Page 19 of For All It's Worth
Chapter Eight
Charlie
DayshadpassedsinceI’d come home and I was still avoiding people. I’d sent Max a couple of texts asking if our weekly call was on and he’d asked again to meet up instead. I’d sent another vague reply agreeing without setting something up, and felt shitty about it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, I did, but my worries about the changes between us festered and ruled my thoughts. There was a strange distance in his voice in the calls and I worried that we were going to drift apart.
My mind was twisted up and I missed the routines of rehab and the time alone. Twice weekly therapy wasn’t enough to fill my week. I was still putting off AA meetings and I was sure that Evan agreed that they wouldn’t suit me. The type of alcoholism was rooted in my mental health it seemed, and escape from my issues more than an addiction, or so my research had suggested. It made me work harder in my sessions with Evan, with me finally offering up events that had triggered a binge.
Therapy was a strange experience and I couldn’t decide if I tolerated it or loathed it. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with anyone that wasn’t Max went against the grain. Except Evan had a soothing aura of calm and a lack of judgment that slipped under my defenses and had me sharing things I wouldn’t have shared, especially before rehab.
With energy to burn since it had been days since my last workout, I texted Andy:
Charlie: What gym do you guys go to? The one you’re always talking about?
Andy was at work and the office was still crazy busy with the new team and big client they’d landed so I didn’t expect a reply to come so soon.
Andy: Henry’s gym? It’s this one…
There was a website attached and I clicked the link, opening up my phone's browser and looking at the well-designed website. Without thinking too much about it, I clicked to sign up and book an orientation with Henry for later that day.
Charlie: Thanks man, just signed up. Hope that’s okay
Andy: NP why wouldn’t it be? You and Will are putting stuff behind you. It’s all good. Might be nice to work out together
Charlie: Cool
While Andy said it would be cool, I didn’t want to assume that he was right and I fired a text off to Will checking, fully prepared to cancel my appointment with Henry.
Will quickly called me back. “Hey, look there’s no need to check with me. I thought maybe we were making progress.”
“We are. I just didn’t want to assume. It’s your space with Andy and your friends.” I paused. “It’s just Andy told me so much about it the other day at dinner and it sounds like a cool place.” They’d managed to fit in the dinner even with work still cutting into their home life. Andy had told me how much they’d hated taking things home with them but it felt great that they’d made time for me.
We’d talked around discussions of the custody battle Alex was in with Helena over Joe. Will had passed around some photos they’d had taken at their engagement party informing us that they wouldn’t be using the guy for their wedding, whenever they could set a date. Their engagement hadn’t come as a surprise to me and I felt a tiny trickle of guilt at missing the party to be in rehab. I’d arranged for flowers to be sent as soon as I’d been told by Andy. Just a small way to congratulate them, but I wished I’d been there. The feeling of being on the outside looking in at the tight group my family had forged themselves into had hit me hard then.
“It is, and you’ll probably get a lot out of it. If you can get Henry to do your induction that'd be best.” Will’s tone turned disapproving as he said Henry’s name and I recalled all the stuff Andy had told me when we’d broken away from the dinner table.
“Look, I need to get back to it, but let me know how things go, okay?” Will said.
“Sure. Thanks.”
The call ended and I smiled. He could have texted, but he’d made the effort to call, so that was great progress.
Will’s assurance shouldn’t have felt as good as it did. Like maybe it was all genuine that he’d accepted my apologies and was willing to start fresh like he’d promised me. Something warmed in my chest at Will’s encouragement, and for the first time in a long time, I felt real hope that it would work out.
We hadn’t talked much at the dinner; the only time I’d talked were the moments with Andy and briefly when I asked my brothers their opinions on properties that Mom and I had looked at. It was strange. I wanted my family’s attention, but not all at once. I wasn’t used to being the center of attention and deflected it off me as much as possible.
My property hunt wasn’t going well. I didn’t need a lot out of where I lived, but the options were pretty dismal. I just wanted some space of my own that wasn’t haunted by my past mistakes. Something central so that I didn’t have to drive a lot, or at all if possible since I’d hated driving after an accident in college. Not alcohol-related, and not my fault, but I’d been punished by Father for it. That punishment had given me Max though, so I couldn’t complain too much about it.
Instead of taking the car service Mom said I could use, I walked a couple of miles to the gym. I’d take a rideshare home if I didn’t feel up to walking back. I needed the time alone and the fresh spring air to process that first post-rehab session that I’d had with Evan.
“Could you tell me when you fell in love with Max?”
No lie, that question had rocked me. I didn’t think there was a specific moment that I fell in love with Max. I think that part of me always had been in love with him since the very second that I walked into that dorm room and the fading autumn light had lit up his blond head like he had a halo.
Inch by inch, he’d wormed his way into my heart until he owned the thing, as useless as it was.
It seemed like everyone knew it before me, too. I wasn’t completely oblivious to how other people saw my relationship with Max. There had been comments from my brothers before our family went to shit. Snide remarks from my father who didn’t think Max was good enough for me like I gave a shit about his opinion. Even Ethan had thrown it in my face when we’d broken up, though I’d brushed it off at the time. “I can’t believe I gave up Will for someone who’s in love with someone else. He’ll never want you now. Not now that he sees how toxic you are. You ruin everything!”
I’ll admit I’d thought that Ethan was hilarious for making out that he’d left Will for me when he’d been sleeping his way through the city while the man he lived with grieved for his father.
