Page 54 of Masked Sins
In my research, I’d come to learn that I was probably a masochist. I enjoyed pain—I always had. When others complained about their feet hurting, Icravedthe sting because it meant I was progressing.
I could control the pain, in a way. It was physically real, something I could manage however I wanted to, and that helped me reclaim a sense of control.
That was especially important to someone with an experience of feeling helpless.
Taking my cami and underwear off, I pull my hair into a high bun and step into the scalding-hot water, hissing as I lower my body into the steaming water.
I always used to joke with friends that things like scalding bathshurt so good.
I mean, you don’t get a VCH—vertical clit hood—piercing unless you crave that kind of pain, right?
Smiling, I sink lower into the water. It’s something I did last year after reading about it in a book. It was crazy, and not something I’d ever considered doing before. Not even Zoe or Remy knew I had it, and it felt like my dirty little secret.
Taking control of my sexuality is a part of my healing process, and the piercing was a big part of that. Despite not exactly being sexually active, I do find it boosts my confidence and makes me feel powerful—something I didn’t feel after…after my power was stripped from me.
Literally.
Before then, I’d never believed I’d be a victim of sexual assault—no one does—but it had broken me. It resulted in fear of men for years. Self-doubt. Self-loathing.
Through long and helpful therapy sessions—I wouldn’t have survived without those dark days—I realized my fear was their power, and I took that power back.
It certainly helped when Orion had beaten the guy to within an inch of his life, and of course his father, Charles Ravage, paid the judge off so that Orion wasn’t charged with assaulting a minor.
I close my eyes as I remember that week.
How everyone at school turned against me because he was a popular football player, and I was a nobody.
How I almost gave up dancing.
How I turned to books to stay sane.
How I hardly left my house for years unless Orion was with me.
The idea of handing myself over to Starboy doesn’t scare me.
I’ve seen and experienced enough shit to know what real pain feels like. I’ve isolated myself, mentally beat myself up more than I thought possible, and experienced such crippling self-doubt that I could barely get out of bed some days. Mixed with the restrictive eating?
I was in a bad place for a very long time.
I felt completely disconnected from my body.
Perhaps that’s why I enjoy pain now—as a way to reconnect with my body. To experience intense physical sensations that bring me back to a controlled environment, to help rebuild a sense of physical presence and ownership over my autonomy.
For so long, I felt stigmatized and, even now, a bit isolated in my sexual identity.
Starboy, despite being a literal stranger, makes me feel like I belong. Like my desires are normal and accepted.
Doing this with him feels cathartic, and I’m excited to see just how far he thinks he can push me.
CHAPTER NINE
THE WITNESS
Orion
I take a deep breath and stare at the hospital room door, wondering if I’m brave enough to push it open. Dread curdles in my stomach when I double-check the number, but how could I be wrong when this is the nicest private suite at Cedars? Who else would be in here other than my father?
My phone vibrates, so I step away from the door. Liam’s name flashes across the screen, and I quickly answer the call.
