Page 58 of Holy Hearts
He doesn’t answer right away, letting the silence stretch just long enough for me to feel the tension creeping up my spine.
Kai clears his throat, and I know what he’s going to ask before he does. “If you don’t mind me asking…” he starts, running his fingers over his lips, “how did you get started in the lifestyle?”
Julian goes still next to me, and my lips part as I take a large sip of wine. Despite eating two servings of lasagna, I still feel tipsy, and I’m suddenly eager to spill everything to Kai. I meet Julian’s gaze and feel a surge of warmth, the kind of thrill I get only when we talk openly like this. With Julian’s silent encouragement, I turn back to Kai, who’s watching us with a burning focus that sends a thrill up my spine and sends goosebumps to break out on my skin.
“Well,” I say, trying to steady my voice, “we were always unconventional. We dabbled in other aspects of the lifestyle occasionally—things like dominance and submission, bondage, role play, which is where?—”
“I am aware of what role play is, Sophie,” Kai says, his voice soft yet firm.
My whole body heats up.
“Right. Well, one night Julian brought up the idea. We were out, and a bartender in London had been flirting with me. We’d been in a bit of a rut with our duties, and Julian wasn’t happy as Lord Ashford. I was even more unhappy as Lady Ashford. It felt… stifling,” I finish, looking at Julian, who only gives me a small smile. “He suggested I let myself explore, so I did. I flirted back. Nothing more happened, but it set a precedent in a way.With each encounter, I got more daring. By the time I was ready to take a man to bed, we’d written up a contract and NDA, and from there, it just… happened.”
Kai’s eyebrows lift, and he studies me like he’s savoring every word.
Julian’s hand tightens slightly around mine. “I wanted Sophie to feel free, to do things she didn’t think she could. I guess you could say it’s my kink,” he says with a slight smirk. “Watching her come alive. Watching other men enjoy what I get to call mine. It’s exhilarating.”
Kai’s eyes flash with something, and he leans back, fingers still absently tracing his lips. “And how did that feel, Sophie?” His voice is low, controlled, but I catch the glint of interest beneath the surface.
“It was… liberating,” I confess, voice softer. “At first, it felt strange, stepping outside of the rules we’d grown up with. I mean, if anyone in our circle ever found out… we would’ve been ostracized. It was also incredibly exciting because of that. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be wanted, to feel that rush of someone seeing me the way Julian does, but differently.” I can feel my cheeks heating as I speak, but I don’t stop. “It’s like discovering new parts of myself each time. And Julian—he loves it as much as I do. Which makes me love it. I guess my kink is watching him unravel in front of me,” I finish, squeezing my legs together as Julian gives me a heated, knowing look.
Kai is quiet for a moment, processing, but there’s a spark in his gaze. Fascination… mingled with something deeper. “So how do you invite others into this… arrangement?”
“I intentionally choose someone for us,” Julian says smoothly, his eyes fixed on Kai.
Kai’s fingers stop at his mouth, and his eyes shift between us, as if he’s searching for a hidden meaning behind Julian’s words.
It sends shivers down my spine, because all night, he’s been looking at me differently. At first, I thought it was because of his apology and confession. But now… I’m not so sure. He’s been nothing but polite, but it’s not the usual friendly warmth that I’m used to. His eyes linger for a beat too long, and I catch him studying the way Julian touches me when he thinks I’m not paying attention.
It’s subtle—so subtle that if I weren’t already halfway through a second glass of wine, I might convince myself I imagined it.
“And does this ‘someone’ usually understand your preferences?”
There’s a subtle emphasis on ‘someone,’ a wisp of interest laced with challenge.
Julian’s gaze doesn’t waver. “They usually do, yes. We make sure of it. Sophie is… precious to me. And I want her to be adored, in every sense of the word. Not to mention I want her to feel safe. So communication is key.”
My heart beats faster as Julian’s words sink in. Kai’s intensity has always felt charged, magnetic, but now it’s laced with the awareness that he’s starting to see us—trulysee us.
Kai leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, his gaze turning serious. “I see.”
“And you?” I ask, holding my glass of wine as I give him a wry smile. “Tit for tat, Ravage.”
Malakai smirks. “Well, I’m not a stranger to these dynamics. I understand what it takes to build that level of trust.” His voice dips slightly, and I catch a note of something darker—something he’s holding back.
“Even as a pastor?” I ask, my voice quiet.
“Especially as a pastor,” he replies. “Over the last couple of years, my…interests…have blended and intertwined with my job. I think, like you, I started to resent the responsibility of it all.Everything is so heavy at work—my job is so important. I needed an outlet. So I found one.”
“Well, go on then,” Julian encourages.
I swallow, feeling the heat building in the room, and find myself leaning toward him, almost unconsciously.
Kai’s expression grows contemplative, his eyes shifting lazily from Julian to me. For a moment he seems almost hesitant to continue, like there’s a heaviness that only he carries. He releases a slow, resigned breath, as if he's steeling himself, and his gaze pierces me with a knowing glint.
“Let’s just say,” he begins, his voice deepening, “that the line between my work and my… desires has gotten a bit blurry over the years. Preaching every Sunday, shepherding my congregation, it requires control and a sense of responsibility. I’m held to a certain standard, you might say.” His lips curve into a slight, almost dangerous smile. “But as you might imagine, responsibility like that can feel suffocating.”
His words hang in the air, and a thrill runs through me as he continues, his gaze unwavering. If anyone understands the weight of responsibility, it’s Julian and me.
