Page 115 of Revelry
Gertrude had said the same thing. Maybe I was being too stubborn? Maybe I did need to talk to my father and hear his side. Maybe then I could finally get some closure and move on? My stepbrother’s face flashed into my mind, the picture of hurtwhen I rebuffed him at the fair. And the other times I’d seen him, he’d been sullen, like a normal teenager but there had been a spark of hope about him. Maybe he wanted more from me?
My stomach lurched. “I want…I want to be a brother.”
My hands tightened on the rope, I was beginning to feel lightheaded from being up so high, and the adrenaline rush, but I could feel the tension lifting from my shoulders as I made the choice to begin letting go of my anger. My bitterness. My feelings of worthlessness.
Someone had found me worthy. And I’d treated her like shit.
I needed to apologize to her. Beg for her forgiveness because now I’d had her in my life, taking up space and filling it with so much joy, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I couldn’t wait to tell Gertrude about this. Her laughing face flashed into my mind, making me smile.
“I want to be strong enough for Gertrude, to give her what she needs. And I don’t want to let her go again. I want to be the man she can rely on and trust to look after her. I want to give her love, fun and family. AndIwant friends. I’ve enjoyed having friends! And socializing!” The more I reeled off, the more excited I grew about my future.
“These are great! Are you ready to go down?”
My heart thudded. Was I? I kind of liked being up here, epiphany after epiphany ricocheting through me. “Not yet.”
He gave me a thumbs up. “That’s okay, I’ll wait for you.”
I stayed up here for longer, just thinking about everything. My life was so much better these last few months because I’d started to let go. Because Gertrude had shown me how to be and I had enjoyed my time with her more than anything. I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her.
The last few weeks had been empty, more than it had been before she bounded back into my life. She filled it up with her bigcurls, big laugh and big love. Her swirling chaos that I wanted to get swept away in forever.
I wasn’t looking for love. Had never thought I would look for love again after my experiences. But Gertrude’s love was given so generously, so freely, that it was completely different.
It was a warm glow in my chest whenever she tossed a smile at me, or sent me a thousand messages when just one would do. When she tried to make me laugh, when she made allowances for my triggers and gently eased them. I wanted to see what life had in store for her and have a front row seat to all her achievements. All these things filled me up and made me whole. And I didn’t want to be without that anymore.
Eventually the sun started to lower and the sky took on a pinky glow and I shuffled forward, my heart pounded because that drop was stillbig.But I took a breath, my fingers itched to click but I ignored them.
I glanced at Neil, who had patiently waited on the edge for me to be ready to do this. I nodded at him once and he grinned. And together, we pushed off from the edge.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Gertie
As soon as I saw her, I burst into tears.
“Oh, Gertie, no!” she cried, throwing her arms around me. I sobbed into my mother’s arms and I felt Cathy envelop me too and shuffle us all awkwardly into the house.
“I’m sorry,” I snuffled.
“No, we should have called first, but we wanted to surprise you.” Mom’s voice was muffled from my shirt. I drew back, staring at her with watery eyes and she stroked my cheeks. “Want to tell me what’s wrong?”
I didn’t know where to start so I just blurted out in a half sob. “I fell in love with a booooy!”
And collapsed against her again. The unmistakable feel of her shaking had me drawing back. I narrowed my eyes as I took in her lower lip pressed between her teeth.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No, no, she’s not. Are you, Lucy? Because that would be mean,” Cathy scolded, and my mom ducked her head.
“I’m not laughing because it’s funny. I’m just glad it’s not something much worse, that’s all.” She looked between us, waiting for us to see the humor. “We’ve been through worse, you’ve got to admit.”
Then I felt my lip curl up in a smile and tried to rearrange my features to a mock scowl. Once we were settled on the couch and Cathy had made tea for us, my mom took my hand.
“Tell us all about this jackass who isn’t good enough for my daughter.”
I began to talk about Tate when Mom interrupted me.
Her eyes wide. “Tate? As in Next-Door-Tate?”
