Page 72 of Crazy in Love at the Lonely Hearts Bookshop
‘He’s my brother,’ Nina said helplessly. ‘That doesn’t mean that he gets a free pass for what he did to you, and he and I weren’t close then, God, we barely tolerated each other, but it wasyearsago. He was the person in the accident that I told you about and he nearly died, and it made him take stock of everything, of who he was and how he’d behaved. And now he has Chloe and the niecelets.’ The tears were prickling, soon they’d be streaming down her face.
This was meant to be different. Noahwasdifferent to all her others. And last night, she’d even imagined that he was the one; that rare mix of passion and staying power. Not even imagined, but had been sure of it in a way that Nina was rarely sure about anything.
And now?
Everything, them, the us they could have been was dust and ashes and it was all her fault, but there had to be a way, something she could say, to turn this round. To make Noah see that the past was nothing to do with their future. ‘He’s not the same person he was when we were at school. He’s changed and only for the good and he knows that what he did was wrong. He wants the opportunity to say sorry, to make it up to you,’ she said, her words distorted by the sob that was rising up in her throat.
‘There is nothing he could say or do to make it up to me. Nothing,’ Noah said. He put his hand to his temples. ‘You should have told me! Instead you’ve deceived me. Lied to me. So many lies! You even brushed away the very simple fact that we were at school together.’
‘I never meant to lie,’ Nina cried. ‘How was I to know that you and I were going to become something? That I’d have feelings for you?’
She broke off so Noah could say that he had feelings for her too but he didn’t and judging from the tight cast to his face, any feelings that he did have for her weren’t good ones. Still, she was determined to soldier on.
‘I’ve felt terrible about not telling you, felt so guilty and ashamed about what Paul did to you when we were at school … it was why I agreed to go on that first non-date. Because I felt so sorry for you and I wanted, in some small way, to make it up to you.’ It wasn’t what she meant to say but Nina could hardly think. Her head seemed to be stuffed with cotton wool.
‘You felt sorry for me?’
‘Not sorry, guilty,’ Nina amended as if that made it any better.
It didn’t.
‘So, it was a pity date. Not even a date, but a non-date?’ Noah queried, but he still wasn’t shouting or swearing at her so that had to be good.
‘Well,yeah. I mean, you’re hardly my type or me yours, but that was before …’
‘Actually, now that I think about it, it’s obvious that you’rehissister. Cruelty apparently runs in the family,’ Noah said.
Nina gasped. It was a low blow, the lowest, and she deserved it – though that didn’t mean that she was going to take it either.
She opened her mouth and was all set to point out that it hadn’t just been Paul; he alone couldn’t be held responsible for the bullying – and then she realised how that sounded. She would be diminishing Noah’s pain, the fear and loathing that had characterised his adolescence, and the fact that her brother had been the chief architect of Noah’s destruction.
What was that saying?Love the sinner, hate the sin.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said and she tried to make those two words count, to mean something and everything. Noah was sitting there, his limbs arranged awkwardly, his head hanging low, as if he was broken. ‘Going on a date with you out of guilt was before I got to know you. And now …’
‘Now, I wish I’d never got to know you. In fact, I realise I didn’t know the real you until I saw your brother’s face on your phone.’ Noah gave a short, humourless chuckle. ‘You’re still the same mean-spirited girl like all the other girls at that school were. The ones who would jeer as they watched your brother beat the hell out of me.’
‘I never jeered. Not once,’ Nina protested, though the picture Noah was painting of his school days was familiar. She never jeered, but she’d definitely hurried past with her head down. ‘I’m not mean-spirited. I’m not like that at all. I was just as pleased to leave Worcester Park as you.’
‘All the evidence indicates otherwise.’ Noah’s face was ashen white. ‘I think it’s pretty mean-spirited to have been lying to me this entire time.’
‘I didn’t set out to lie to you. I didn’t lielie, I just lied by omission. If you’d asked me if Paul was my brother, then I’d have told you the truth but you never did,’ Nina said and again, it wasn’t what she meant to say and she shook her head to try and clear the fug where her brain should be, but it just made everything throb.
‘So it’s my fault for not having better deductive reasoning? Honestly, Nina, how did you think this was going to play out?’ Noah demanded.
Nina rested the tips of her fingers on her aching forehead. ‘Youwere the one who asked me out,’ she mumbled.
‘You didn’t have to say yes … OK! I get it!’ Noah nodded. ‘This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?’
‘How can you think thatthisis what I wanted?’
‘As you don’t seem to be at all familiar with the concept of honesty, allow me to give you a few home truths. The reason that you want passion and drama is because you haven’t got what it takes to make a real relationship work. A relationship is about loving someone, it’s about kindness, being selfless sometimes – all qualities that you’re lacking.’ Noah threw his words at her as if they were poisoned darts, each one aimed straight at Nina’s heart.
For someone who insisted that he was a cold fish, in this moment, Noah was more passionate than Nina had ever seen him – apart from the night before. And yes, this was the drama and passion that Nina craved, but it was destructive and corrosive and suddenly Nina didn’t want anything to do with drama and passion ever again.
Because Noah was half right. There was something lacking in her and she tried to disguise it with hair dye and tattoos and leopard print, but underneath it all, there wasn’t much substance, hardly any depth. Nina knew that she could be hard and abrasive, but surely she was never spiteful? There was a softer side to her and now Noah would never see it. See her. See a woman that he might fall in love with.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said yet again but she’d never meant the words as much as she meant them now.
