Page 32 of So Worth More
Without thinking about it, I somehow ended up outside of his apartment. A place I knew I had no business being knowing that I had nothing to offer him yet. Or even if he wanted anything to do with me at all. Maybe he’d be better off with the actor. If he could be happy with that guy, then would I accept that and move on? I’d like to think that I cared about him enough that I could.
Hell, I more than cared about him. He was my best friend and lover. The one that made me smile. Made me want to be a better person. For him, I’d do anything. I loved everything about him. I loved him, and his happiness was worth everything. I don’t know when it had happened, probably when we truly became friends and I’d let him see the real me. I’d fallen in love with Andy, and then I’d broken his heart. His pulling away was him protecting himself from his hurt.
Turning away without going to see him was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I wanted to pour my heart out to him and confess my feelings, but I knew he had to see how sorry I was first. I had to play the long game here. Eventually he would see that this guy wasn’t for him and I’d be ready. I’d have my shit together and show him I was all in. I wanted it all. Him in my bed, or me in his since his apartment actually felt like a home, all the time. Boyfriends. Holidays with family. A cat. Hell, a dog if he wanted. I could see us married someday. I wanted a future with him.
Twenty Five - Will
Alex was on the couch when I got home. He looked refreshed, but still gaunt. His dark circles were less apparent and he was now freshly shaven. I was pleased to see that he was eating, having clearly ordered some takeout while I was gone since I doubted there was much food in the fridge.
Dressed in some sweats that I’d left for him and an old stretched out t-shirt, he looked vulnerable in a way he never had before. More real. Not like the man I had placed up on a pedestal.
Breaking the silence, I asked “Did you get much sleep?” He glanced up at me, taking his attention off the news that was playing on low on the TV while he picked at his food, appetite clearly gone.
“An hour or so. You’ve been gone a while. Everything okay?”
I was tempted to play it off as nothing but honestly, where would that get us? Alex was here with his marriage apparently in tatters and he’d been opening up to me about what had happened. Something that five years later I still didn’t understand.
When I had asked why before, back when it all had happened, I was told to let it go. Like anyone could just “let it go” if the person that they thought they were going to marry just, all of a sudden, ended up married to someone else. Someone who happened to be their brother.
Father had insisted that Helena not be put under any stress for fear of anything happening to the baby. For him, it was all about the baby. His heir was having an heir and the rest of us might as well not exist.
I’d been too angry to speak to Alex, more heartbroken by his actions than hers. If he’d been just a random guy then it would have been easier to take because looking back, I wasn’t as in love with her as I should’ve been with our wedding only months away. Not that it made it right, just easier to cope with. Like I’d escaped making a big mistake. I was more hurt by his betrayal.
Though, I did wonder if I only felt that way knowing how differently I felt about Andy. What I had with him, even as dysfunctional as it was, eclipsed what I’d felt for Helena.
Getting an explanation from any source in my family was impossible. Aside from Father’s funeral, that welcome home dinner had been the last time that we were all in one place together. Even when he had the heart attack months before he died, we took turns visiting him in the hospital. I had only gone once, still furious. Then he’d died and I had never fully forgiven my family for being on the other side of the line I’d drawn in the sand that day.
“I messed up,” I admitted to him and he looked sad, like he knew that some of it was because of how he and his wife had treated me. “Yeah, me too Wilbert, me too,” and I could see tears threaten to spill down those too-thin cheeks. So I did the only thing that I could think of. I sat next to my brother and pulled him into a hug and cried with him for a while.
I don’t know how much time passed before we broke apart and tried to dry our eyes, but it’d been needed. It was cathartic to let the tears flow, to try and let go of the mistakes we had made.
“The reason Helena and I are through is more to do with how we started than anything else. It’s always been there in our marriage. The guilt. It was like it tainted everything we had and it got to me. We should never have slept together that first time and it was inexcusable that we went behind your back when you were away. I should’ve pushed Helena to call you and end it. I don’t know why she didn’t say something and I know she had plenty of chances. I think part of her loved the drama and the sneaking about. But I let her, and that’s on me too.”
I wanted to interrupt him but I knew he needed to get this all out. “A month before you were due to come home from that trip, Helena came to my apartment upset. You’d been away just over two months at the time and you’d been fighting and um….hadn’t had sex for a couple of weeks before that. So when she dropped the bomb that she was pregnant, I knew it had to be mine. We hadn’t been using condoms because she was on the pill. Stupid, I know, but it happened. I still wonder if she stopped taking it. A week later I went with her to the doctor’s appointment and she had a scan. There he was, on the screen. I loved him straight away. I didn’t know then it was a boy, and it didn’t matter to me like it did to Father. He was mine. There was no way he was yours. So even when I felt this utter joy that I was going to be a dad, I had this shard of pain in my chest because of what it was going to do to you.
“Helena didn’t want to call you with the news. She wanted to break it to you in person but Father found out that I had left the office and when he found out why, he insisted I marry Helena immediately. He called her mom and between them, they booked a wedding for the week before you returned. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t sure if we were ready to be married.
“The wedding was small, rushed and unromantic. I knew I was making a mistake right then. Whatever I had with Helena wasn’t strong enough to overcome the bad start we had. That dinner was a nightmare and I would’ve let you punch me if you’d gotten closer.
“We tried after that to work as a couple, to be good parents to Joe. Stuff always got in the way of us making a true go of it. Helena’s mom split from one of her boyfriends and stayed with us for months. Then Father was ill and died and all the excuses for us to stay together seemed to vanish one by one.”
He stopped then, seeming to run out of steam.
“You want a drink?” I asked him and he gave me a yes in reply. Getting up to head to the kitchen, I decided I wanted something stronger than water.
We talked for hours about the ups and downs of their marriage and as the hours passed, it became easier for me to deal with. The pain became distant. The trust between us might never be the same, but I could move on from this. Finally.
Alex had been forced into a corner by his own weakness. He had never stood up to Helena or my father and he’d suffered for that. Their marriage never stood a chance of surviving the pressure of tearing apart our family.
They’d been separated for a couple of months, but Alex had left their home when Helena announced that she was pregnant by her new boyfriend. Seeing that there was no way to rescue their marriage had broken him. He confessed to not being sure if he loved her, or the idea of her.
He had money and could go stay with Mom, but after my own epic fuckup with Andy, I was feeling charitable to my brother and asked if he would like to stay with me. I had the room and having someone to come home to would ease the loneliness I often felt. Mom burst into tears when I called her to assure her Alex was okay and tell her that he was staying with me.
Mom begged me to consider speaking to Charlie, but I’d reached my limit for now. I did tell her about what had happened with Max a few weeks ago at the bar. It kept popping into my mind at strange times. Charlie loved Max, and there was no way he’d just up and leave him somewhere, especially when Max was so vulnerable. I’d settle things with Alex and hopefully Andy, then get Dr. Arnold’s support and advice on what to do about Charlie.
Alex called and had a short, terse, conversation with his soon to be ex-wife. He assured her he was fine and would visit his son soon and collect his things.
I told him all about Andy. Including details that I hadn’t told Christian, like his confession to me the night we made love and my reaction. I poured my heart out to my brother and he listened quietly.
