Page 38 of Craved By You
I stood and slowly walked over to the door, mentally preparing myself for the conversation that was to come. I opened the door slowly and on the other side stood Chris and Ryder, their faces plastered with concern.
“Colt, what the hell happened?” Chris’s voice was riddled with anxiety. Ryder stood next to him, staring at me silently as he assessed the situation.
Shaking my head, the words came tumbling out. “I tried to explain.” It was vague, and not even the boys would understand what had just happened.
Ryder’s brow furrowed. “Explain what?”
The pain was growing deeper. “I wanted her to understand everything, what happened after my mom died, why I continued doing it.” Each word coming out of my mouth felt like it was a shard of glass ripping through my throat.
“Slow down, man.” Chris guided me back to the sofa. “I don’t think either of us can start to piece together what the hell you’re even saying.”
“About eating people.”
Silence took over once more. It was uncomfortable and I waited for Chris and Ryder to take off. They didn’t know what I did, or why I did it. Astrid was so quick to tell me to get out without even attempting to listen, why should I expect anything different from them? She was right: Iwasa monster.
“Well, obviously, I have some questions.” Ryder’s voice finally broke through the awkwardness.
We spent the next several hours combing through all of the details. The why. The how. All of the uncomfortable questions were asked and all of the answers that were enough to make one squirm were given. One thing that never happened though? They never ran. Instead, they stayed and offered support.
“I’m not ever going to understand any of this,” Chris admitted. “But I’m sure that everything that you went through after you found your mom was enough to change you and your mindset. That was a lot.”
“It doesn’t make anything that I’ve done since okay.” I had finally come to terms with that.
Chris ran his hand through his hair as he stumbled around the question that had yet to be asked. “How did Astrid react to all of this?”
My laugh was dry and humorless. “How do you think she took it? She looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing she had ever laid eyes on and called me a monster.” I squeezed my eyes shut, her words repeating through my head. “She was right.”
Ryder was the next to speak, his voice remaining low and steady. “Did you try to explain?”
“I tried.” My voice cracked. “I told her it was desperation and survival. That the people weren’t innocent, but she didn’t want to hear it, she just wanted me gone.”
“So she kicked you out, and that was it?” Chris asked, his voice was a mixture of sympathy and disbelief.
I nodded. “She couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me. Who can blame her, though? I don’t blame her.” I held my hand up to my mouth. “Guys, it was like I could see myself through her eyes. All the justification, the ways I had made it right in my head.”
Ryder’s gaze was fixed on mine. “You did what you thought you had to do, Colt, and then found yourself in a rabbit hole trying to play a hero. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of.”
“The thing is that I was proud of it. Until now.” I shook my head. “How did it get this far?”
“When you found your mom-” Chris paused. “I imagine you felt like your entire world crashed down, and you were no longerliving - at least mentally - in a human world. You wanted revenge for everyone who ever had anything bad happen to them.”
I couldn’t believe Chris was starting to make sense.
Chris continued, “As soon as Astrid stepped into your life, you realized that you were trapped in Hell and you did everything you could to claw your way out so that you could be the man she needed you to be. We all saw the change in you.”
“At what cost, though?” I was in despair. “I’ve made my grand re-entrance right back to that fiery pit, and lost the one person who saw me as a me and not just another masked rockstar. Any chance I had with her is gone.”
This time it was Ryder who stopped me before I went on my downward spiraling tangent. “Don’t say that, it was a lot to process. Maybe with time…”
I cut him off. “No, there’s no ‘maybe’ here, Ryder. I saw the way she looked at me. No amount of time will ever make that go away. She’ll never be able to look at me again without thinking aboutthat.”
Ryder stood up abruptly and began pacing the room with agitated movements. “So, stop trying to be the hero who’s seeking revenge for everyone else, and just focus on beingherhero.”
“I already saved her once.” As soon as I spoke I felt a smack cross the back of my head.
“Stop being a fucking idiot and open your eyes.” Chris sounded frustrated. “What you did was fucked up, but this isn’t the time to have a pity party. You need to start thinking about what you can do to change and be the man she needs you to be.”
“Will it work out?” Ryder cut in. “Maybe not. But it will give you the tools to move on with your life so you can not only focus on living your dreams with the band, but also to just live a healthier lifestyle. There’s no way that any of that is good for you.”
