Page 87 of The Tsar's Obsession
Carly’s poisonous words set my whole body ablaze, but they also awakened such bitter anger inside me. Howfucking dareshe talk about him like that?!
“I'm sorry.” I used all my strength to speak. “I'm sorry Ari was into me and you felt jealous!” All my emotions from the last week were bubbling over, and if Carly decided to take this road, I’d go down the dirty path with her. “I'm sorry this happened, but this is not my fault! I had no idea he was responsible!”
Without realizing what I was doing, my body shot up and out of the seat, my chair tumbling down to the floor. I shoved my finger in her face and told her everything that was on my soul. “I knew you never liked him, but don’t fucking read me morality lectures! I nevereverwished anything bad on you or Ari or anyone else! I was always your loyal friend! I was always there for you! Andfuck, Carly, I will still always be there for you, no matter what garbage and hate you throw my way!" Without looking back, I stormed past her, hoping to get hit by a bus on my way out.
Viv found me on the sidewalk ledge outside my apartment building. I had no idea how I ended up there, but I did get a pack of cigarettes at the bodega down the street. I took a drag, immediately regretting my decision.
“Man,” Viv started as she took her seat beside me. “Sothat’swhat happened, huh?” She plucked the cigarette out of myfingers and puckered her lips around it, blowing the smoke out like she was in an old Hollywood movie. We sat in silence for a bit, both just staring into nothing, but then Viv spoke.
“You know…when I was ten, my brother passed away.” I twisted my head to her, unsure if I heard correctly. Viv and I had been friends for almost fifteen years, and I had absolutely no idea she’d had a brother! Before I could even open my mouth to ask anything, she continued, “It really broke us all. He was only seven. Got hit by a car.” She took another drag, this time holding the smoke in her lungs. “We were playing ball, and it bounced…and he ran after it.”
Viv exhaled, her usual confidence and energy gone without a trace. “It’s going to be twenty years soon, and I think about him every day, but…we all learned to continue living. Time heals, Mia. Time.” My tears rolled off my cheeks, knowing that there were many details she probably left out. She swung her arm around my shoulder and pressed me to her, both of us broken inside.
“He made a mistake.” Her words echoed in my ears. “He waited ten years to see you and there was Ari…very obviously into you. Seriously!” She suddenly turned chirpy, the cigarette bobbing between her lips. “Put yourself in his shoes! He takes and gets what he wants—he got you!” She swatted at my arm, and I ripped the cigarette out of her mouth, her energy passing to me.
I took a drag and coughed, about to respond, but Viv wouldn’t let up. “He didn’t kill Ari, Mia. He could have! But he didn’t. He’s not a regular, simple man—you know that.” She leaned back to catch my gaze, all of me in shambles from her words. “But that’s not why he did it. He just wantedyou;he was blind to everything else. What did you think he was going to do?” She posed a valid question. “Politely tell Ari that you were off-limits? Fuck no!” Her enthusiasm brought a smile to my face for the first time since it happened.
Through my renewed tears, I inhaled the nicotine once more. The last time I’d smoked was withhim. In fact, it was exactlyaround the time Ari was pummeled half to death. That felt like forever ago. Kirill was so differe–
You've changed me, Mia.
The thin stream of cigarette smoke curled up past my eyes, and his words burned inside me. It wasn’t only him who changed—I’d changed too.
“Help me move back home?” I asked for help. He always encouraged me to ask for what I wanted.
“Yeah, but…maybe stay with me for a bit longer?” Viv responded so kindly, but I shook my head to say no. It was time.
Back at my apartment, days passed in a complete haze, Viv’s words turning over in my mind.He made a mistake.
I stared out my window one afternoon and noticed a black SUV parked down the street. The same one as yesterday. And the day before. Yuri. Of course. I wondered if he knew about Ari. What a stupid question! Of course he did! Didhedo it?! Such vile repulsion and deep sadness mixed inside me, and a wild thought ran through my head: I should go and confront him.
In my delirium and tears, I collided with a strong, big body right at the entrance of my building, and without raising my eyes at the man, I knew it washim, the man I loved and missed. His intoxicating smell hit my nostrils, and all my senses went numb.
“Mia…” Kirill breathed out as he steadied me with his strong hands on my back, but I couldn’t open my eyes.
“No, no, what are you doing here?” I whined, powerless to walk away from his grasp or even look up at him. He pressed me against his chest, all his warmth and comfort infiltrating me after I’d been deprived for so long. There were no words. He merely held me, tightening his grip with every breath, his own tears and silent sobs accompanying mine.
This. Was. Heaven. I was being stitched up with every passing second in his embrace. I was tasting sweet poison once more after being in miserable withdrawal.
“Mia, my love, Sunshine…” Kirill’s light sniffles reached my ears, and I snaked my arms around his torso, not wanting this toever end. It was just him, justusagain, connected, in love. Letting go would be the breakup all over again, but I had to do it. For my own sanity. For my own health.
I didn’t dare open my eyes. If I looked at him, I wouldn’t be able to contain my tears. “I have to go.” But my attempts to push him off were feeble at best. “Don’t– don’t come back here.” If I didn’t open my eyes, I could pretend this never happened.
“No, no, please don’t, Mia; just wait, please!” His shaky voice cut deeper into my heart. There was nothing to wait for, only more pain.
But all the pain was suddenly gone, vanished without a trace when the soft touch of his lips landed on mine, freezing me to the spot. This was too hard; this was too much! Why did he do this to me?!
But this was also so blissful. This wasso good. My lips had a life of their own and answered back without a fight, his light stubble so prickly beneath my fingers. So sweet, so perfect, so mine!
Fuck.
I fell into it, and all traces of my resistance escaped me.
This was the sweetest, warmest, most desired kiss of my life. I was weightless, floating in a pink haze of love and obsession. I forgot all about Kirill’s lifestyle and the situation with Ari. I just wanted this, only this, onlyhim. My logical brain was dormant while my lips and tongue caressed his, our bodies firmly pressed against each other.
He was mine, and I was his.
Was.
