Page 42 of Soft Tissue Damage
My phone buzzes. It’s a text from Leon. I sit up and wipemy face, and read it.
Leon: You’re the one I want. I just made a mistake.
Tears fill my eyes. A mistake? For a moment my heart lifts. Maybe it is all a terrible mistake. More texts from Leon light up my phone.
Leon: She doesn’t mean anything to me really.
Leon: And the thing is, you never seemed that interested in sex. I didn’t think you’d care if I got it elsewhere.
Leon: I made a mistake, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
Leon: I was confused.
Leon’s throwing every excuse at the wall, hoping something sticks. Confused? I know what confusion feels like, and it’s not taking happy selfies while you’re naked in bed with someone. Confusion is kneeling in a church pew praying over and over that you won’t burn in hell for all eternity because you’re never good enough. It’s trying to be a good girlfriend, and then having endless steamy dreams about your boyfriend’s dad. It’s hiding a murder spree and a secret kiss in the dark. If anyone finds out Mr. Grant killed my attackers and I concealed his involvement, I could go to prison and so could Mr. Grant. My boyfriend’s father doesn’t seem to have any PTSD or regret over the blood on his hands, and I have never once felt afraid of the man I saw kill four people.That’sconfusing.
The next two messages come through quickly, as if Leon is typing fast because he’s getting angry.
Leon: And I was frustrated.
Leon: I thought it was wrong to keep pushing you for sex.
Leon: You didn’t want me to keep pushing you for sex, did you? It was making us both angry not getting what we needed.
The phone drops from my fingers to the floor, and my heart drops with it. He was angry with me? I was never angry with him. The implication is clear that I wasn’t worth waiting for, even though I was giving Leon clear signs that I was getting more comfortable with the idea of sleeping with him. The contraceptive patch proved that, didn’t it?
That night he went down on me could have been disastrous, but he cooled off, came back to me, and started again, slow and loving. The way he touched me and kissed me—that second try was like night and day from the first. Later, I tried to tell him how grateful I was that he was patient and thoughtful enough to help me relax into it, and then make me feel so,sogood, but he turned red and cut me off before I could get three words out. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to relive that wonderful moment with me.
When did he start sleeping with this Angie? If I know when it started, maybe I can figure out what I did that triggered his infidelity. Was it a week when I took too many shifts at work? Was it right after I burst into tears and covered myself up because he pulled my top off?
I pick up my phone and reply.
Elena: How many times did you sleep with her? When did it start?
Leon: It was just once, I swear.
There are a dozen photos of them in bed together. Thesheets change color and so does Angie’s lingerie. I start to get angry.
Elena: Do you think I’m stupid?
The three dots appear and they’re there for several minutes. Either he’s writing an essay or he’s deleting and retyping. Finally the message comes through.
Leon: I think you’re frigid.
Leon: You should see someone about that.
Hurt fills up inside my chest. The accusation in his words is clear. I’m not good enough. It’s nothing I didn’t already know.
I dissolve into sobbing again. A few minutes later, I hear the front door close, and then strong arms scoop me up, and I’m pulled against a warm chest. Mr. Grant holds me on his lap, murmuring soft words into my hair and gently stroking my brow.
“I hate that you’re in so much pain. I’m so sorry, Elena. I’ve got you. Just cry it out.”
Apparently I do need to cry, because I can’t stop. I cling to Mr. Grant’s bicep and shudder in his arms, which he keeps tight around me.
“You must have really loved him,” he murmurs.
I brush tears from my cheeks and sit up. “I don’t know if this hurts because I loved him, or because I was really trying, and I still wasn’t enough.”
After the night Leon went down on me, I started to hope that we were turning a corner together. At first it wasn’t going well at all, and Leon had to leave the room because he was so frustrated with me. I tried to feelsomething, but I got in my head and couldn’t enjoy myself. Then he came back and everything was different. I could feel warmth and love in the way he touched me. The kisses he pressed to my thighs and stomach made me melt. And then his tongue…
