Page 43 of Soft Tissue Damage
It’s always been difficult for me to get turned on with Leon, and finally reaching orgasm with him felt like a big achievement for me. For us. I was so proud of us.
A horrible thought occurs to me. All the time we were in bed together, he must have been comparing me with that other woman. I cringe when I think about all the ways I must have been lacking. I bet Angie had no problem giving killer blowjobs and having orgasms left and right.
“I’ve been balancing work and family commitments and feeling like I’m never good enough. I think trying to be a good person didn’t make me a very fun girlfriend.”
Mr. Grant seizes my shoulders and makes me look at him. “Listen to me, Elena. You are not lacking. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?”
It sure feels like it’s my fault. If I were a good person, I’d still have a boyfriend, and I’d know who my mother is by now.
I can hear my aunts’ chilly voices in my head, berating me over this new turn of events.
You gave him your body to treat like a playground, and now you’re all alone? Of course he walked out and didn’t look back. No man likes a whore, Elena.
Just as disgusting and irresponsible as your mother. It’sanyone’s guess who your real father is. I’m sure she doesn’t even know.
Mr. Grant’s insistent voice breaks through theirs. “You deserve to be treated with respect. You are more than enough, Elena.” His eyes run over my tearstained face as if he’s looking at someone beautiful, not a red-faced mess. “You deserve everything you want, just as you are.”
My lower lip quivers as I gaze up at him. But I’ve never been enough. I’ve always been found lacking. No one’s ever said anything so wonderful to me before.
“I think Leon dumped me because I’m boring.”
Mr. Grant fights a smile. My eyes widen in surprise.
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just that…” He lifts his twinkling eyes to mine. “After what you and I have been through together, how could you call yourself boring?”
The murders.
Thekiss.
No, he means the murders. Of course he does. “You’re the one who saved me when I got into trouble. I didn’t do anything.”
“Didn’t you?” He rests his temple on his fist and gazes at me, an admiring smile on his face. “Do you ever think about how you picked up that lamp and smashed it across your attacker’s face? Do you think about stabbing one of them? I do. I think about it a lot.”
It wasn’t like it was a conscious decision. Cullan had a wild, angry expression in his eyes when he entered theroom, and I was suddenly energized. He came to save me when I needed him.
Mr. Grant tucks my hair behind my ear. “When I sayyou are enough, it doesn’t mean I’ve measured you against some special criteria. It means that just by being you, kind, sweet Elena, I’m in awe of you.”
I suck in a breath. Maybe Cullan is just trying to make me feel better, but for a moment, I believe him. He speaks so sensitively about the idea of being enough that I wonder if he’s worried about the same thing.
“You sound like this is something you’ve struggled with as well. Being enough for someone.”
He grimaces. “My ex didn’t cheat on me, but she let me know she was gravely disappointed in the man I am.”
I clutch his hand, a pang going through me. “That’s awful. I’m so sorry.”
Mr. Grant gazes at my fingers wrapped around his. “I’m getting over it.”
I’m filled with curiosity about Mr. Grant’s past. I know so little about him. “Can you tell me about her?”
He turns his hand over, palm up, and gently holds mine. “What would you like to know?”
“Why didn’t things work out between you two?”
He thinks for a moment, idly caressing my thumb with his. “We wanted different things. I wanted more children, and she wanted more freedom. I couldn’t be the real me around her, so piece by piece, I shut her out, and that hurt her.”
“Who’s the real Cullan Grant?”
He smiles, and strokes the pad of his thumb across my palm. “Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? I don’t think I’ve ever been my whole self before, but I feel like I’m getting closer.”
