He remained quiet, hovering in the doorway as I moved around the room, keeping myself busy and pushing down conflicting feelings of pity and rage. I served us up coffee and gestured to the table, realizing that neither of us had spoken yet.
We sat at the breakfast table in the corner of the kitchen in tense silence, each holding our oversize mugs as if they would defend us from this conversation. Minutes passed as we sat studying each other before Alex dropped his eyes to the table and seemed to shrink further into himself for a minute. Taking a breath he looked up with a new sort of resolve in his eyes, blue like Mom’s.
“I’m so sorry, Wilbert,” his voice so soft and filled with regret as he used his old nickname for me. My heart cracked when I saw a tear slip from his red-rimmed eyes. I’d never seen him cry before. I thought he couldn’t cry. He hadn’t at Father’s funeral.
He wiped the tear away roughly. “I have no excuse for what we did to you. It might not seem like it now, but I truly did love Helena. I thought she loved me too, but as hard as we tried, we just didn’t work out.” He let out a dark chuckle, devoid of any real humor. “What we had started out in deception, so it had no real foundation. We did all we could, but what we shared, it wasn’t love. It was lust. We got sucked into this thing that just…snowballed into something else.”
He looked at me before dropping his eyes. He must have seen something in my expression though, because he continued.
“When I first met Helena, you’d taken her to brunch with the family and I remember thinking how gorgeous she was. You were announcing the engagement. I think you said you’d been together a little while.”
I nodded at him. “Nearly a year, but I’d put off meeting the family because of Father, mostly.”
“You two seemed to fit and it just worked, y’know?” She seemed so happy and like she wanted to be a part of the family. I don’t think you heard but Father made a few comments about her background. About coming from a single parent family, just wanting you for your money, that kinda thing. Helena heard and seemed really embarrassed about it, so I spoke up for her. I made a point to chat to her, and from then on she kinda latched onto me. I wanted to get to know her because she seemed important to you, not because she was pretty.
“Turns out Christian was dating her best friend so we met up a couple of times as a group, and sometimes Chris and Lacey would vanish. At first it was really awkward, we didn’t know what to say to each other, but I guess we became friends. You were always at work, so I guess she never told you about it.”
I thought back to that time, full of late night client meetings and dinners. Sometimes I would invite Helena, but more often than not she made excuses. Often because she had dinner or drinks plans with friends. Overworked, I hadn’t questioned anything. Like why my fiancée hardly spent time with me, even when we shared an apartment.
“It was months later and Lacey and Chris had broken up, but Helena and I were good friends by then and still saw each other often. She told me that you guys were having problems. Fighting about planning the wedding.” He stalled then, fresh tears in his eyes. His expression was tortured. “I’d fallen in love with her by then. I hadn’t told anyone, because Chris would’ve been furious with me, but I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do anything about it.”
He looked so earnest that I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, but then I remembered he’d acted on his feelings. Clearly seeing my expression harden with anger he carried on hurriedly, “There was one night, a couple of months before that last big work trip you went on. I’d been out drinking with some people from the office. We bumped into you guys. D’you remember?”
He looked at me and I nodded, recalling the night and the argument that followed. I’d always wondered why Helena had picked that fight.
“So, I’d just gotten home, a bit worse for wear. When she called me crying, I asked her to come over to my place since I wasn’t fit to drive and she was already in an Uber. I’m not going to excuse my actions for what happened after. We had sex and she stayed the night. I remember the guilt killing me in the morning when you called, and she lied saying that she stayed at Lacey’s. It felt like a punch to the gut. I’d betrayed you, and she had lied so casually about it. You guys made up and we agreed that it was a one-off. It wouldn’t happen again.”
He stopped to look at me to make sure I knew he was being truthful, “And it didn’t until after you had gone off on that trip for work. The London office, I think. You were gone for, what? Three, four months? I’m not making any excuses here. Helena called about a week or so after you left, crying and saying how she had made a mistake saying yes to you. That she should have ended it after we’d slept together. She asked me to come over. I knew it was a mistake before I even went.”
I had to stop him there, “You still went, though,” I gritted out, anger at the depth of the betrayal getting the best of me.
Alex put his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry!” he whispered.
“I just need a second,” I told him and I fled from the room.
Hiding out in the bathroom, I took my phone from my pocket and texted Christian. I thought about texting Andy, but over the last couple of weeks things had been strained between us. I’d asked for space but instead had created a gulf between us. Plus, Chris knew Alex and all that had happened.
Will: Alex is here. He’s telling me everything. He looks so broken, but I’m still so angry! What should I do?
Not expecting an immediate reply, I startled when it buzzed in my hand and I dropped the phone into the thankfully empty sink.
Christian: It all depends if you think you can forgive him. Has he told you why they broke up? He hasn’t gone into details, but I know they’ve been having problems for a while. They’ve had a trial separation for a bit, too. I think he’s always felt guilty over how they started out.
Considering this for a minute, I figured I’d better hear Alex out. I couldn’t decide on where we went from here without listening to it all. Once I’d done that I could then decide how I felt, and where we went from there.
Will: No, not all. Just up until after I went away for work to London. Gonna hear him out. Thanks for being there for me. Do you want me to send him round later?
Christian: Just see how it goes. Message me later. Tell him he can stay here with us if he needs to. Naomi won’t mind.
Putting my phone away, I returned to the kitchen. My brother was sitting and looking out of the window, clearly deep in thought. I was still furious, feeling betrayed at what they had done. There was a part of me that hurt to see the brother that I’d always admired, aspired to be like, looking so thoroughly wrecked.
I sat at the table. “Just get it all out. I’ll try not to interrupt you again,” I told him plainly.
“Will….” his voice broke on my name and I knew then that it didn’t matter what he’d done. My brother was broken and needed me to fix him. He sniffed and looked like he was working out how to continue before I stopped him.
“When did you last sleep?”
“I….I think yesterday I got a couple of hours, maybe?”