Page 41 of Only Yours
“Fuck, Reina. I shouldn’t have survived! There’s no reason I should be here. A good man died, one who had kids that he loved and that loved him. I’ve got nothing. I’m just a dumb kid who got lucky he didn’t die. I don’t deserve to get better! Do you understand? There’s no fuckin’ reason I should be here when he isn’t! What do you not get about that?” I remember my last talk with Captain Franks about his kids and how even the best woman can’t handle this life. Why should Reina have to deal with my grumpy ass, especially injured like I am? She could do so much better. Maybe it is better to push her away. But that thought scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to lose her, but I have no idea how to keep her.
She lets go of the railing and backs away from the bed. “Is that really what you think? That you somehow don’t deserve to live, so…” she shrugs her shoulders, “you just give up? Is that what you think Captain Franks would want? Do you think he would want you to go what the hell, I lived but you didn’t so now I’m just going to waste my time here?” Red rides high on her cheeks and she clenches her teeth. “I don’t understand you. Yes, a good man died. Yes, a lot of people are mourning him right now. But you have people here, including me. And you’re tryingeverything in your power to push us away. Well, guess what, soldier boy? I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be in your fucking face every day, pushing you because it’s exactly what you would do for me!”
She’s breathing hard by the time she finishes, and I reach for her with my good hand. She recoils from my touch, and steps to the side. “I need a minute, Brian. I need a few minutes. And then I’ll be back to kick your ass.” With those words, she turns on her heel and walks out of the room.
My heart pounds hard as I feel her words roll over me. I know I’m acting ridiculous. What I don’t know is how to fix it.
Chapter 38
I wish I could take all the anger he has stored within him and just punch the whole damn world so he would finally feel better. -Reina
Reina
I’m breathing hard when I walk out into the hallway. I didn’t mean to lose it on Brian. Hell, I had been promising myself for days I wouldn’t. But watching him like this is killing me. I know that he’s having survivor’s guilt. I know he’s depressed as hell. Who wouldn’t be? He lost a friend, and he’s in pain.
I lean against the wall and bury my head in my hands.
“Hey, you okay?” I feel a soft hand on my shoulder and lift my head.
Lyla’s bright blue eyes peer up at me. She’s been amazing through this whole thing. She’s only a student nurse, here doing the experience part of her schooling, but she’s been amazing during the last couple of months. I’ve come to rely on her quick smile and caring eyes. She’s also a nice change of pace from Brian’s other nurse, aka Lyla’s nursing supervisor. Nurse Vicky might as well be Nurse Ratchet. She’s got a bad attitude and a horrible bedside manner.
I sigh. “I finally let Brian have it. I shouldn’t have. I should have kept my cool. He’s hurting…” I break off and hang my head,“he’s hurting, and I have no idea what the hell to say to make it better.”
She reaches out and gives my shoulder a light pat. “Reina, you may not want to hear this, but I think you did the right thing. Maybe he needs a kick in the butt. And yes, he’s in pain, but you’re also hurting in a different way. Have you thought anymore about going to that counselor I recommended?”
Lyla talked to me about seeing someone a few weeks ago, but I refused. They have a counselor coming to see Brian. A counselor that he refuses to talk to. Why the hell should I need one?
I shake my head.
“Think about it, Reina. Sophie and her mom are going to see someone. And sometimes an injury to someone you love can have just as much impact on you. You’re dealing with a lot right now. You’re still trying to keep up with your schoolwork, right?”
I nod numbly. I’m trying. I go to classes for tests, but besides that I do everything on my own. The professors have been incredibly understanding. My mother has not. She tried to be understanding for about five minutes, but I think she’s aggravated with me now. She thinks I’m wasting my time caring for someone who doesn’t seem to want my help. Yes, I made the mistake of being truthful with her about Brian’s attitude. I was feeling vulnerable and weepy one day and complained to her. Ever since then, she’s been less sympathetic towards Brian’s condition.
“You need to make sure you take some time for you, Reina. Maybe get away from the hospital for a little while. Catch a movie. Do something else. Sophie will be here in a few minutes to relieve you. Take a few hours to do something besides schoolwork or worrying over Brian.” Her soft voice calms me, and I nod.
“I’ll try.” I rake a hand through my hair. “Tell me something happy. Talk to me about that hottie, Dr. Cannon. Have you made a move yet?”
I’ve come to think of Frazier Army Hospital as another set ofGrey’s Anatomy. Lyla has a huge crush on Dr. Cannon, and he watches her with googoo eyes when she isn’t looking. I’ve been pushing her to make a move forever.
This time she sighs and gives me a wan smile. “I love that you think I have a chance with him, but it’s not happening. He barely notices me, except to tell me about patients.”
“But the way he looks at you Lyla. I swear that man has a crush, a big crush.” My mouth curves into a smile. It’s so nice to talk about a happy subject.
Her expression changes to hopeful and she bites her lower lip. “You really think so?”
I throw my arm around her shoulders. “I really think so. Let’s go to the cafeteria for a few minutes and I’ll give you some advice on how to get your man.”
I give Brian’s room one last look as I walk away. He must come to the conclusion to help himself. I can’t do it for him. I’m just holding onto the small nugget of hope that the old Brian is in there somewhere.
Chapter 39
Loneliness. I remember you well, and here you are again. -Brian
Brian
I think they’ve finally given up. Sophie just sighs when she walks into the room and sees me unmoving again. My mom rolls her eyes. Reina huffs and then mumbles under her breath. Liam paces.
The counselor they send every week just happily doodles on his paper while I remain silent. He will occasionally throw out a question he knows I won’t answer. But he lets me know he’s there, and I guess that’s his job.
