Page 4 of Risky Taste
He’s safe.
The dial tone ends and I hold my breath, unsure of what to say. A timid ‘hello’ tumbles from my mouth, a soft sigh on the other side breaking my heart.
“Is this Noah?” The voice wobbles, and I recognize it as the maid, Sarah.
My breath hitches, guilt filling my chest as I grip the phone a little tighter. I clear my throat and lighten my voice even as the dread sets in. “Yeah. Where’s Ronny? We were supposed to meet up a couple hours ago.” Silence meets my question and the worst feeling I have experienced since my ex threatened me settles in my chest. “Hello?”
There’s a sniffle and then a pause. “Noah, it’s been a little tough over here.” Another sniffle. “I didn’t think it would be thisdifficult. Ronny… he… he’s no longer with us. He passed away this morning.”
My heart stops as the first of many sobs break through. “What happened?” I have no right to ask that, but I can’t help feeling I should have done more, should have called him last night, talked to him, maybe took him out to dinner.
“He was found in his bathtub this morning and although his mother called the ambulance, he didn’t make it.”
I fall to the floor in my office, confused and angry and miserable. “How’s his mother? How’s Ginny? I should…” I don’t know what I should do. Would she think it’s my fault? Or would she welcome me as we mourned her son together? “I’ll be…” I reach out to steady myself, about to push to my feet but there’s no strength left.
“Noah. Listen to me.” Sarah lets out a heavy breath. “He was so precious to us and you were a gift to him. A shining light in the darkness when he got back to the States.”
“It wasn’t enough. I should–”
She cuts me off again. “Soon, sweetie. But I need you to know that this isn’t your fault. That he was here longer on this Earth because of you and for that? I’m thankful.”
It doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like I helped keep him here when he’s no longer around. “Sarah… I don’t know what to say.” My voice cracks and the sigh in my throat gets caught.
“There aren't always words that can express our emotions. Give us a few hours before you come through. I don’t want you to see this. You’ve been through enough.”
Sarah mutters a goodbye and hangs up as I wonder how she could be so strong on the phone when I’m falling apart. And I’ve been through enough? Ginny lost a son and damn, Sarah basically did as well. But she’s still protecting my peace?
Shock takes over as I stare into the distance, my phone cradled in my hand, my entire body stiffening as I try to wrap myhead around Sarah’s words. He’s gone. I try to swallow but it gets caught in my throat and I cough, beating against my chest, unable to think.
He’s gone.
This shit is my fault. I haven’t done my job. What good am I as a doctor if I can’t even save my best friend?
Terror and helplessness wash over me. I couldn’t save him. The need to silence the sudden pain coursing through me has me glancing at the bottom drawer of my cabinet, a place I used to keep poison to drown out the world around me. My gaze moves to the wall, a small part of me wishing I hadn’t smashed that whiskey bottle so that there would be some left.
I know that my career depends on me staying away from the poison, my perfect little job hanging in the balance. But the temptation grows, the idea that I can sip just a little bit of that whiskey and be okay. I know it’s just lies that my subconscious is trying to tell me, but fuck, I want it so bad. Something to take me away from the failure that I let my best friend succumb to his demons.
I dig my fingers into my chest, relishing in the bite of pain that comes with it as I move to sit back at my desk, my head falling to the surface.He’s gone. I can only imagine how his mother and Sarah are feeling after finding him this morning, hoping that he would pull through, wishing that his demons hadn’t taken him.
That’s when the first tear falls, my throat dry as I heave for air, anguish flooding my senses. I have absolutely no idea what comes next.
Chapter two
NOAH
I’m not sure how long I sit there in silence, staring at the amber liquid staining the wall. It feels like an eternity as I try to understand what was that defining moment. We spoke just yesterday, his voice light and excited. We were planning a day trip, not that I knew where, but just a moment to leave reality behind.
And now I’ll never get that peace with him.
I’ll never get anything with him ever again.
My body feels numb, my cheeks stained with tears I didn’t know I still had, the silent sobs causing my chest to restrict until it truly is physical pain that I feel. There’s no strength left to stand, no one to call for support… just…
A knock interrupts my thoughts as I hurriedly wipe my face and turn around to see one of the long-term veterans who has been staying at the hospital due to a chronic injury. He’s the oneeveryone considers as the father figure of this wing, all salt and pepper hair, and a wicked tongue.
“Yeah?” My voice wobbles as I stumble to my feet, pulling my doctor’s coat a little tighter around me.
He gives me a once-over, worried about my frazzled state but doesn’t address it. “Got someone looking for you.” He wiggles his brows a few times before gesturing down the hall and disappearing.
