked around my waist, and she positioned herself comfortably on my lap, sinking into my chest. “But I don’t exactly run a daycare…although sometimes it feels like it.” This year had been an absolute shitshow, and I couldn’t see a way out of it. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, Sunshine. Just ask me.”
In this moment, together in our dark home, this felt like the calm before the storm. This letter was a fucking kick in the balls. Clearly meant to unnerve and sow doubt in her mind about me—and it fucking worked!
Meticulously, without missing any details, I retold the story of every single woman in the photos and addressed all the accusations. Mia listened but didn’t ask any questions, merely taking in the information.
