Page 7 of Risky Taste
I don’t understand what he’s doing or why he cares. I also have no idea how he picked all that up from just the past few hours he’s been back. “I haven’t had a drink in almost a year. It’s just… muscle memory? I don’t know. I just hold the glass sometimes.”
He chuckles, easing my panic. “You shouldn’t be testing yourself. This isn’t a test that you have to pass. It’s a journey, and creating obstacles is only going to impede your growth. I lost my mother to alcohol. I don’t wish that pain on anyone else, watching them fall apart like that, but that pain is so much worse for the person who thinks that alcohol is the solution.” He places a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go eat.”
It feels like a weight off my shoulders as he offers me a small smile. I manage to mirror it, despite the pain of everything else and it’s like he can see straight through me but he doesn’t ask. Logan tilts his head, a knowing look in his eyes as he caresses my cheek, his thumb running across it.
My lids flutter shut from the much needed warmth and I nearly lean into it before I remember justwhois touching me. “Let’s go,” I murmur, repeating his words. I push past him, head tucked, cheeks heated as I take the steps by two. I’m chalking up all these confusing feelings to the chaos in my head.
That’s all it is.
Because if Kurt ever found out…
But there’s nothing for him to find out so it’s fine.
It’s not fine.
Chapter four
NOAH
I’m not entirely sure how to participate in a sea of testosterone and pasta, men I haven’t seen in years clapping my back, hellos echoed across the dining room. It seems my poker face is better than I thought, few of them noticing that I’m completely strung out and about to fall apart. Logan keeps glancing over at me, Sebastian doing the same but a lot less subtly.
The pasta tastes like ash in my mouth and I quickly lose my appetite, still focused on the day’s earlier events. The laughter and camaraderie exploding in the kitchen hasn’t changed much, though. Even before we were in the military, Kurt would have his friends over while I stuffed myself in the corner, content to watch but not participate in the chaos.
I swallow, a sigh following as I lean my fork against the edge of my plate. No one is paying attention to me, well, except for two men I shouldn’t be thinking about. My mind is racing, the need for fresh air growing—whether that’s outside or upstairs, I don’tcare at this point. I wait a few moments longer before grabbing my plate and heading to the sink, not prepared for the firm grip wrapping around my waist.
My mouth opens to tell the guy off when I realize just who it is. Yet another man from my past, one that shared the other side of the bed in college. “Hey, Declan.” I manage. He releases me immediately, dark eyes glaring down at me. He’s much taller than I remember but just as intense, his brows furrowed as if studying me will give him the answer he seeks.
“You good, bunny?”
My cheeks heat at the awful nickname they gave me in college. I couldn’t sit still. I had to know anything and everything all the time, whether it was research or practice or just knowledge in general. However, the name became something else entirely and Declan has no business calling me that.
“All good. Fantastic, really.”
I shuffle past him, dumping my pasta in the trash and leaving the plate in the sink. Kurt can clean because one more moment in this house and I might fall apart. I shove myself in a pair of shoes, grab a coat, and take off down the driveway to head to the clinic.
It’d be quiet at this time, a place to let myself spiral in silence. Or at the very least, start reevaluating my life and the way I’ve let my demons hover. I need to face them. I need more help than I’ve allowed myself to have. But the scariest part is talking to someone, letting them in. In a way, Ronny had been that person. We shared everything, our excitement and our woes, our struggles and everything else. He even detailed stories of the men that had caught his eye but was too damn shy to do anything about. I told him all about Heath and the abuse and how badly it had ruined my self-esteem.
We were each other’s safe place and that’s why it hurts so much more that I didn’t know he was struggling. Had I pulledaway so that he didn’t think I was available? Had I not been asking the right questions or had I missed the signs?
The questions keep running around in my head, even as I slip into the back room of my office, a small cot calling my name. I run a hand through my hair, tugging at the ends just softly, wishing it was a different hand telling me that everything would be alright.
“How do we go on from here, Noah?” I ask myself as I kick off my shoes. The shirt and pants go with it as I crawl under the covers, slapping a pillow over my head as all the emotions come crashing down around me. Tears spill down my cheeks as I shake, unable to contain them anymore. It hurts. My heart hurts.
I’m not sure how long I’m there, a loud crash down the hall having me burrow deeper under the duvet. God, I’m a mess. Trying to fall asleep is pointless but I lay there anyway until there’s a soft tug on the pillow over my head. I shoot up, fists at the ready, fear and confusion coursing through me. And then I realize it’s just Sebastian, concern plastered all over his face.
“Seriously, babe?” He asks as he drags me to my feet and into his chest. He runs his fingers through my hair, the other hand roughly gripping my waist. I gasp into his shirt, clinging to him like I have every right to. “Watching you fall apart is breaking me. Did you really think we wouldn’t notice?”
A bitter laugh falls from my lips. “Kurt never does.”
“That doesn’t meanwedon’t.” The way he sayswemakes me think that the men from my past share a lot more than just Kurt as a friend. The idea that they talk about me is both terrifying and comforting. Sebastian pulls away a little, his gaze walking along the bare walls and surfaces empty of what used to be filled with Heath’s presence. His grip tightens on me, the unasked question lingering in the air.
My shoulders sag in defeat. “He’s gone. Not completely but we’re… not a thing.” And yet, I still feel a little guilty being in Sebastian’s arms.
He hums a response before looking back down at me, several seconds of silence slowly becoming awkward. “I missed you,” he whispers by my ear before kissing it, his lips trailing down my jaw before he pulls away just enough to press one to my lips. I grumble as he gathers me up in his arms and walks over to my desk, setting me on it and stepping in between my legs. He holds my face in his large, rough hands, keeping me from avoiding his gaze.
“Hey, talk to me.” When I don’t say anything, he drops a hand to my thigh and squeezes, my mouth parting on a gasp.
Heat blooms in my belly as his eyes darken, reminding me of other things that happened in this position. More tears spill down my cheeks as his thumb moves to wipe them away.
