Page 152 of When I Picture You
“I saw the reaction to ‘Starcrossed,’” Renee said. “I know the gays can eat their own, but I never thought they’d be so cruel. Like, I thought the conservatives would hate it—”
“Oh, they do,” Lola said. “You’re just not on that part of the internet.”
“But the queers should have loved it and they’re dragging you like their lives depend on it. You don’t owe them anything, you know that, right?”
“I don’t know,” Lola said. “They’re right to be mad that I’ve been having it both ways. I haven’t even been a good ally, let alone a good queer person.”
“You don’t have to be agood queer person,” Renee snorted. “It’s enough just to be yourself.”
Renee’s phone buzzed again. Renee grabbed for it. “Sorry, that’s so annoying.”
But then she looked at the screen. It was filled with texts from Kadijah.
Did you see lola came out?
Omg I think she’s At PRINCES????
Omg are you there?
This is so romantic I’m literally dying!!!
Renee gazed up at Lola, her mouth hanging open. “Lo, what did you do?”
Lola was beaming back at her, a huge, satisfied smile. “I just made a post from outside.”
Renee’s thumb was trembling as she navigated to Lola’s Instagram. There was a video there of Lola standing outside Prince’s, her breath steaming in the bitter cold.
“I’m back in my hometown for a few days and there’s something I want to tell you. I’ve been keeping this to myself for a long time, because it felt like there was never the perfect time to share it. But I’ve realized that the perfect time is one you choose for yourself. The big secret is that I’m queer. I’m bisexual, and I always have been.” In the video, Lola paused and looked away from the camera as emotion passed over her face and resolved into a smile. “It feels so, so good to finally say that. So, yeah, that’s it. Love you all.”
Renee stared at her phone, slack-jawed with shock, as the video looped.
“Can you stop playing that?” Lola said. “I love listening to myself talk too, but …”
“Wait, so you just—” Renee asked, baffled, as she silenced the video. “Like just now—outside? No parade?”
“I got tired of waiting for the parade planners to get their act together,” Lola said, grinning.
This time, Renee didn’t stop herself. She circled her arms around Lola’s waist and drew her in. Even in her huge parka, Lola’s body still fit against hers like it belonged there.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
The look on Lola’s face was something like happiness, but she wasn’t smiling. Her eyes were shining, her lips parted. She looked, Renee realized, relieved.
“Incredible. Terrified. I waited too long to do that.”
“You didn’t have to do this for me—” Renee moved to step back but Lola clung to her apron.
“I didn’t do it for you! I did it because this is whatI want. I’ve spent years trying to find the right time and what I want has only ever been an afterthought. It’s not only Gloriana, or my career.Ilet that happen. I’m not doing it anymore. This is the right time for me, Renee, because I want to walk out of here holding your hand.Iwant that.”
“Lo, I don’t know what to say,” Renee said softly.
Lola released Renee, straightened her parka, and adopted a serious expression.
“I love you, Renee. You saw something in me that I had stopped seeing in myself. Before this summer, it was like I’d forgotten who I was. You helped me remember. I know I’ll have to work to be the best partner for you. I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I don’t. But I promise to be honest, even when it’s hard, and that I’ll put us first, if you give me a chance.”
Renee looked down at Lola, her warm, hopeful eyes and the smile playing on those Cupid’s bow lips. She had known that face her whole life, and yet never wanted to stop rediscovering Lola. No matter how long they were together, she knew she never would.
“Do you remember when I told you I loved you, I said I’d never expected to say that to anyone?” Renee said, her voice thick. “At the time, I didn’t realize why. I couldn’t see how scared I was. I was trying so hard to avoid being hurt that I closed myself off from a lot of things. But I was hurting the people I cared about. I hurt you. You made me realize that risking my heart is worth it. As hard as the last few months have been, as scary as it was to let you in, I would do all of it again for the chance to love you.”
