Page 62 of Rise of the Gods: Vardor's Destiny
We reached our quarters, and I opened the door to let her in before I filled a cup with a finger full of rum for her. "Here."
She took the cup but didn't drink. "What did I do?"
"Vaelora is waking up inside you," I told her.
"If this is her, I don't know if I want her to wake up." Roweena sank onto the bed, holding the cup in both hands like a lifeline.
I sat down beside her. "Roweena, I love you just the way you are, but the assertiveness growing inside you is good. It's good for you."
She regarded me, mystified. "How can it be good to behave like... like... a harpy?"
"You didn't behave like a harpy, you behaved like a woman outraged. There is nothing wrong with that. And if this is what your world has been teaching you, thentheyare wrong. You need to stand up for yourself as well as for others, even if the others are just animals."
Her mind worked through my words; I saw it in the emotions reflected in her eyes. "Women have no rights in this time."
"That's why you need to stand up for yourself," I reiterated. "And I will be here. I will have your back, defend you, whatever you need, Roweena. I love you."
Her eyes moistened, "I love you too, Vardor."
Her words hit me like a brick. Vaelora had never said them to me. Never. I hadn't needed to hear her say them, either. I knew she did in the only way she knew how. But now that Roweena had... my heart stuttered. I took her hands, still clamped over the cup, and kissed them. I didn't think she had any idea what those three words meant to me. Not just the words, I saw it on her expression, the way her eyes regarded me, the small curve to herlips. I loved this woman so much it hurt. The pain choked me, it was like a vise pressing down around my ribs, squeezing me. Because I knew I would lose that. I would lose her.
Every day I felt myself changing just a little bit more. Things that had always meant everything to me, like decorum, etiquette, restraint, and politeness were leaving me. It started after the first night of sex with Vardor. The next morning, true to my word, I threw my corsets overboard. I would never wear those things ever again.
The next moment of change was when I came to the breakfast room. It wasn't hard to miss that I was the only woman not wearing the torture device around her waist, and the gossiping began. I remembered how mortified I had been whenever Thomas took me anywhere and I heard the other ladies talking about me. How humiliating it had been.
This time, I didn't feel anything. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how deep I listened into myself, I couldn't bring myself to care about what these women said about me. It was the most freeing moment of my life.
I felt like a butterfly slipping its cocoon and spreading its wings for the first time: unbelievably free. It wasn't long before I realized those women meant nothing to me. They were strangers I would probably never see again. So why should I have cared what they thought or said about me? But it wasn't just that they were strangers, deep down, I knew that even if I were to find myself back in Thomas' circles now, I would hold my head up high and not care one ounce about what Harriet or any of theothers said about me. They didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was what I thought about myself. That I was proud of who I was. These other people would gossip about me no matter what. No matter how I behaved. One little mistake on my part would have them pounce on me like vultures. But never again would I go amongst others afraid of making a mistake. I would rather they wag their tongues over me because I was comfortable without the corset instead of constantly being worried about using the wrong utensil or not curtsying deep enough.
As I was changing, feeling liberated, I realized that this would have never happened had Vardor not kidnapped me. As ironic as it was, I owed him everything, most of all my sense of freedom. As his prisoner, I was freer than I had ever been.
Never before would I have spoken to another woman the way I did to Cassandra. Or taken a man's gun, leave alone hit him with it. But God, it felt good. For the first time in my life, I could be myself. I hadn't even known that this person was buried inside me. Or maybe I had. Maybe she had been trying to break out in her own way by getting me so fascinated with Egypt. With a life beyond the boundaries of England. It was ironic that I had considered marriage as a tool to be free and go there. I would have gladly handed over what little rights I had to a husband to beg him for the rest of my life for the smallest things.
I didn't think I would have ever been as wanton in bed with Thomas as I was with Vardor. Vardor brought out a side in me that bloomed every day, slowly over the weeks of our sea voyage. It wasn't just gratitude and sexual hunger I felt for him. Slowly, I was falling in love with my abductor.
Nobody had ever treated me the way he did. Not only as an equal, but as a person worthy of being known, pleased, and yes, even worshiped. I felt elevated, cherished, and protected.
What did I feel about Vardor being a god? I never saw him that way. He was a man for me, but knowing that he wasimmortal and indestructible helped. I never had to worry about him. Not when he fought with the man whose rifle I took, nor when the captain threatened him. And that, too, was incredibly liberating.
As for his immortality? For the moment, I was too busy changing, adjusting to be the person I had always been meant to be. Someone who had been put into chains without her realizing, until slowly, one by one, they broke and fell off. So many new emotions contended for my attention that I simply didn't have time to think about Vardor never aging, or the fact that I would. When the thought did pop up in my head, I instantly remembered him telling me I was a goddess too, so I trusted that there would be an answer soon.
Something else occupied my mind.
"Did you throw up?" Vardor asked, scrunching up his face as he spied the covered bowl by the entrance.
"I did," I replied with a small grin.
"But you don't... you don't get seasick."
"I'm not seasick," I assured him.
"Then why..." Concern edged onto his features. "Are you sick?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm having your baby."
My heart beat a little bit faster saying the words out loud. I had only discovered this morning. What would he say? What would he do? Technically, we weren't married, but we weremated, as he told me. Our hearts are mated, he said just last night,that is as binding as any vow. Well, now I would find out if his words were true or not. I only had a couple of hours to digest the news since I figured it out. Hours filled with a lot of events. From Cassandra's latest attempt to seduce myhusbandto the incident with that... that man shooting at dolphins. Despite that, I knew I wanted this baby with all my heart. Loved him already. More than I ever thought I could possibly loveanother being. A being that hadn't even been born yet, that had barely been conceived.
If need be, I would do it on my own. I would reinvent myself as a widow, raise this baby, and give him all the love he deserved.
